Social services call out

[Somuchtoask]

So yesterday me and my boyfriend now ex fell out, he choked me out his elbow on my wind pipe so I couldn’t breath and kicked me with both feet in the stomach so hard I was slammed into the bathroom door, said he’d love to kill me. He left then and called the police saying he wanted a welfare check done on his son as soon as he left the door even though he knew the child was safe in bed. When the police landed I told them everything had happened and about another time he hit me 4 months ago where I was able to show them photos as I hadn’t made a report at the time. When I told them this he ended up being arrested (don’t actually know what he thought was gonna happen) but now I have a social worker coming out in the morning. There’s no chance of abuse or neglect being found as I’m the only one who actually looked after the child. Daddy was happy to play with him for an hour in the evening and got up with him every second morning but that was as much as he done. Now I’m panicking and overthinking what they’ll be looking for in when they come out, I know I’m a great mother but it’s just the doubt and uncertainty of what’s happening at the minute I’ve never had anything like this in my life before. Can anyone help or been through something similar as head is doing serious overtime

It’s very harmful for a child to be around a violently abusive relationship like yours had turned into. They’ll be looking for you to keep your child away from the environment.

Well done for reporting this, it’s never as straightforward as “ltb”

Also I don’t know if this is relevant or not but this only happened last night and the social worker already wanted to come out this afternoon at 4pm but I told her we were already out of the house and wouldn’t be home for a while and she sounded annoyed about having to leave it to tomorrow morning is this normal

You need to be very clear about how you will keep him away from the children/keep the children safe from him - and that includes them seeing/hearing you being abused by him.

I’m sorry - do you have a friend who can support you during the meeting? Always good to have someone to hear what is being said.

This environment is done now, there’s no returning to the relationship. I couldn’t let him back knowing I’m pressing charges for domestic violence and then having him around my child it wouldn’t be possible. Obviously he’ll have to get whatever contact the court agrees but unfortunately I won’t have a say in that

Cooperate with social services and be prepared to jump through every hoop they hold up for you.

Well done for reporting him. Absolutely do not let him wiggle his way back in - someone like that who behaves violently like that, cannot and will not change.

You've got this. X

She’s probably mainly wanting to see that you’ll be keeping yourself and your child away from your ex. Might be worried that the delay means you’ve thought twice and are back with him.

Well done for splitting with him. Hope you are ok and he leaves you alone.

I have a great support network thankfully, one of my friends Mammy’s knows the full story as it’s developed so she’s coming to the meeting tomorrow morning cause my heads a bit all over the place so I don’t want to be missing anything and it’s kinda hard to take it all in at the minute. It’s only happened last night and all I’ve dealt with today is police, solicitors and social workers there’s just a lot of information coming at me from all sides

Use the ss as a tool to keep him away. And to keep your dc safe long term. Help them build a case where he is the danger and you have complied in every way to keep your dc safe.

He’s on bail at the minute so a part of that is him not being able to contact me or come near the property. There’s no chance of him wriggling back in, he called the police on me last night to try and get me in trouble to get back at me and risked our child being took off both of us and put into social services as he didn’t know what the outcome would be when he made that call with no reason to doubt me. If I was to get back with him I’d only be putting my child at risk of him possibly losing his temper with him down the line or the fact that I’m the one who reported him so I’m not doing my job in protecting him from seeing / hearing it or possibly being on the end of it

I have instances of emotional abuse happening as far back as the start of the relationship 5 years ago obviously all ignored at the time as I was in a love bubble but then again that turns into she said he said especially with how sneaky his family can be, he’s just caused so much stress and hassle now and that’s exactly what he wants. He goes back to his mammys house free from all responsibility and now he’s left me soryijf his mess while trying to be a good Mammy and making sure our son is happy and knows nothing is going on and sorting how bills etc will be paid

The child has been exposed to domestic violence so you need to make a plan for your safety and especially the child. In a nutshell, get this man to fuck and kick him out. Get restraining order from the Court and make sure police charge him and you need to testify. Ask social services to facilitate his contact with the child in a supervised setting, ie a contact centre and make an appointment with a local family solicitor.
if you let this man back into your property, or take him back, then the social will see it as you failing to protect the child from significant risk of harm.
You might think you still love him and you’ll grieve for the family, but you already have a family even if it’s just you and the child now.
Womens Aid can help especially if you need temporary accommodation. Are you joint tenants in a council home or renting? Family solicitor can help with occupation order so he can’t come back. Or you may be a priority for a Council or social housing.
So make a choice swiftly to prioritise your child as the social can remove children at risk of witnessing domestic abuse. The decisions you make will be scrutinised. Good luck and think amid a happy and safer future without this violent piece of shit.

The social worker wants to come out ASAP because she needs to make sure your DS is safe from his father and you're not going to get back with him. I won't pretend social services always get it right, but it sounds like you're committed to keeping your son safe and that will be the most important thing for them. Listen to what they have to say, if there's things they feel you need to do, do them. Everything should be fine because you're not making excuses or planning to get back with him. Well done for speaking up to the police, it's a great step towards being free of this man and it's really hard to do.

It’s all just so scary I never pictured social services ever being involved like this in my life ever! There’s zero chance he’ll be allowed back in my life, if he came back I would lose all family and friends support I have and I couldn’t risk that. I have a call back into women’s aid and a residency order on the way to him but I know his family are going to fight tooth and nail for that child to be in their house, my solicitor has down that I’m happy for supervised contact in a centre to begin with so I’ve got a good bit sorted today. His family have caused concerns since the beginning nothing major but a lot of small incidents and controlling behaviour and ignoring my wishes as his mother (he’s only 16 months old) so his family haven’t been allowed to babysit him since last November which is a major thing in this whole bust up as his mothers been in his ear since the baby was a week old looking for her alone time with him so I know they won’t be happy with a contact centre and it’s just gonna end up real messy and loads of back and forwards between the solicitors. The house and the car are both solely in my name which is a huge benefit right now with all this going on

I called social on my child’s dad 2 months before my baby was born myself and her dad jumped through every hoop and were clear of them 6 months into her life. He is still a tiny bit of an abusive knob but I don’t live with him and we see him
onfr or twice a month. You can do the exact same on your own and prove you can safeguard your baby. I believe in you and us on here will be behind you also.

Thank you all, the support is honestly great on here. It’s 12:15 at night and I just can’t sleep with panic he has me overthinking everything I’m doing like the night before he left we swapped my son to a toddler bed as he could climb out of the cot and loaded the floor with blankets and pillows so he had a soft landing for when he inevitably falls out of it but last night and tonight I’ve been sleeping on his old cot mattress on the floor in his room out of pure fear he could fall out and split himself while all this is going on just giving him ammunition

I would block all his family .. They don’t need to have any contact with you ..

I hope you’re ok and well done for reporting the abuse to the police. Statistically, it is known that there are likely to have been many incidents of domestic abuse before a report is made to the police. Domestic abuse isn’t just physical abuse, it’s also includes emotional abuse, coercive control, financial abuse, sexual abuse etc. It is common for the victim not to recognise the abuse or to feel to they are to blame for the abuse.

At the moment, everything is very raw and heightened but it will calm down, bail conditions will be lifted and you need to have a plan around how you are going to cope and maintain your resilience if (probably when) your ex makes contact, he will probably want to have contact with his child. At this point, or even while bail conditions are still in place it is common for the perpetrator to put pressure on the victim through intimidation or by making them feel sorry for them so that the charges are dropped. Social services and the police will have seen this many times.

Living in a home where there is domestic abuse (physical, emotional, psychological etc.) is extremely damaging for a child. It can lead to anxiety, bed wetting, increased sensitivity, low self esteem, difficulty learning, getting into trouble, physical symptoms such as tummy aches and headaches etc. Do not underestimate the impact of a child directly witnessing abuse, hearing the abuse from another room or them seeing mummy being mistreated and crying.

The social worker will be visiting to gauge what has been happening and risk assess how safe your child is both physically and emotionally. Please note, the time of separation from an abusive partner is one of the riskiest times for a victim.

The social worker be able to sign post to organisations that will be able to support you, such as a domestic abuse agency. I strongly recommend you accept all the support being offered and enrol on a domestic abuse course asap. Be honest with the social worker, accept all the support everyone is offering, look after yourself, keep moving forwards and reminding yourself that your are worth more, no one should be abused by their partner and your child should never witness or hear mummy being hurt.

I work in a school and there is actually safe guarding laws which say that you arjt allowed to argue infrojt if your child. Its classified as child abuse. I think the fact that you've allowed this to happen more than once while your child has been in the house is definitely a concern about the child's welfare and definitely far from good parenting. Even if your partner has been the main issue, you have a duty to care for your child and you've made the wrong choices several times.

Are you actually serious FFS?

and for the record, the mentions one previous incident.
But you think this is the post to dig it in?

With all due respect, bollocks to that! I'm a teacher and I've never heard of any law forbidding people to argue in front of their kids!

Also, did you genuinely read this post and think "What a crap mum, she needs telling, even if she has just kicked her abusive partner to the kerb and is doing everything to protect her child"?!

The fact he hit you 4 months before and you are still with him is the main negative going again you . The Social worker will want to know your ex will not be allowed to return under any circumstances . Use social services to make sure you have a residence order , he already proved to e a controlling person by contacting the police and trying to turn the narrative in his favour . He will do it again

Twentynone gives some fabulous advice. We done you OP on reporting your abusive Ex abs getting the Occupation Order.

Has anyone mentioned getting a non-Mol? I would as I wouldn't rely on the bail conditions alone.

Also agree with the advice on blocking all of his family.

That's not quite true but you're not far off the mark. Children are now recognised as victims of domestic abuse in their own right due to there being a wealth of evidence that exposure to DA is very harmful for children even if they don't see the actual event as the aftermath, sad mum, atmosphere etc etc is just as damaging.

Domestic abuse isn't just violence. Showing aggression is assessed in the same way.

There has been updated training and policy around DA very recently due to law changes about various aspects of DA and I expect this is what you are referring to x

For clarity - witnessing domestic abuse is very much child abuse!

How are you today @Somuchtoask?