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Parenting

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Original poster

Should DDs BF live with us

19 replies

Supportyourlocal · 16/10/2023 23:03

My DD (18) is currently pregnant with her first child and plans to study psychology with criminology at a local uni next September after baby has arrived (baby is due in may). Her BF has just started a degree apprenticeship in environmental science at a large company based local to us.

They want to save up and buy a house together however at this moment in time they need to be together and I am a bit unsure about someone else living with me due to me and DH having 5 other DC and both working. And also Grandchild until they move out

I also would rather them buy than rent and I want them to have a nice property in a nice area as there are some rough areas near us.

Overall, I want them to be together but I don’t want an extra person in my house 24/7 even though they are quite independent for their age. I also don’t want him and the Arrival of Grandchild to affect younger DC.

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kingkongs · 16/10/2023 23:11

No. I'd just allow him to come over and help out with the baby - and her take the baby to his family sometimes to give you a break.

kingkongs · 16/10/2023 23:12

And re your daughter - wouldn't she be better off taking a gap year before uni?

Original poster

Supportyourlocal · 16/10/2023 23:22

@kingkongs she is currently on gap year and plans to start sep 2024 after baby has arrived (due in may)

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TootiiFrootii · 16/10/2023 23:25

Do you have the space for them all? Who would be looking after the child? That would influence my decision.

Mumof1andacat · 16/10/2023 23:25

How will she study with a newborn? Does the uni have an onsite nursery?

sprigatito · 16/10/2023 23:29

I personally would let him stay, because a) they're about to become new parents together, if the relationship is to have any chance of surviving and being healthy they need to be together, b) he's as responsible for the pregnancy as she is, and I wouldn't want a situation that established him as secondary parent and her as the one doing all the shitwork, and c) I would worry about her moving out too soon, to somewhere unsuitable just because they want to be together as a family.

Original poster

Supportyourlocal · 16/10/2023 23:31

@Mumof1andacat BFs work has recently undergone a major investment and now has an on-site nursery which they will probably use so they don’t have to pay privately which is a ripoff these days

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Quitelikeit · 16/10/2023 23:33

Can you help them financially?

If not where’s the harm in having in your house while they save up?

Not sure they can save much though?

thats kids for you - as you’ve got a houseful already would you really notice the extra body?

pinkdelight · 16/10/2023 23:44

Unless you or they (or bf's parents) are loaded, it seems pretty unrealistic for them to buy a nice house in a nice area for a good while yet. Most young people can't get on the ladder till their careers are up and running, and your dd is 18, yet to start her degree, and having a baby. Feels like trying to leapfrog lots of steps and get to where most people are at twice her age. So realistically they'll have to either rent to live together or live separately and him visit her and DC at yours, or potentially get on HA/council lists. Not sure how that works with student status. And agree it sounds ambitious to start degree so soon - even with childcare planned, most mums are still in maternity leave mode at that point and want to focus on the baby. Must be pretty stressful for you and I wouldn't add to that by having him move in unless you're really up for it, which doesn't sound to be the case. They need to sort themselves out really, having made these choices. The nice house will have to wait, same as for most people.

SheilaFentiman · 16/10/2023 23:49

Is there more space at the bf’s parents? Gould they live there?

ChimneyPot · 16/10/2023 23:52

why did your DD take a gap year this year? She could have had first year done before she had her baby.

What is their plan? Does the apprenticeship salary cover the nursery and other costs? Will your daughter be getting benefits or living on a student loan? Have they planned how they re going to afford the nice house in the nice area?
They are adults having a baby. You can support them but they need to make plans themselves.

Ponderingwindow · 16/10/2023 23:59

Does he have the ability to go live with his parents on zero notice if you or she decide to kick him out?

i would only consider it for once the baby is about to arrive and only because of the baby. If he wouldn’t have anywhere else to go if things aren’t working out then I would still say no. Your dd is already dealing with a baby at 18. If he turns out to be a great father and boyfriend that is wonderful, but if he doesn’t, he needs to go immediately. Her life is going to be hard enough and your home is her safety net.

ShellySarah · 17/10/2023 00:04

I wouldn't. You have your own youngest children to think of who have no choice in where they live.

Your eldest is an adult, so is her bf. And theyve chosen to start a family whilst being unable to afford to house themselves. They're both choosing not to work and pay for what their new family needs either, instead choosing to study on no income for years.

Sorry but they've made these choices they need to make arrangements to support their own family and hisue themselves.

You have younger children whose lives will be turned upside down by a new baby and extra adult in the house. There's no way they won't be.

Original poster

Supportyourlocal · 17/10/2023 00:06

BF is an only child and his parents are fully supportive but would be upset if he left so she is probs going to move in with them to take the pressure off me and DH and allow them to save up

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Sprogonthetyne · 17/10/2023 03:57

If his parents have the space and are supportive, that sounds like the best option. Better they be together and both learn to parent, then your DD becoming the default parent, and him visiting for the fun bits.

Realistically, unless his parents are exceedingly supportive, they will need to think about renting at some point. The child will be (at least) in primary school by the time they finish their degrees and get their careers established enough for a mortgage, and what are they going to be 'saving' from if they are living off student loans and have a child to suport.

CurlewKate · 17/10/2023 04:51

What are they saving up from?
Who is going to look after the baby?

ShellySarah · 17/10/2023 15:34

Most adults plan to start a family when they can afford to. These two have done so on the basis that they can live rent free and not have to work for what 3-4 years or more. Who is going to pay for their food and things for the child in the first few years they aren't going to work?

It's a bit galling of them to make these choices knowing someone else has to foot the bill.

TheMixedGirl · 17/10/2023 15:37

Supportyourlocal · 16/10/2023 23:31

@Mumof1andacat BFs work has recently undergone a major investment and now has an on-site nursery which they will probably use so they don’t have to pay privately which is a ripoff these days

Then I would definitely let him move in. Aside from that, being apart may put unnecessary stress on the relationship.

If he is out at work all day he will hardly be under your feet.

ShellySarah · 17/10/2023 16:38

TheMixedGirl · 17/10/2023 15:37

Then I would definitely let him move in. Aside from that, being apart may put unnecessary stress on the relationship.

If he is out at work all day he will hardly be under your feet.

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Their relationship is their issue.

The OPs home will have 4 adults (OP, her DH, adult DD and her bf) and the OPs 5 other children and a new baby.

What about the OPs children and their enjoyment of their home and their exams, etc?

They want to be adults and have a family but be dependant financially and be students too. BF is an only child so his parents sounds ideal.

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