Anyone other mums really struggling with 11yr old daughter literally hating you :(

[Michelly80]

We have been up and down for some time and having a younger brother is a real issue for my daughter jealousy wise, but my god she's impossible at the moment with me mainly, no one else. She literally hates me, screams at me, pushes and pushes until i snap no matter how hard i try. I love her to bits but ive never come across anyone so moody and angry in my life. She brings out the worst in me then uses it against me. I feel bullied to a degree. She's fine at school btw, model pupil. Just me. Would really appreciate advice from anyone in the same boat or who has come through the other side.

You can't snap. You're the adult. If you say or do anything nasty, it will poison your relationship with her for a long time to come. Every parent snaps at some point, but what you're describing sounds routine and it sounds like you think you're crossing a line.

You're not being bullied. This is your child. You raised her. You are responsible for her behaviour and her attitudes towards you.

It may sound like I'm being hard on you and I am. But I'm also trying to help. I was in your kid's position. I left home at a young age and never went back. The situation has caused problems in adulthood. I hope you don't want that for yourself or your daughter.

You need to stay calm no matter what in future. You need good advice. If you can't afford to see a family therapist, maybe go to your GP and/or daughter's school and ask there if there's any help or if they can refer you anywhere.

Most of all, you need to sit down and really think about what is going on. Something has happened to create this situation. If your daughter is not struggling with some kind of health issue, then what else is going on? You said she is jealous of her sibling. Have you encouraged that? Has she had to deal with the chaos of divorce or the stress of a family member's illness? Are you dealing with poverty, which can obviously be very worrying for kids? Is there yelling in the house and parents losing their temper? Has anyone abused her?

What I'm saying here is that you need to start looking for solutions instead of focusing on being angry with a child and saying you're her victim. You're not. You're the parent and you need to address this. If you can accept that, I think you'll feel calmer. Good luck.

This is a standard enough phenomenon to be a meme

My 13 year old made me cry on holiday. A friend’s 14 year old made her Dad who is an armed police officer cry. They’re awful.

all you can do is set boundaries about what’s acceptable and enforce that, but always be loving and forgiving.

I have a teen daughter.
It helped me to remember I'm the adult, she's the child. Hormones are at play especially.
I tried to stay patient and calm. I put firm boundaries in place but also made sure she felt safe, loved and listened to. Being a parent is hard work but I try not to coast and I put a lot of effort in. I'm by no means perfect.
There's usually a reason why they feel angry, be it bullying at school, struggling with school work or adjusting to hormone changes. All you can do is be there for her.

Space and understanding, I was the kid in this scenario and my mum would snap and scream and shout and cry and be victimise herself and accuse me of bullying her but honestly I was a hormonal wreck just starting high school and periods. I have since been diagnosed with pmdd so yeah she probably did get the brunt of some awful behaviour but she never tried to understand or get to the root cause. She would tell me I was a horrible mean child. Our relationship has never recovered. Tread carefully OP

Also is the younger brother taking up a lot of your time could you schedule some one on one time. Go for a coffee or something. Don’t make it anything crazy expensive like a shopping trip because I think that sends the wrong message but a girls night in when little brothers gone to bed or something?

Have you told her she's a bully? Sometimes you simply have to be blunt.

But you were a horrible, mean child!

Are you with her Dad? If so how do they get on? Do you both set the rules or is it just you?
What are the main areas of conflict? Are you really consistent?
What does your 'snapping' consist of? Do you shout? Make crazy punishments? Say mean things?

I don't think you can 'snap' with kids.

Yeah my daughter was fucking VILE at this age she was also on medication for asthma (tablets I can't remember their name) apparently the side effects include shitty mood swings 😑 when she came off them she improved a bit

Bothe mine went through this phase. I firmly believe the teen years are there to prepare you for them leaving home (as in you will feel ready to kick them out)
Eldest start around 11 younger one was 15 . Honestly could have slapped them at times.

Firstly lower your expectations, expect basic politeness, hygiene, homework, a ok diet and a basic level of tidiness . Don't tell her off constantly. Do not expect her to want to do what you want to do or to pretend to be happy when she's not. Do keep asking her to do stuff with you but don't be offended if she says no. Be there when she wants to talk. Try asking questions during meals or in the car when it's a less tense situation. Be patient and try not to argue, look for solutions rather than trying to win. Your frustration comes from feeling out of control try to work on that and accept that you can not manage her.

My 10 year old is a bit like this. Although she tends to swing between snarling and hating to sweet and loving. I’m blaming hormones. I love her to bits but it’s hard to be around her sometimes.
I found Lorraine Candy’s book ‘Mum what’s wrong with you?” very good.

Maybe difuse the situation. When she's having a rant and says she hates you... say OK well I still love you ... then move on as normal.

Hard though it is don't rise to it.

Does it help to remember that they only act that way because they feel completely secure with you and know that you love them unconditionally?

DS13 just flicked a switch one day - started refusing cuddles, grunting, not saying please or thank you, calling me 'bruh' instead of mummy etc etc. Sometimes he forgets and you get a glimpse of the sweet boy he has always been. Baffling while it's happening, but deep down I think it's lovely how very normal he is!

Gosh this sounds tough. I'm nowhere near the teen stage but I've read a lot of parenting books after having some big emotions and aggressive behaviours from my younger children which led to some outbursts from me I was less than proud of. Parenting often feels like being in an abusive relationship, esp that if you snap then you're automatically the bad guy and the others have the absolute moral high ground. It's mentally very draining and I'm sending you a lot of strength. The fact you're here searching for solutions really speaks volumes about how much you value your child and your relationship.

A lot of the recurring advice from the countless books and blogs I've read seems to be to try and resolve issues in a period of calm. I.e. pick a neutral setting and time to try and sit down together to make amends and also talk about how it could go better next time. I don't think it's acceptable to snap at kids (hence this journey of self discovery myself as I have an awful temper and determined to break the generational cycle of releasing that temper on my children), but I do think it's acceptable for children to see that people have limits, and for them to understand you are willing to hold a boundary. I reacted well as a teen when I was spoken to like an adult, and coming at something like it's a problem you can solve together might build some bridges?

My fave books are:

• how to talk so kids will listen (they have one for teens too)
• the book you wish your parents had read
• calmer, happier, easier parenting

Thanks all...reassuring its not just us but just feel like we go round in awful circles. In answer to some questions, i am with her dad, yes we both shout sometimes (which is what i meant by snapping) we are human and im aware she hates that...however basic politeness, respect etc is pretty much all we ask for and i dont get it. Dad does mostly because she doesnt have an issue with him. Little bro is 4 so yes i treat him differently sometimes because i have to....she mentions this a lot and ignores him mostly but im as fair as i can be and spend time with her equally but she chooses to be in her room and hates being asked to join us. We have no real family issues, we both work and are busy but have a good lifestyle. DD gets on well at school, often says she has no friends but the reality tells me different (playdates, video calls, after school clubs aplenty plus no teacher concerns). We've tried mental health/parenting support for us both a few years ago but she doesnt have a mental health issue.

As an example today she was home with me and asked if we could go clothes shopping at lunch. I agreed and offered her a bit of extra money to be nice. We had a fine morning at home, then got ready to leave. Just as we're ready to go out the door she picked an argument over some diy that im waiting to have done. Basically shouting im rubbish at contacting the workman, not trying hard enough etc so i warned her if she continued shouting at me we wouldnt go. She continued, and said she didnt want to go 'stupid shopping' anyway...so i took my shoes off and stood my ground. What followed was hours of her crying, everytime i tried to talk to her she argued that its all my doing i shouted etc which i hadnt. We've had a whole day of it, finally sorted about 8pm when i allowed her on her ipad for an hour..but of course an hour isnt good enough and shes now moody that she doesnt want to go to bed!

Just feel like i cant do right for doing wrong. Im not trying to play the victim at all i genuinely just dont know what to do or how to act as we just get into a to and fro all the time. My sister and i would never have dared behave like this as kids. I am really worried about our relationship but really struggle to find a balance when she pushes so much :(

Try to change the dynamics a little. Just give her to dad much more. Obviously he has to be on side. My DH used to spot trouble, and take her out for an ice cream/ walk/ supermarket trip ….. anything to separate us and cool her mood!

My DD (now 28) was exactly like this from age 9 to 14. I did lots of slow deep breathing, silently counting to 10, 2-3 minute time outs (me-for space, not her, lol), repeatedly reminding myself that teenage hormones and brains rule the child, not the other way around and that she would come through it in time. Like you, her dad and I were and are still together. We have an older DS and from them being best friends, she frequently 'hated' all of us, including her brother.

It was a rocky and difficult time but we got through it with patience and with carefully picking our battles, prioritizing hers and our safety clear and firm boundaries where needed and calmly tolerating a lot of her other frustrating behaviour. By the time she was 17 things were good and she was lovely again and she and I have been really close since she was around 20.

I've worked with kids, many with severe emotional and behavioral issues, for most of my life, but dealing with my DD took every last scrap of patience and drove me to tears of sadness, anger and frustration many many times, so I feel your pain!

Unfortunately, some children just seem to be more deeply or strongly affected by their teenage hormones. No matter how hard their behavior is for us, being at the mercy of their hormones and emotions is much, much harder for them, because they're children and just don't have the tools to rationalize and manage what's happening inside them. She loves you and knows you love her but being a teenager can be really hard!

Edited to add, try not to argue with her. Just calmly state your position and ignore the teenage rants. If needed, calmly reiterate your position and reassure her that you care about her, as necessary. They calm down faster if you don't fuel the fire by arguing with them.

Thank you @Skybyrd your post was reassuring. Trying to be calmer is they key.... i really hope i dont have 3 more years of this though! 😫

From the shopping scenario, I think you couldn't have reacted any differently. You can't take her out when she is like that as she would have likely continued the behaviour and it would have been rewarding the rudeness. Natural consequences of being rude to the person about to buy you stuff is that they will be disinclined to buy you stuff. Important lesson.

It probably will continue for some time. Possibly years. Keep your head up, read the books and endure it is the only real solution.

Going against the grain I would have taken her shopping. She was excited about it and it would have been a chance to have some positive time together. You promising it then calling it off at the last minute because she was complaining about DIY will be cruel in her eyes.

I wouldn’t have taken my dd shopping if she said I was useless, shouted at me and then said she didn’t want to go stupid shopping. I absolutely think you did the right thing op. It sounds very hard. I am just coming to this I think with a ds11 and dd8 so have it all to come. I hope it’s a short phase for you!

Yes, you can't possibly take a child for a treat who is putting you down shouting and say the treat is stupid anyway. You'd be a complete mug if you had taken her.

I echo the poster above who said staying calm is key. Personally, if my kid criticised me for not calling in a tradesman to do a job I'd have had to have laughed. What a funny perceived shortcoming 😀

But, I would also say it's not your business, and don't be cheeky. After that I would give a warning (as you did) then refuse to take her, just as you did.

You are probably doubting yourself more than you should because her behaviour isn't improving yet. But if you consistently stay calm (showing her you are confident and sure of yourself as the adult) it will take at least a year to really have any effect and change the dynamic between you.