Struggling with tantrums

[Oliversmummy19]

I'm at my wits end and I'm at a complete loss with what to do.
I am currently 9 months pregnant and have a 2.5yr old. My toddler is having massive feelings lately and I'm really struggling with it. He can scream for hours and there is no rationalising or calming him down unless you give in to what he wants. I know that giving it just makes it worse because he'll learn that of he just keeps screaming he'll get his own way but I cant leave him like that.
Today he had a tantrum about putting his shoes on to go to nursery. We got passed that, got his shoes on and got to nursery, albeit late. Picked him up at lunchtime for his swimming lesson. Didn't want to get out of the car when we got home from nursery. Screamed for 15 minutes pulling at me and trying to force my shoes on my feet. Gave in and sat in the car with snacks for 20 minutes before then having a battle to get him into his car seat to go swimming. He was fine at swimming then we come home and he wants to stay in the car. Same cycle, we say no and try and distract him, try to rationalise and understand his feelings but there is no negotiation with this child and I end up sat in the car on the drive again for half hour in silence. We bring him in, kicking and screaming, and he's now in his cot crying and has been for over half hour because my husband took his shoes off and he needed a safe space to have his tantrum. He doesn't wany either of us near him and just screams harder or pushes us away.

I'm exhausted and drained. I know this is all very normal for a toddler who is about to be a sibling and I am trying my best but these tantrums are breaking me. I'm also feeling incredibly guilty because I feel like I've caused this by bringing so much change and I don't feel like I'm parenting him properly.

We have at least 3 of these major meltdowns a day and I just dont know what to do any more as nothing I am trying is working. I dont know how I'm going to cope with this and a newborn.

I know its a phase and I know it won't be like this forever but I'm really struggling and I don't know how to deal with the here and now!

It is extremely hard and I’m also in the thick of it with my 3yo.

what stands out to me is two things. Firstly, you mentioned it yourself: giving into his tantrums will make it worse. You have to play the long game! Secondly, you mention the word ‘rationalise’ several times. A toddler’s prefrontal cortex is very underdeveloped so it is not possible for them to process any rational discussion with you when they are in this heightened state. You can discuss what happened later on in a calm moment if you wish e.g ‘you were so cross earlier and that made you want to throw your toy car…etc’

in the example you gave I would calmly say something like ‘you’re having a hard time leaving the car right now. It’s time to go into the house. I’m going to help you get out of the car now’ and pick up your flailing and screaming toddler and put him in the house. Allow him to cry and be upset. If it means that you miss swimming then that’s what happens. You could discuss it later on when he’s calm: ‘you were so upset earlier when it was time to leave the car. I had to pick you up and take you inside. You didn’t like that and you cried lots. Next time, we’ll get straight out of the car and go into the house.’

It will take a lot of patience and hard work as he’s used to you giving in but it’ll pay off in the long run.

You do have my sympathies through because it is extremely hard, especially when you’re pregnant!! Remember that your toddler’s tantrums are not a reflection on you as a parent.