6 year old keeps asking for a dad

[FiddleSticksGohHog]

I split with my DC's father when they were 2.6 years old and 8 months old due to DV. It wasnt a one off incident and occurred many many times over the space of 7 years. He was found guilty in court and court ordered no contact or communication with me or any child of the family. I moved 50 miles away from the town I grew up in and started a whole new life for us on my own.

Theyve both asked about him every now and then over the years, I didnt know what to tell them at first and school told me to tell them in a child friendly manner that he wasnt allowed to see us and wasnt nice to me. So that's what I did and their both fully aware ( now nearly 9 and 7 ) that hes not a nice man and the police told him he cant live with us or see us because he hurts people

DS was in the bath last night and said to me "In a few years when I have a dad do you think he will build me a treehouse?"

I said very gently to him, you wont have a dad in a few years, I'm not getting a boyfriend or anything like that and your actual dad isnt allowed near any of us. Plus we dont have a tree in the garden to build a tree house on

He started to get upset and said he wanted a dad because all his friends have dads.

I'm so upset for him. It's just us 3 here, me, dd and ds, weve lived up here for almost 6 years now and have made some amazing friends, it was lonely at first but we have a nice life up here now

I just feel so guilty on him. Not so much DD funnily enough because she doesnt appear to be bothered about having a dad. But it hurts me to see DS hurting like that when he speaks about a dad.

I havnt said this to him but the few dads he has met are not nice men or partners. Obviously he wont see that because hes just a little boy and just sees someone being nice to him and his mate

But the three mums I know are miserable, either down to forced sex, financial abuse or not helping with the family ect.

He thinks having a dad is an amazing thing, yet most of my experience with men and seeing my friends is that actually a lot of men do more damage than good. But I cant say this to an almost 7 year old

I was 18 when i met their dad, i was just a baby myself, i knew nothing about life or relationships.

I feel guilty that he doesnt have the dad he wants and deserves but I cannot do anything about it for him.

Does anyone have any advice on what I can say to him when he inevitably brings it up again?

Moving away was the safest option for us all, again he doesnt know this, but part of the reason his dad isnt allowed to see them is because the last attack was because I couldnt stop DS ( a babe in arms at the time ) from crying and after attacking me that night his dad had messaged me and said the next time I couldnt shut the baby up he would punch him in the head. This was all shown in court ect

Hes built having a dad up in his head to be somthing amazing. And I bet for some children it must be. But the majority of families i have known in my life, there isnt many amazing dads at all.

I'm just so sad for him and I feel so guilty

For you not him I’d work on learning about relationships. Look into the freedom programme and shark cage (Australian DV course)
You've done a wonderful thing in prioritising your family’s safety. But you also deserve happiness- if you do those courses you’ll be equipped to find a partner if that’s what you need. At the moment you’ve quite correctly recognised you’re not equipped to judge potential partners so you’re doing the safe thing.

Is there a male friend /uncle that could do some dad stuff with him

It is hard on children when they don't have the same as 'normal 2 parents' as friends

But R.E.M. you have done the right thing. You kept your children safe

You could say you don't have a daddy who is nice but you have me mummy who loves you twice as much

Same situation for my kids, people often say kids aren’t bothered about not having a dad around but that’s not been my experience at all and my kids have been desperate for a father. I’ve had the questions about getting a new dad etc and I won’t be dating again (not because of my ex but I simply don’t get the time to date and I am never without them) I explained to them they won’t be getting another dad. It’s been hard and they’ve found it hard to accept especially as they are often asked in school where their father is.

Could you get some story books about different kinds of families, so that he can see more examples of happy families with single parents and feel like it's more normal? I'm afraid I don't have any specific examples as my child is younger and has two mums, but I think there must be loads out there.

Sorry OP, that must be difficult to try to deal with. People will tell you that all your son needs is his mum who loves him, but unfortunately children (especially boys) need positive male role models in their lives.

If literally all your friend's husbands/ all your son's friends' dads are terrible people (which seems unlikely but then I've not met them), then you need to make more male friends and spend time with them as a family. Primary schools have hardly any male teachers anymore, so you might have to try going to some sort of club are society to meet new people. Church goers or gay men are more likely to show a healthy interest in friendship without the worry of them wanting a relationship with you. Your son could go to scouts/ boys brigade or join a sports team. There's going to be something you can do to plug the gap in your son's life.

You have done the exact right thing by protecting them from their abusive father. I wish my Mum had!

I'm sorry the men you know are also bad fathers. They aren't all like that though my husband isn't and I know other good dads (a few bad ones too though!).

I second what has been said above about finding male role models to spend time with him. Are there men in your family who could do that? Or Cubs or a youth group or a male dominated sport like football?

Such a difficult situation. Well done for getting away from an abusive partner.

Why not get him to write a list of things he'd like a dad to do and then either try to do them yourself or ask a male family member or friend to do them.

I heard there's a guy who does YouTube videos aimed at boys who have grown up without a dad. He shows them how to do certain things like shaving. Things a dad usually teaches his son. Obviously he'll be a bit young for some of the videos but maybe worth a look to see if there's any age appropriate ones like using tools. You could watch together and perhaps work on building a playhouse (since you've no tree for a treehouse). Or any other things he tells you he'd like a dad for.

Just checked. It's called "dad, how do I?".