hi all. I don’t know how to move forward at this point. I am holding a lot of anger and bitterness towards my parents for a list that is as long as my arm, and I would appreciate any advice on how I can move on.
To give this more context, Me and my siblings grew up walking on eggs-shells around our dad who bullied us all on a daily basis - and included my mum. He would and still does to this day manipulate my mum to alienate her from family, and he did so to us growing up too. Because of this my extended family are all very close whilst me and my siblings are the “outsiders” purely for the fact we have grown up not really spending time around them.
If there wasn’t an event that wasn’t about my dad then he wasn’t interested. Easter, Christmas, birthdays, achievements - he would shut himself away in his room and not come out, and would expect to be treated like a king if the day was centred around him. When at times he was wrong about something my mum would make us apologise to him anyway just to “keep the peace” or say that he “can’t help how he is”. To give more context, he grew more addicted to weed and would have massive mood swings if he went a few hours without a smoke.
I never had any sort of help from my parents and never asked for it because I know the answer would have been no. We were made to feel guilty for everything in life, and for that we needed to treat our parents to luxuries to thank them. I once gave £400 out of my student overdraft because if I didn’t then my parents would lose their house. Again, the guilt trip was used for me to draw this money out, and I never got that money back. There have been other instances where my things were taken and sold, money stolen from me and never returned. And even when I was at university and had little money due to pay rent etc, over the Christmas period my parents said if I didn’t pay them £300 board for the two weeks I would be back home then I couldn’t come. I didn’t have the money so I spent this half term at my university town and my partners who I had just starting seeing at the time.
Fast forward to now, I went to uni, got a great job, lovely partner, 2 year old child and a nice house. My DC had a difficult start in life that required a 2 week stay in PICU and instead of helping out in any way or being a helpful listener, my parents used my DC as an excuse to get a lot of time off work but never actually came to see DC. Every time my parents saw my DC was when I would go to them, they are a 20 minute drive away, and can drive. They chose not to make that same effort back when I asked countless times, so last Easter I decided enough was enough and told them they need to step up and make the effort with DC. I also confronted them about everything I’ve listed for answers, and they have Since cut me off completely and have not seen my DC in months. They are telling family who will listen that I am the problem even though there are messages and evidence that say otherwise. I’ve not felt the need to justify this to family because to be honest I am mentally exhausted and I don’t want anything else on my list.
What I’m trying to say with all of this is that my DC still and will always have health problems and I really don’t understand why my parents don’t make the effort, as well as getting to the bottom as to why they are so selfish. DC is a miracle who has been through so much and they are missing out. Some days I feel like sending a message but then I stop myself. Why are my parents so selfish? Why does my mum cut everyone off to suit my dad? Why will they not see their grandchild? I see friends with their mums who have been a part of the pregnancy and everything after, whereas I feel lost and alone.