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Original poster

Can't express why I'm so angry

28 replies

EmmaAsking · 14/10/2023 21:18

We've got an allotment next to a fairly busy road. There's no direct access to the road, it's about a 200m walk down two paths.
My partner was meant to be looking after our 2 year old while I went home to get a coat. When I came back about 15 minutes later our toddler was at the side of the road, on his own. He'd left the allotment, and apparently my partner thought he'd stay nearby so didn't follow him. My partner didn't know I was with him. He didn't show up at the road side for maybe three minutes, didn't seem upset, didn't apologise. He said later that he'd been really worried and just hadn't shown it. I'm feeling furious and disconnected and just generally full of dread and he doesn't seem to get why. I kinda think it's obvious but that's not getting us anywhere. Am I overreacting? Any advice?

OP posts:
blanketsmell · 14/10/2023 21:21

Your partner must NEVER be left to supervise your child alone again. Your child could be seriously injured.

porridgecake · 14/10/2023 21:26

You are not overreacting. Your partner has shown himself to be irresponsible and incompetent.
There is a poster on MN whose husband didn't bother to put reins on one of their twins (even though he knew it was necessary to safely manage both toddlers near a busy road) and the child was killed. Their marriage didn't survive (not surprisingly). Her name was MrsPresley I think.

WhichOfThePickwickTripletsDidIt · 14/10/2023 21:29

Oh my god @porridgecake - how awful

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Zippedydoodahday · 14/10/2023 21:30

Presumably it is the fact he knew he couldn't see him and didn't bother to act on it. It would be completely different if he had gone looking the second he realised he couldn't see the child. I'm not sure I could trust him alone again with my child.

MyBedIsMySpiritualHome · 14/10/2023 21:31

I am with you. That is very very bad.

Mummy08m · 14/10/2023 21:33

So your 2yo walked the whole 200m to the road and your dh didn't think to look for him?

That's horrific. I'd never trust him alone with him again.

Was your dh drunk or high or anything like that? I can't believe any adult of sound mind being that irresponsible. What was he even doing when your ds wandered off...?

You are definitely not overreacting. You are even possibly underreacting

Mummy08m · 14/10/2023 21:35

Doesn't he remember the story of toddler Emile? The one who wandered out of the grandparents' garden gate, in France in July. I don't think he was ever found

porridgecake · 14/10/2023 21:39

Sorry, I copied the wrong thread, it was a long time ago. However, the story I described is what happened. A moment's carelessness and a child was killed.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 14/10/2023 21:42

No you are absolutely NOT overreacting. Him "not showing it" looks exactly the same as him not giving a fuck from the outside which is going to piss off any caring mother whose child was endangered.

fedupandstuck · 14/10/2023 21:43

I'm not surprised you're angry! What an incredibly poor decision by your DP. It sounds like he doesn't really understand the seriousness of the mistake he made. A 2 year old unaccompanied by a road? Well, there are so many dangers that anyone sensible could imagine.

Does he have any better explanation other than he thought she wouldn't go far?! I think I'd want him to consider some kind of parenting course before I'd even think about trusting him with her again.

Whatisityoucantface · 14/10/2023 21:45

I can’t imagine the shock you felt seeing your child alone at the side of a road. By the time your husband arrived, he saw your child with you and must have felt relief (and maybe assumed the child had been with you and not ever alone by the road) so perhaps appeared calmer than you’d expect. That said, I find it utterly flabbergasting that he was not watching his child. And that he didn’t express his worry and masked it. He maybe defensive right now because he knows he massively messed up. He needs to admit this to you though. If he accepts this was a huge mistake then it is unlikely he’ll ever let this happen again. If he doesn’t accept responsibility, and show you he is serious that it won’t happen again, then that is a problem and I would be concerned that his attitude about his child’s safety was too blasé

Mummy08m · 14/10/2023 21:48

The kid walked 200m down two paths. It's worse than just popping out onto the pavement. That is a long long way to wander and would have taken him a while (2yo don't walk in straight purposeful lines, they meander about, stop to look at things). He'd left your 2yo unattended for ages by the sound of it.

It's so, so not ok. It's not just the risk of being hit by a car, he could have been picked up by a stranger in that long interval.

funkyspunkymonkey · 14/10/2023 21:50

What the fucking fuck was he doing that he didn’t: a. Supervise his child, b.see him wander off, c.rush around, screaming his name out to find him.

I honestly don’t think I could forgive him or ever trust him again. I perhaps could accept an accident, but this was no accident. I told my husband very early on that if he EVER did anything to hurt or harm my child, he would be gone.

Original poster
EmmaAsking · 14/10/2023 21:50

He wasn't drunk or high, he wasn't even doing anything important or difficult. He just assumes our kid will be ok, and takes risks I wouldn't take. This is the worst one I know about, but there have been a bunch of times when my danger radar is going ballistic and he seems to be totally fine.

It's reassuring to hear your reactions - actually they're making me cry from feeling like you all get it. Thank you

OP posts:
Donutofdoooooom · 14/10/2023 21:55

That's not on. Even without making it to the road, I assume there would have been loads of other dangerous things your toddler could have gotten up to on an allotment! Even in a child proofed house you can't leave a toddler for long. I'm a fairly relaxed parent, but this is just plain stupid and careless.

Mummy08m · 14/10/2023 21:58

He just assumes our kid will be ok, and takes risks I wouldn't take.

I get that it's all relative but this is off the charts tbh.

I mean, I gave dd whole grapes at 2yo. At 3yo I let her play on her scooter in the garden without a helmet sometimes. That's standard risk taking.

Whereas your dh's risk-taking is more on the tragedy-in-the-newspaper scale.

MidnightOnceMore · 14/10/2023 22:00

Was he badly parented himself?

fedupandstuck · 14/10/2023 22:02

MidnightOnceMore · 14/10/2023 22:00

Was he badly parented himself?

Yes, I wonder if he hasn't had a normal model of parenting himself. It would explain his unconcerned attitude. I hope he is able to recognise that his perception of risk is skewed.

Knitgoodwoman · 14/10/2023 22:02

2 years old?! If this was a mum they’d get crucified. I’ve heard social services get involved for a 3 year old near a road near their house unsupervised.
You don’t want to run the Risk of a member of the public or the police picking your child up.

Honeybee798 · 14/10/2023 22:03

You're right to be angry. I think what you’ve got to ask yourself is, how would you feel if your child was ever dangerously injured or killed as a result of your partner’s negligence? You know he doesn’t care, you know he’s not bothered about protecting your child. This isn’t on you because HE is the awful parent here, but you have the opportunity to protect your child from the risk of harm. I would be leaving and probably just not telling him where I was going so he couldn’t have unsupervised access.

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 14/10/2023 22:08

Let me guess, he’s full of one-liner clichès?! “Kids are resilient” “Kids can sense danger like animals” or the best one I’ve heard yet
”He’ll only do it once then won’t he?!” & “My parents let me do X when I was a kid (30/40 fucking years ago!)”

When my child was 5 months old, she’d only just started to sit up.
one evening, her Dad (and, understandably after this), my now ex, was giving her a bath.
A couple of mins later he comes meandering down the stairs in no rush at all and asks “Fancy a brew?” I looked at him blankly and immediately asked where the baby was.

She was in the bath.

Turns out he’d decided that as she could sit up now, that she’d be fine “playing in the bath for a bit” 😳😳😳😳 As a disabled person, in that moment I found the ability from god knows where, to run again.
He wasn’t at all concerned and of course, trotted out the “Kids are resilient” line.
Sadly there were other signs of his lack of concern for her safety (casually walking away from the changing table etc).

Fucking terrifying.

Oh god I’ve just remembered! Your situation happened with me when I was a toddler too!
my Mum said that she’d been at work one Saturday whilst my dad was looking after us at home, whilst he worked in the garage.
She said as she turned onto the estate (one street away from ours), she spotted this white blonde hair moving a warp speed down the hill on the pavement, coming towards her but crucially, also towards the very busy main road… I’d snuck out on my little white plastic car (remember them with the red seat that lifts up and the blue backrest?! If she hadn’t turned the corner at that moment…. Turns out he hadn’t noticed I was gone 😳

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/10/2023 22:09

He is not fit to care for a child.

You must never leave him in his care again. It’s that serious.

If he refuses to acknowledge what he’s done then I don’t know what to suggest other than never trusting him again.

Sorry OP.

ShellySarah · 14/10/2023 22:21

blanketsmell · 14/10/2023 21:21

Your partner must NEVER be left to supervise your child alone again. Your child could be seriously injured.

Or perhaps he's now learnt his lesson?

Mummy08m · 14/10/2023 22:33

ShellySarah · 14/10/2023 22:21

Or perhaps he's now learnt his lesson?

Show quote history

It doesn't really sound like it from the op's op.

[I'm] just generally full of dread and he doesn't seem to get why

No I'm with the others that say thr 2yo can't be left unattended with him again.

Thinking a bit more about what I'd do in your place, op, if LTB isnt your preferred option. I'd call the health visitor. They could have a serious word with dh and refer him to parenting classes.