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Original poster

She just won't sleep ...Help!!!

18 replies

Exhausted85 · 14/10/2023 21:12

My 6 year old is refusing to go to sleep at bedtimes and has started having epic meltdowns that sometimes last for upto an hour.
It's exhausting and I'm frazzled and need some advice on what to do.
Her dad and I separated seven months ago she was fine initially in terms of sleep but in the last few months it's become a nightmare. She was initially only doing it for me at the family home but now she is doing this for her dad as well
Her routine is meal at 6/6.30, warm shower at 6.45/7 , into bed for a story and left to sleep at 7.30
She has her soft toy and some water and is encouraged to try for the toilet before bed.
I've tried talking to her and get nowhere ,I've also tried soothing music,lavender spray, worry monster and box to talk about worries if there are any, she exercises lots (so she should be very tired) , massage ,silently putting her back to bed,no sweets playing out etc but nothing works. Frankly I'm exhausted and wondered if anyone had been through something similar and could give me any advice?
TIA

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NuffSaidSam · 14/10/2023 21:17

I'd try telling her that's it's ok to struggle to get to sleep, lots of people do and that the important thing is that she's doing something restful. If she can't sleep she can listen to an audio book/podcast, read or look at a book, colour or play Lego (or any other quiet bedtime activity), but she mustn't scream/shout/keep coming downstairs etc. because it isn't restful for her or you.

It sounds like you need to take the stress out of it for both of you.

Original poster
Exhausted85 · 14/10/2023 21:18

I've tried the reading the book and podcast and she is so stressed about being left that she won't listen and calm down.

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Original poster
Exhausted85 · 14/10/2023 21:20

If I leave the room she gets out of bed and follows me every time I put her back. For context I live in a smallish two bed semi ,so not some huge dark house that would be scary . It's our family home also so not a new place

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EdithGrantham · 14/10/2023 21:21

What time does she wake in the morning, is she definitely tired at 7.30?

Humbugg · 14/10/2023 21:22

I think bedtime is too early? Can you try 8/8;30?

catsnore · 14/10/2023 21:22

Have you tried gradual withdrawal? Like the first night you sit in her room on a chair with her until she falls asleep. No talking or whatever. Then you gradually move the chair away each night until you are by the door, then through the door, then you just sit outside a few nights.

NuffSaidSam · 14/10/2023 21:26

Exhausted85 · 14/10/2023 21:18

I've tried the reading the book and podcast and she is so stressed about being left that she won't listen and calm down.

It'd be good to introduce this during the day when she's calm and able to listen, not when she's already upset/stressed because of bedtime.

Would it help if you stayed upstairs? So she goes to her room to read/play and you go to yours to get ready for bed. Maybe leave the doors open so she can see/hear you getting ready and getting into bed with a book etc.

Original poster
Exhausted85 · 14/10/2023 21:32

The later she goes the worse she is as she's the overly tired.
Tonight she's done it and we've had a girls movie night she went up at 8.30 and it still happened

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Original poster
Exhausted85 · 14/10/2023 21:44

I will try the idea of a audio book during the day to see if we could use it at night thanks for the suggestion x

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Whatisityoucantface · 14/10/2023 21:56

Is it that she doesn’t want you to leave the room? Or have you got a clear reason why she is so upset?
I can imagine it’s been a big change for her. I know a friends daughter of a similar age started to come and sleep in her bed during the night when she spilt with the dad (and she did the same at dads house). Sleep was quite affected by the change at home for sure.
Can you pretend that you are also going to bed at the same time, so she doesn’t think you’re spending time without her? You can just pretend and go through some of the motions like putting your pjs on and teeth brushing together and tell her once she’s tucked up that you’re going to sleep too? Just in case it’s a bit of a FOMO thing too.
Good luck!

Original poster
Exhausted85 · 14/10/2023 22:09

@Whatisityoucantface I think there's an element of me leaving yes . I'm reluctant to start letting her into my bed ,however I did think I could stay with her until she drifts off. To be fair or doesn't take her long if someone is there but again i feel like this is a back step.
I know the divorce has had a impact for sure.

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Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/10/2023 22:13

You could sit in her room with her and read or go on your phone on mums net. You could then go back and forth. There is something where parents leave a token each time they check on their child in the night so that the child can build up
Trust that the parent will keep coming back to them and feel safe to fall asleep.
Book - the invisible string

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/10/2023 22:13

Have you got her books to read with her about divorce?

Whatisityoucantface · 14/10/2023 22:16

Another friend did a sticker reward chart for settling to sleep, if the child did ten days in a row they got a reward

HidingFromDD · 14/10/2023 22:17

I think I’d sit in the room until she fell asleep and lots and lots of reassurance during the day. It won’t last forever, she’s just struggling atm (as you must be too)

AnnaTortoiseshell · 14/10/2023 22:28

Divorce can make children question whether their parents will stop loving them (you stopped loving each other). You’ve said she settles quickly if you stay with her, so I would do that if it works. Yes, it may feel like a backwards step, but it won’t last forever. She sounds like she’s feeling insecure since the divorce and needs more connection with you, not less. I would talk to her about what’s going on and let her know that bedtimes are going to change and go through what the routine will look like from now on, so she can know what to expect from you. I would also look for opportunities to increase your connection with her during the day, so you are meeting her need for connection and closeness at other times as well.

Redhothoochycoocher · 15/10/2023 06:04

AnnaTortoiseshell · 14/10/2023 22:28

Divorce can make children question whether their parents will stop loving them (you stopped loving each other). You’ve said she settles quickly if you stay with her, so I would do that if it works. Yes, it may feel like a backwards step, but it won’t last forever. She sounds like she’s feeling insecure since the divorce and needs more connection with you, not less. I would talk to her about what’s going on and let her know that bedtimes are going to change and go through what the routine will look like from now on, so she can know what to expect from you. I would also look for opportunities to increase your connection with her during the day, so you are meeting her need for connection and closeness at other times as well.

100% agree

Original poster
Exhausted85 · 15/10/2023 13:31

Thank you for all the replies. We've been on a forest walk this morning so sorry for the late reply.
I have decided to take people's ( good) advice and stay with her until she drifts off. This is usually very quickly and an additional ten minutes is probably worth not having all the stress.
I was trying to keep routine but I think people are correct in that it perhaps needs to change for the short term.

Thank you all again 😊

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