Worried about how I’m parenting my toddler

[Worriedmum11223344]

Hello, I’ve name changed for this as I’m worried I’m doing something wrong, so I’d appreciate some gentle replies.

I’m a mum to a 22 month old little boy. He is the light of my life and I love him more than anything. I had a year off with him for maternity leave which went well and I felt really bonded with him. He’d never shown much favouritism between me and my partner during that year but I had the edge on bedtimes, settling him in the night etc and he’d always be really loving with me.

the last few months he’s been in an intense daddy phase and it’s impacted me so much I now feel like a rubbish mum and that I must have done something wrong. I am second guessing all interactions with him and I almost feel like I’m behaving really awkwardly around him and I don’t know how to stop! it’s got to the point where I’m so worried I’m doing stuff wrong I ruminate on all our interactions and worry I’m making everything worse and worse. In the morning when I get him up he’ll shout for daddy and run to find him. If my DP wakes him up I’ll hear him chatting about mummy but he potters around unphased until I appear if that makes sense. Same when I come back home. When DP comes home DD is so excited, but with me it’s like he gives me a nonchalant hi.

I guess the best way to describe it as I worry I’m coming across really unsure and self conscious in our interactions and am spiralling with worry that I’m causing irreversible damage to our relationship. And I realise how catastrophic that sounds! I’ve always been great with kids so it’s come as a big shock. My DP is so natural and easy with him and is DS’s preferred parent currently so I guess I’m looking at all their interactions and trying to mimic them, so then I feel awkward as they’re not ‘me’.

We played in the garden earlier and I was internally racked with self doubt about about how to talk and play with him. I never used to be like this and I’m worried about how to move past it.

My mum was neglectful growing up and died when I was young, and I’ve always been scared I’ll make the same mistakes she did.

Has anybody got any words of wisdom and can relate? Thank you.

Your turn will be soon. 😊 Honestly just enjoy when they are little without worrying too much.

You seem to be doing a great job!

I find both my children prefer their father to me, and I think I have an understanding as to why. During the newborn stage, he worked full time, I didn't, he had two weeks off after their births then would hardly see them, missed all the first steps, first words. So my children cherish their time with him because it was so rare. I was the same as a toddler, I remember hardly ever seeing my dad because of his job so when he was home, I would almost ignore my mum who spent every waking minute with me and did everything for me, I actually feel guilty 30 years later that it upsets my mum. Maybe that's the reason. Of course if your partner is the SAHD then ignore me completely

It's them, not you.
It's totally normal for children to go through phases where they prefer one parent over the other. It'll soon swap.

Not the same but a similar moral.

I'm not my nieces and nephew's favourite aunt out of me and DW. Despite being the blood relative, I'm just not. DW is the fun one, and the one they squabble to sit next to at lunch, and is the one they bounce out of the car for.

However....

It's clear that as they age, they are developing different relationships with us. I noticed had one set of them for an extended period as my DB was in hospital

While DW was still the fun one, I was the one that they came to for help. When they fall down, or have something they are embarrassed about it's me they trust. At the time one was having some medical issues and it was me they came to.

They are now teens, and while they still clearly don't think I'm the cool one, all of them have the sort of relationship where they will text me when they've made some sort of error that they are worried about telling their parents about

I wish I was the fun one, but it's also nice to be the dependable, safe one

I don’t think toddlers make reasoned choices for life at 22 months. They just seek someone out. He might even prefer a nursery teacher later on. Sometimes Dc gravitate to who they see as more “fun” at that moment. It’s not a choice for childhood. If DH plays well with him, be grateful. My DH never had a clue! Take the time for yourself and be pleased DS is happy. Of course he wants you. You’re his mum. It’s a temporary infatuation with dad. You are, after all, both parents and not in competition with each other.

Kids are always swapping favourites. Your turn will come! The fact you're considering how well you're parenting is proof of your good parenting. A neglectful parent wouldn't even consider how well/poor they're doing.

Yeah they swap around all the time, honestly. I've got two and they've both been through various different phases. At the moment my 5 yo is quite balanced between the two of us apart from she usually whinges a bit at the beginning of bedtime on her dad's nights (we usually alternate the kids). My 2yo is currently going through a mummy phase that's been going on for a couple of months now and is frankly very irritating so I hope he moves on again soon...

Thanks for the kind messages everyone. I must be going through it at the moment because they made me cry a little bit with relief.

@TizerorFizz I appreciate this perspective. He is very lucky to have a great dad.

We both work but I am around more due to working hours.

I think my biggest issue is not knowing how to act when he doesn’t want me in the moment and only wants daddy. I pretend it’s fine but I don’t know whether to back off or just pretend like he hasn’t said it. Very hard!

I can really relate to this, I felt exactly the same with my first. In the end I gave up on trying to copy what my DH did with him and tried creating my own things, like baking, that he associated with only me. Eventually he did finally have a mummy phase and now at 6 we're so close and he's so affectionate with me. Honestly I really get how much it hurts and affects your confidence as a mother, but hang in there, your time will come!

It depends on the circumstances I think but in general we don't usually 'swap' just because one of them has asked for the other. And I think that's helped everyone, because as they get older they don't make as big a deal out of it as they know you're not likely to swap and it also means they have good close relationships to both of us and both of us share their care at all levels be that meals, bed times, bath times, taking them to parties, whatever.

So we will just say e.g. "oh you want daddy? Daddy needs to get a shower now, you can see him afterwards, why don't we do X/y/z", "oh you want mummy to put you to bed? Mummy will put you to bed tomorrow, it's daddy's turn tonight" and just crack on.

I agree with continuing with playing with you. Say daddy is busy. He cannot always have what he asks for. You are doing just fine.

@Sundayrain this is what I need to do. I’ll try to think of something going forward we can do together that’s just for us. That’s lovely to hear how close you are now!

Babies believe that they and their mums are the same being for a long time. The father is the first person they recognise as being someone else so I think its natural for them to be curious about them and look to bond with them once they start to realise they are a separate being to their mum. A thought just came to me that maybe it's an evolutionary response to mum having devoted so long to carry and nurture the baby and needing some time off.

Yes! Be glad to have the time off.

Do not worry!! These things can be a bit of a phase but it's actually really good he's so close to his dad. My eldest is neither here nor there between me and his dad, so it was a bit of a shock when I had my second and he was just obsessed with his dad. He's six now and still favours his dad to be honest but they are very similar personality types and I get it, I know he loves me though and when given the choice (to do his bedtime or an activity or whatever) and he chooses me, it feels so much more special.

With my third child it's the other way round and actually it can get a bit tiresome that she only ever wants me, so you can't really win!

I hear you with the baggage from your own parents, I'm NC with mine and have been for a decade, and I often worry that I'm going to replicate their mistakes or that I can't be a good parent because they weren't. But honestly, your child needs to be loved and cared for and FEEL loved and cared for, and that's really it. I adore my second son, he is just wonderful and I love him so much - I make sure he knows that every day, and so we are alright with each other even though he favours his dad mostly.

Just love him, be there and accept his choices. They will likely change in time anyway! Oh also, he's really young - when they can talk more and are more of a 'person', you can find things to bond over that you might not even have expected.