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Original poster

I'm a horrid mother........

51 replies

jellybabe83 · 17/12/2004 14:11

My little boy's 9 months old, and I've just shouted at him so much my throat hurts... it's not the first time either. I'm really tense, and quite down in the dumps at the moment, and I feel so horrible as soon as I've done it. I just can't stop myself from getting cross with him when he does things he shouldn't. I know at this age they don't really understand much of the concept of what no means, and that makes me feel even worse. I know I'll probably get some nasty comments back now, but I just needed to speak to someone......
xxx

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FairyMum · 17/12/2004 19:50

Really? I am smug and self-centred just because I think it's awful to shout at a baby? Sometimes mumsnet is really a really strange place because you are always supposed to be supportive to people whatever they do or have done. I suggested seeing a health visitor because you or your baby clearly needs help. I had pnd the first time around too, but I never shouted at a little baby so much my throat hurt. Of course we can all shot at our kids, but to shout so much your throat hurts? Not normal to me. If that makes me smug, so what?

FairyMum · 17/12/2004 19:51

Sorry, that should be shout and not shot. But please remember to put "only looking for sympathy" in your post next time and I'll stay away. By the way - I am sure a lot of people feel only sympathy with your baby, but just don't post it!

OhComeLetUsADiorHim · 17/12/2004 19:56

FairyMum - I think most people probably objected to your 'horrible indeed' comment.

Jellybabe - I think that it is very difficult not to lose it sometimes with a child of any age. I remember shouting at my ds when he was about 6 months, because he had cried literally all day. It turned out that he was cutting a tooth, and boy did I feel crap. A 9 month old should not be able to do anything that requires shouting at (unlike a toddler who knows right from wrong, and exactly which buttons to push to wind you up ).

As Aloha said, the main thing is to get help with your PND, which you are probably doing. Try not to beat yourself up, as motherhood means guilt. No-one is perfect, certainly not me.

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noddyholder · 17/12/2004 19:57

A bit harsh we all lose it at times and mumsnet is here to help surely?Although if you have never ever felt stressed out and shouted at your kids, you are to be commended and can say what you like

JanH · 17/12/2004 20:00

Fairymum, in an ideal world nobody would shout at a baby, or anybody else for that matter, but the world isn't ideal and we are not perfect and most of us do things we regret. I have shouted at my kids until my throat hurt too, when I have been at the end of my tether, but they have turned out OK - kids are very forgiving - and the guilt it causes probably makes us extra nice later, and it all evens out in the end. There are worse things than shouting.

jellybabe, glad you are feeling better, and your little boy will have completely forgotten by now. Try not to worry about it!

FairyMum · 17/12/2004 20:03

Yes, I apologise for the "horrid indeed" comment, but my point is that it sounds like a bit more than the normal shouting we have all done to our babies/tots..... I appreciate that the poster needs help rather than harsh words which mine was so sorry! I do think it's a bit suprising on Mumsnet sometimes though, because some things really do shock me and these are things I would never do, but people still post comments like "poor you and this is so common". I really hope it isn't. I don't think this sounds very healthy at all. She is getting cross with a 9 month old baby when he doez things he shouldn't. What things shouldn't a 9 month old baby do? I think this post screams this is a mother and baby who needs help!

JanH · 17/12/2004 20:07

Yes, but if you go back and read jellybabe's first post carefully, FM, she knew she shouldn't have done it, she felt bad already, she just wanted reassurance that it wasn't the end of the world and that she isn't a horrid mummy. And it wasn't, and she isn't.

moondog · 17/12/2004 20:11

Exactly-help and support Fairymum. Not harsh words.

FairyMum · 17/12/2004 20:13

She said it's not the first time. I am sure she isn't a hrrid mummy, but it is a horrid thing to do IMO.

feastofstevenmom · 17/12/2004 20:13

i also have a 9 month old. i can't say I am convinced he should try and resist and roll over when I change his nappy - or play with the buggy wheels - or tear books/maps. obviously he doesn't know not to do this at this age - but I don't see that jellybabe's use of the words "things he shouldn't" is particularly worrying in itself.

FairyMum · 17/12/2004 20:17

Eh, well, it is if you then start shouting at your baby until your throat gets sore, but obviously this is normal behaviour in the MN world. I think if the poster went to her GP or health visitor they would see she needed help and I think this is what she should do. It doesn't help to stay on MN and just get told this is just fine and baby doesn't really mind at all.

MaryChristmas · 17/12/2004 20:18

I think it's the heat of the moment thing and Jellybabe feels guilty after shouting at her baby and looking for people who have reacted the way she did. Asking for some answers on how to deal with it and what are good stress busters is a good thing. Jelly babe acknowledeges what she did was not good and has acted on it, Some mothers don't even bother or try to change how they communicate with their offspring.
Now that is surely worrying?
Hope you find a coping strategy Jellybabe.

OhComeLetUsADiorHim · 17/12/2004 20:22

We weren't doing that Fairymum. In fact, if you read my post, I said that no 9 month old baby should be doing anything that requires shouting at. Aloha also mentioned that it was not 'right' (word used hesitantly so as not to cause offence), but that jellybabe had recognised that she was under stress. She knows she has PND, and seems to want to help herself not to react in this way.

So...we are supporting her, because most of us have been in a position of feeling guilty for something we have done or said to our children.

That is what is so great about MN, as no-one has to feel that they are alone in the crap time they are having. I have read some of your postings, and life seems very black and white to you. How nice to be so right and sure of yourself all the time. Please find it in yourself to allow others to be a little less sure of themselves.

SantaGoesToTheGym · 17/12/2004 20:26

Jellybabe,

Stop stressing, you will be fine, and you sound like an intelligent girl. Seems to me there will be an underlying factor.........and in my experience it will be one of the following.

Money:

Frustration: that a little mound of baby flesh can make you feel so inadequate (don't mean for shouting) just mean in general

In laws

Christmas

People in your ante natal who appear to be Super Mommies

I could go on and on but I don't want to kill this thread.

Much love

paolosgirl · 17/12/2004 20:30

Jellybabe - I hope you're feeling better! You're not alone, and you won't be the first mother to feel overwhelmed with it all (you also won't be the last!). I think there is a lot of pressure on mums now to be these fabulous, in control people all the time, perhaps in part due to all the parenting books and tv programmes. The truth is that none of us are perfect, but we do the best we can. I would echo all of the advice so far(except from Fairy Mum, perhaps ), and say that tomorrow is another day. Hugs to you.

aloha · 17/12/2004 20:32

I'm not proud of shouting at my baby and I felt sad and guilty too, but I really don't think it makes me a vile person or a bad mother. But Jellybabe, are you getting help with your PND? What do you think about doing some controlled crying so you get some more sleep? Do you think any of this has been helpful to you.

SPARKLER1clausiscomingtotown · 17/12/2004 23:07

I still have symptoms of PND and dd2 is now 3!!. It definitely helped me when I sought medical help. Was on anti-deps for a short while but try to deal with things myself now. Just telling the HV how I was feeling took a huge weight off me. It was ok talking to my friends and family but they didn't really know what to say to me. HV was very understanding and was very willing to listen to me anytime I needed her.

polly28 · 18/12/2004 00:00

agree with fairymum .I was a bit shocked when i read this thread.Disciplining a nnemonth old by raising your voice-yes,screaming and shouting-no.

Obviously jellybabe realises she was out of control.She needs help.We all get like this sometimes,good for jellybabe for admitting it.

I do think mumsnet does try and be too nicey nice sometimes and I'm sure I'm not the only one thinking this.

Jellybabe I'm not out to make you fell terrible .I just feel bad for your baby and agree you need to seek help to control your anger.

When he's a toddler you'll need more control than ever.

paolosgirl · 18/12/2004 00:14

I don't think MN tries to be nicey nice at all. I think what most of try and do is recognise when someone is at a low ebb and needs a bit of support, and not be so quick to condemn. Jellybabe has obviously felt bad about this, and wants things to improve - which makes her a wonderful caring thoughtful parent IMO. Losing it and screaming one day is not the worst thing that could happen to a baby. Bottling up the anger, not wanting anything to change and then lashing out at your baby - well, that is when the criticism should start. Before then, no.

rickman · 18/12/2004 00:16

Message withdrawn

spacedonkey · 18/12/2004 00:18

but what would be achieved by condemning people fairymum/polly?

the fact that someone has posted here to ask for help means that they want and deserve support, not condemnation

polly28 · 18/12/2004 00:35

yes she's asking for help and someone to listen to her .

That doesn't mean we have to say that what she did was fine .
I know we all scream and shout at our kids at times,by kids I don't mean babies,that doesn't excuse any of us just because it happens.
Yes she should be comforted by the fact that she's not the only one,but it still doesn't make it okay.

I 'm not condemning her,I'm agreeing with her that she needs help.We all do sometimes

xmashampermunker · 18/12/2004 00:39

I don't think people have said it was fine. I think people have said don't beat yourself up about it, well done for recognising there's a problem and here's some tips on how best to take it on from here.

paolosgirl · 18/12/2004 00:41

Exactly. We all need help and support. Well said. We don't need any sort of condemnation or criticism when we're feeling wretched, do we?

xmashampermunker · 18/12/2004 00:44

I just mind when people say it's 'nicey nice' to support someone and the only thing to do is tell them what they're doing is wrong. IMO if they're posting on MN with thread titles like this one, they probably have a perfectly fair idea that what they're doing is wrong and they're asking for help. So the last thing that's needed is smug people saying how horrible they are.

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