5 yr old boys beating each other up....

[HonoriaGlossop]

OK I need the MN jury as I just don't know how I ought to feel on this one.

DS in yr 1 and this term there has been a real change in the way all the boys are playing with eachother (I see this every time I pick ds up as the school has a big play area and he plays there after school every day, needs to let off the steam!) they are fighting in a much more rough way, real punching, kicking etc....two boys have had nasty black eyes just in the last few weeks.

There appear to be no more 'imaginative' games as in 'you be so-and-so and i'll b so-and-so' etc, it's just literally run at the nearest boy and really hit them hard....

Is this normal?

Am I being precious to hate this and find it hard to watch? I often am precious and am not going to take offence if told so

What do you think??!!

I witnessed something similar at our local park yesterday, although instead of actual punches it was more pretending to be fighting, iyswim. These are all reception age kids and they were severely told that this is not how we act.

However I have since found out that they all got the idea from one boy who is apparently allowed to play 18 cert games on the xbox! . His mother said she lets him play them as it's the only way to keep him quiet and now she's horrified that he's acting out what's on the screen in the playground. .

Well its one thing playing wrestling games (mine do this on the trampoline or our bed), which is mainly grabbing hold of each other and swinging them round. But they do not punch or kick each other and i'd quickly have something to say about it if they did. Kicking or punching someone is never on is it?

Saying that, I'm all for boys letting off steam and "play fighting/wrestling" I think it lets them learn how to establish boundaries and recognise that there is only so far you can go.

I don't think the behaviour you describe happens in our playground (and I don't think I'm being naive here), neither is it acceptable. Do the staff allow it to happen??

I know that mine, along with the odd playfight, will do imaginary stuff as they've mentioned playing "beavers" and "Land before Time", in the past few days.

What do the other mums say?

I think there is lots of pretend fighting and action hero re-enacting which goes on at this age, and is quite normal, but physical harm is NOT OK in my book.

I have two boys and find all the grunting/ tussling etc really hard to hope with, but I genuinely think they just NEED to do it sometimes!

thanks WB. Up to now it's been 'pretending' but now they are really punching and kicking, hard.

Trouble is I am the only parent who ever, ever says anything. I take ds off when I just can't stand it anymore but no-one else, ever intervenes in any way at all, and they are all standing there waiting....it's that which makes me feel maybe I am precious - otherwise how can people watch their kids really kicking, punching and fighting really nastily and not say anything? I feel at a loss really.

thanks guys. As I said just now Turkey, the other mums and dads just stand and do nothing whatsoever.

This is happening after school (don't know about playtimes as I'm not there)

Well I'd be with you Honoria.....I couldn't stand and watch and let my kid get hurt. Its one thing play fighting but another if they are actually hurting each other with kicks etc.

no I couldn't stand by and watch either. And if my ds hurt someone like that I'd be mortified.

I have sons in Year 1 and Year 3. By year 3 the testosterone has definately kicked in. They all play at 'wrestling' after school and we mothers stand around chatting while keeping a beady eye on the boys as it can suddenly go from harmless fun to something nastier. There is still a big emphasis on imaginative play though, for my ds1 at least.

Ds2 who is 5 has started to play things like 'Power Rangers' where some high kicking karate style moves seem to be in order -although it is certainly not as 'real' or 'violent' looking as the Year 3 boys. I think that boys in general can wind eachother up and really seem to play off eachother so when you get a small group of boys who start the fighting games it doesn't take long for it to start to get rather aggressive and even a bit out of hand (and this is amongst very 'nice' and generally very well behaved boys iyswim)

So I do seem to take the view that it's a natural 'boy thing ' although I can't pretend I like it! My youngest ds has a bruised cheek and fat lip the other week from games with his brother and looked like he had been in a pounch up when in fact it really had been a case of tickling getting out of hand and he getting kicked or elbowed in the face!

This would certainly not be accepted at my children's school. At junior school children lose playtime for being too boisterous (epuphemism for fighting) and the same applied at infants.

I would apply the same rules outside of school hours; the kids around here know that this is not what they're supposed to be doing.

Tbh I would apply the same rules to my own son, even if every single mum in the neighbourhood was cheering their own offspring on to fight. It's what I think that counts as far as my son is concerned!

My brothers were not allowed to fight either, and there are plenty of boy ways of letting off steam without leaving other people with black eyes.

thanks for the views.

I will bring it up with the teacher I think

I have found it really hard to deal with as my ds does not kick or punch himself, so it's not as if I can haul him out and tell him off - he's usually at the receiving end! And when the other kids parents are just over the playground I find it very weird to be the only 'policeman'. I have told the kids to stop kicking etc though.

I have told DS to stay away with the kids that behave like this; it is utterly unacceptable to cause physical injury in the name of "boys being boys" or whatever - they don't actually need to give a black eye in order to have fun!!!

I have told him that if they treat him like that, he is to say in a really loud voice (we call it the "dog voice" as my mum is a dog trainer and has a "special" voice for this!) "NO!" and then tell an adult.

I am also going to get him to self-defence lessons to help him block/protect himself and I will let him use it if he needs to - AND I'll tell the school that if they allow such bad behaviour then they should expect kids to defend themselves by such means.

Same goes with bullies - if the school won't deal with it, I'll tell DS to hit them back... they won't do it again!

I would insist on the school dealing with it instead of teaching ds to defend himself- why should he learn a habit that can get him into trouble later in life just because they can't get their act together?