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Parenting

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Original poster

I need to talk

17 replies

littlemissgrumpy1 · 12/10/2023 20:41

I’m hoping someone can just offer a friendly ear really. I’m on my own tonight (husband is away) and feeling so terribly guilty about something that happened today. In all honesty it’s happening a lot but today was particularly bad. I just get so overwhelmed with the smallest of life’s challenges. Time pressure is a big thing and just juggling work/life/kids/school is making me unnecessarily anxious.
I keep finding that getting the kids to school is a big trigger at the moment and I frequently get quite impatient when they move really slowly or need me to organise everything. Today I really lost it and shouted (avd swore) as we were running late. Both of them cried and school were aware there was an issue and were very kind. I’ve spent the whole day in a fog of guilt over my massive over reaction and how I made my poor children feel. We’ve obviously talked at length and cuddled and they say they’re ok but I feel awful . I can’t seem to control my temper when things get on top of me. They looked frightened this morning and I hate myself for that.
many boy’s asleep now and I just want to wake him up and apologise again. My dad was very angry growing up and I hated it 😔

OP posts:

Sam202012 · 12/10/2023 20:52

Didn’t want to read and leave @littlemissgrumpy1 . I also snapped at my kids this morning , I was impatient and in a hurry. I also felt awful afterwards and apologized. Luckily they were both fine I think all parents snap at times and don’t mean it. We are all trying our best, so be kind to yourself. The fact that you are so upset shows what a lovely caring parent you are ❤️

Original poster

littlemissgrumpy1 · 12/10/2023 21:07

Thank you @Sam202012 im sorry you had a difficult morning too.

OP posts:

ThePaleGreenPants · 12/10/2023 21:09

That’s me nearly every morning trying to get the kids out for school.
The one thing they say is kids always forget, they never forget the apology. We all make mistakes, but if we keep looking at the wrong that we do we will never get anywhere. Always apologise and try better next time.
you are doing a great job! Here anytime you want to talk xx

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fedupandstuck · 12/10/2023 21:12

They'll forget about it soon, really they will. It's good that you talked about it with them.

Practically, the only solution to avoiding rushed stressful mornings is for you all to get up earlier, and for you to get as much as possible organised the night before. So bags, uniform, lunches, etc etc.

ARxo · 12/10/2023 21:47

I agree with PP!
Not sure if this will help but I have memories of my mom going absolutely ape at us as children especially on a morning before school and I look back at it now and laugh. Because now I’m a parent I UNDERSTAND. 😂

Original poster

littlemissgrumpy1 · 12/10/2023 21:55

Thank you. Genuinely you can’t understand how your kind words have helped me tonight.
I just wish I could get a grip on the anxiety and overreacting . I feel like I’ve tried so much (cbt, doctors) but it keeps reoccurring!

OP posts:

Rainallnight · 12/10/2023 21:58

It’s a horrible feeling when you’ve lost it. All sympathies to you.

not wanting to make it bigger than it is, but if you feel things are getting on top of you regularly, would it help to talk to someone?

what sort of support do you have?

ruthonfire · 12/10/2023 22:00

Mornings are so stressful. I have lost my shit on many an occasion so don't beat yourself up too much. We've all been there. As pp said, could you get up a bit earlier to give yourself more time to get organised? Nothing worse than a big rush in the morning.

FusionChefGeoff · 12/10/2023 22:00

This was me - and I 'followed the string' of my thoughts to find the reason:

I am angry because kids are slow / pissing about because...
That is going to make us late.
Why is being late so bad?
I really poked about in my subconscious and worked out I was worried that people would judge me if I was late.
I was scared they would think I was a crappy parent because we were late
I didn't want them to think I couldn't cope
Being late was a sign of not being in control
I was frightened of losing control...

And as a result, I completely lost control and was a crappy parent by yelling at them!!

When I realised this, I had such a dawning moment of clarity it all seemed so ridiculous!!!

I want to be a good parent.
I want to be in control.
So what if we're 5/10/15 minutes late?
As long as it's a calm, loving 5/10/15 minutes then stuff what everyone else thinks
Are they really going to disregard everything they know about me and how much I do for and love my children and think "well she's obviously a terrible mother" because we were last to arrive at school??
And if they do think that, does it actually mean I'm a shitty parent? No, it doesn't.

Honestly, if you can reveal the lies we tell ourselves and replace with truth it makes everything so much easier

StorminanDcup · 12/10/2023 22:41

I really shouted at my DC this evening because he was standing on the bathroom bin and it slipped and he fell off. He didn’t hurt himself or anything but nearly did… and I’ve told him SO many times not to do it.

I really shouted right at him and he immediately started to cry and say sorry and I just feel awful about it. But it was a heat of the moment reaction to him pissing around at bedtime (same as every night).

You’re not alone OP, it’s really hard. One thing I do tend to do is apologise again at an unrelated time. So tomorrow when we are having down time I will say I’m really sorry I shouted at you and I love you and I’ll try not to do it again and then that gives them a chance to say anything without the emotion involved.

But honestly the odd shouty mornings won’t hurt them if their overall memory is being safe and loved. Just keep working on it!

arcadiamadia · 12/10/2023 22:49

I shouted at DD tonight. I'd had such a hard day at work, DH is on second business trip in two weeks, I've been ill for about a month and can't rest and get better.

She was whining because I didn't get to her steam picture in the shower in time but this was after about an hour of "mum look at me!" "Mum look at this!"

I'm normally up for it all but just snapped tonight and now I feel absolutely dreadful.

PurpleOrchid42 · 12/10/2023 22:53

The problem is, nowadays, with social media, any parent who's even remotely keen to be less shouty/aggressive than their own parents, follows parenting pages or reads parenting books. And we're all told we must never shout at our kids, as it will ruin their mental health etc. etc. So then when we inevitably do, at some point, lose our rag, we feel utterly dreadful, like the worst parent in the world and consumed by guilt and shame... and so begins the downward spiral.

So today I decided I'm calling bullshit on that. It's okay to be a normal human and lose your rag sometimes. Your kids need to actually know that people will do that if they push them too far. And if you manage to apologise afterwards, even better. Now they know how to make amends, like a decent human being. Conflict is just a part of life. It's okay that they experienced it. You're obviously a good person who is generally very tolerant, and that is absolutely good enough! And don't let social media persuade you otherwise!

DNLove · 12/10/2023 22:55

I'm also a fully signed up member of the lose the rag club! Us mammies are trying to juggle so much in the morning, all we ask for is some cooperation!

MotherOfCrocodiles · 12/10/2023 23:18

Argh why are you all apologising to your kids for loosing your temper when they are behaving horrendously and doing things they have been told many times not to do?

Kids need to know that other people have limits and have feelings.

ThePaleGreenPants · 13/10/2023 07:44

That’s really helped me! Thanks for posting that! So great to hear from different people and their perspective!

Original poster

littlemissgrumpy1 · 13/10/2023 12:51

To those of you who were also feeling rubbish and guilty yesterday, I hope today is going much better.
some really useful comments and advice above. A big thank you.
@MotherOfCrocodiles I hear what you’re saying and don’t disagree. But in this instance they’d done absolutely nothing wrong. They were ready and waiting. It was just one small thing I needed to go and when I was hot, flustered and feeling overwhelmed that literally sent me over the edge. That why I felt so terrible.
anyway, onwards and onwards today. This morning was much better.

OP posts:

Isheabastard · 13/10/2023 13:12

I think you have identified two problems for yourself.

One is getting stressed in the mornings.

Two your guilt on losing your temper.

The first one is telling you that you may be getting a bit of burn out. It may be the solution is to rethink your morning schedule, or prepare more the night before. Or you may need to work on having more ‘me’ time or more fun or relaxing things to bring down your stress levels overall.

Secondly, your fathers bad temper may be triggering your guilt when you lose your temper. I didn’t often lose my temper with my child, but on a few occasions when I did I felt justified and felt it reminded them I was human too.

So I’d suggest have a think on that. Can you imagine a situation where you could lose your temper and feel ok about it? Or would you always feel bad? If so that could be because of your father.

Are the children old enough for you to ask how they feel about it when you get cross and shouty? My Dd told her it upset her at the time but she could see when I had justification with it (This was a conversation that I had with her when she was an adult).

It may be that you walked on eggshells as a child and quaked with fear everytime you father ranted. It may be a very different experience for them. Can you ask them when things have calmed down?

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