DH shouts at 4mo DS when crying

[Eseedeepee]

DH often has 4mo DS for 20/30 mins whilst I read a bedtime book to 2.5yo DS. Baby is often crying as he’s tired, more so the last 2 nights after his 16 week jabs.

On a few occasions DH has cried back at DS - quite loud, not aggressive or angry I don’t think, but a loud shout of ‘aaahhhh’. DS then cries more hysterically after this. I’m then rushing the bedtime book to go and save baby, or shouting down the stairs asking him to stop.

I have asked him to stop as it’s cruel. I just get laughed off/ shrugged off/ told it’s fine “calm down, he’s fine”.For more context he also tells 2yo DS to “stop being a wet wipe” when he’s crying.

Other than this, he’s a good dad. I don’t think he’s doing it out of anger, it’s more like he just doesn’t know what else to do.

What I can do or say to make him stop?

He’s not a good dad, quite possibly not a good human being.

Jeez. What next, I'm worried he will shake your DS next if he doesn't stop crying. This is absolutely horrendous.

He is a horrible dad. What sort of complexes is he going to give your children if this is how he treats them when they're crying.

You can't say apart from this he's a good dad because this is absolutely not good dad behavior or normal parenting behavior. I would suggest you reconsider your own relationship if you can say he's a good dad

He's an ignorant dick and needs to get some parenting classes. What an arsehole.

Is he unkind to you too?

A good dad would pick his baby up and comfort him. A good dad doesn’t shout at a baby. He is not a good dad OP. Why are you protecting a bully?

By the way I knew a dad like this with two sons at DS school. Calling them weak or wet if they cried (eg smacked in the face with a ball - anyone would have cried). Boys are now teenagers and it hasn’t worked out well. Take action now…

Absolutely, he’s a cunt

He isn't a good dad is he though.
Imagine him doing that to you in your face would you still think he's a good partner?
No.
Tell him to sort his anger problem out or you leave.

Being horrible to a baby or child who is crying is awful. Your children will grow up unable to express their feelings and he is fuelling toxic masculinity. Don’t be surprised when your son grows up frustrated and angry as he is learning that it is not okay to cry. You have the power to protect your children from this and should.

On what planet would you wish to shock, startle, frighten and scare a FOUR MONTH old baby?

The natural instinct when presented with a vulnerable infant is to nurture, soothe, protect and keep calm.

He sounds like a psycho and I would not want him anywhere near my pets let alone children and babies.

Not only is he not a good dad, I'd be worried about this escalating, and the safety of your DC

How has he been with your older DS?

How is he a good Dad?

Regarding the older child, I think it's ok to jolly a child along if they are making a big deal and overreacting but you do so in a kind way.

For example if they have tripped up in the park and grazed a knee and are screaming you might say something like, "Come on, let's go and see if we can find some squirrels. You'll have to stop crying though or we might scare them off!"

You don't call them a wet wipe.

Another "good dad". the phrase is almost a red flag for abuse at this point.

Like Jewelspun said, the natural human instinct when a baby cries is to comfort it. There is something very wrong with him.

I also suspect he is being spectacularly awful to both your children so you will mind them - I mean it works doesn't it? you cut storytime short to rescue your baby from his father.

Talk to the public health nurse. you need help.

Thank you for responses so far

I say ’D’H is otherwise a ‘good’ parent to my eldest DS - they play together so much, he puts him to bed and they cosleep, DS always wakes up happy and I can hear them in their room goofing around and laughing. I’d say with every other parenting area we are on the same page - such as creating a healthy relationship around food, consent (never forced to kiss bye to a relative) etc etc

When my eldest DS gets annoyed or upset DH is usually fine - asks what’s wrong, tries to help etc. It’s the illogical toddler tantrums he struggles with, he just thinks they’re ridiculous and hence the trivialising response. He just doesn’t get it that it doesn’t matter why DS is upset it only matters that he is upset. When I try to explain why it matters he just tells me I spend too long on the internet.

Baby DS is generally happy and giggly - we are always making noises and faces at him to make him laugh. DH seems to just think his shouting is an extension of that and says ‘sometimes he laughs’. He does also comfort him and play with him the first 10 mins but then baby has had enough. I EBF and this 20 mins at bedtime is the only time they have alone together.

The more I see in the way his parent are with DS the more I see his behaviour is so much down to how he was brought up. I feel that if I can get through to him he will stop it’s just finding the way to make him understand that their emotions are real and valid.

OP you've said he doesn't know what else to do, he could just not cry back at a 4 month old baby, like any normal parent. The fact that the baby cries more loudly afterwards says it all

Just tell him to stop being a dick and to be a parent. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Surely you can just tell him to have a reasonable response to a tiny baby? I mean if he insists that shouting at a 4 month old is appropriate that's more problematic...

@Eseedeepee i understand what you’re saying. I think you’re right to be concerned and you’re 100% right in what you say about him needing to realise their feelings are valid. Maybe he doesn’t see how it would affect them deep down or sees this as the normal due to how his parents raised him.

It sounds to me like he lacks empathy / seems a little insensitive. Whether it’s down to his childhood, his mission now should be to break the cycle. Fingers crossed it works out and he realises there’s better ways to approach things. Communication is key and if he understands where he’s going wrong he can then put it right

There's no excuse for his behaviour. He is a parent now and no matter what his childhood was like, it's not good enough. The way he is treating your baby and toddler is disgusting and will affect them as they grow up if it continues. Imagine you were upset about something and someone you love and trust turns around and cries back at you in your face instead of meeting your basic needs. How are your children supposed to regulate their emotions in a healthy way and deal with problems they face as they grow up when they are mocked and made to feel small by their own parent.

Don’t leave him alone with the children.

4mo. 16 weeks. 112 days old. Been out in this world less than half the time he was inside his mum. And this dick of a dad is wahhhhhhhh ING in his face when the baby is clearly crying for something. All I can say is......he's a shit dad, and it will certainly progress further. And the other poor child being called a wet wipe. Beautiful put down from shit dad to said child. What next. Flush their heads down the loo.

The more I see in the way his parent are with DS the more I see his behaviour is so much down to how he was brought up. I feel that if I can get through to him he will stop it’s just finding the way to make him understand that their emotions are real and valid.

You may have identified why he is the way he is. But honestly, there is such a strong protective instinct that kicks in when you have a newborn or small baby or toddler. A normal parent will want to console, mind, help. They might also want to shout "for fucks sake I'm exhausted why can't you go to sleep" but they don't because - infant and protection and nurturing instinct. Your dh seems to have skipped this.

Honestly my dh has more respect for our dog than yours seems to have for his children.

You won't be able to find the right words to get through to him - you haven't so far. At the very least he needs parenting classes. Possibly counselling.

He is not a good dad. He is horrible to your children. I would be seeking to protect my children from him.

There is something seriously wrong with this man and he should be reported to social services.

And you OP are either in the FOG or in denial and should be held equally responsible for allowing it to happen.

Your children are being traumatized before your eyes.

Get help immediately or get your kids out of this home.