Three year old self-defeating

[SpatulasArentSpoons]

I could use some advice.

My 3yo is going through a very challenging phase.

At bedtime, he has a routine. He gives cuddles and kisses, turns his gro-clock on, has a wee and we sing a song. Recently, he has a complete meltdown at bedtime. When we try to do the routine, he screams no and physically pushes us away, pushes away his clock and screams when we sing. So far so normal for a toddler.

But then, he will cry for ages because we haven't done those things. I can see that he's having this internal battle - it's like he's deliberately self-sabbotaging (obviously he's not, he's only three but you take my point). As soon as we leave him, he's begging for cuddles/clock/songs. We go back in and offer the things he's crying for, and he pushes us away and screams NO.

It wouldn't be an issue, except bed times are now taking 90 minutes... this doesn't work - we live in v. close proximity to neighbours and he's screaming at full volume. He's also keeping his sibling awake.

Any advice?

Oh gosh this sounds excruciating, poor all of you! I have no idea but didn't want to read and run. Could it be he knows the routine means the beginning of the end so he's reluctant to engage with it? Idk if it'll help but I made this little chart for our house with all the routine stuff on it. Super simple, just a bit of card with the bottom half cut into strips. Each strip is a different element of the routine. Then popped some velcro dots on so it can be 'ticked off' when done. This has given some autonomy over the process. They decide what order we'll do things in (stories first or teeth) which seems to make the whole debacle a bit easier.

Not sure if that would work for you but it's all I got! Sending strength to you!

He doesn't want all that stuff, he just wants you in the room. So he is trying to learn how to get his needs met. The tricky is that bedtime is actually a separation for him but for you it's getting yourself back again. So it's a very loaded thing. You are looking forward to what he's dreading.
It sounds really hard though, in terms of tips all I can suggest is trying to have some special time and maybe get some books or even just talk about night time.
We have had some success with"night walk" for our 3 year old, on a weekend if he's quick enough we have time to take a torch and go for a walk in the neighborhood. But that creates a demand for night walk every day.
The main thing is to understand and listen for us.
Good luck as I know every child is one in a million!

It sounds like he could be overtired. Has he recently started nursery or pre-school or something like that? If so, try starting the whole process an hour earlier.

The other thing to try would be a completely different routine, like a hard reset. For example you could try, bath and PJ's, then one episode of favourite TV show with some warm milk and cuddles, then teeth, then a story, then clock then you leave him. Or any other completely different routine.

Johnd2 "He doesn't want all that stuff, he just wants you in the room"

OMD, I'm 47 and this reminds me of me at 3! So it's all like signs that mummy and daddy have to leave the room.

I would start the whole process earlier, change the routine and start to sit in with him while he drops off.

He just doesn't want to be alone.

Try a different routine. Start a new one & see what happens. It’s not easy though. I go to bed at the same time as my son, as he loves chatting & cuddling. He could never be alone in the room. I change things sometimes, to move him on to a new phase of growing up. But there are times he wants to hold onto “baby times” by asking for a bottle while sitting on my lap. Your DS is growing into a new phase, it’s hard for him to process.