Child arrangements/seperation

[Rabz88]

Hi

I was just wondering if I can get some advice from you lovely people. I apologise in advance is this is abit long winded.

i have recently separated from my husband, we share a 6 year old. She lives with me but she sees her father whenever he can arrange and she goes to stay for weekends etc.

she isn’t comfortable staying for more than a couple of days even though he bribes her with days out and promises of endless fun to get her to stay longer. I have never stopped contact, she speaks to him on the phone whenever she is able to.

He lives approx 2 hours away from us so constant to and fro isn’t really reasonable. He is supposed to be paying me CM of £600 a month as he earns quite a bit but only pays me £300.

As school holidays are coming up he wants her to come stay during the week. However the problem I have here is she herself doesn’t want to stay a week on top she has some out of school tuition which is still ongoing regardless of holidays. I have told him of this and he’s saying that it’s not his problem and has threatened me with court.

I am also planning a holiday in the new year and now he has started saying I am not allowed to take her anywhere without his permission.

I am more than happy for her to maintain a relationship with her father but I feel like I am trapped with him because we share a child.

I have tried to gain legal advice but all lawyers seem to charge extortionate amounts just for an hour. I am stressing so much it’s taken an affect on my health and all I want is to finally be happy and away from someone who has emotionally abused me for years. I am trying to break out of a cycle but I feel more trapped than ever.

I am fully aware that separating was my decision and it would be hard but I feel like I have no way of letting it out or talking to someone. My family don’t understand why I have the concerns and fears. I’m just so scared I’m going to lose my daughter.

I would love to hear some advice or something positive 💜

A scared and worried Mum

Alright so the problem is he wants her to go for a whole week and you know she’ll find that hard at the moment?
So suggest working up to it. If she’s managing one overnight some weekends she’ll cope ok with 2 or 3 overnights. So suggest doing that this holidays, and suggest that she does a whole week next time it fits in, and book that week in for him.
Or suggest he takes her Friday-Sunday (so 2nights in a row) a couple of times on his planned weekends before the holiday to help her build up to a full week or at least 3-4 nights. He could be a real pain about a holiday abroad if he chose to. A UK holiday he can’t do anything about if it’s on your time. You’d have to go to court to get a holiday abroad approved if he objects.
If it’s impossible to negotiate with him because he bullies you then the only option really is to let him take you to court for a CAO. If that happens get it all set out in stone how contact works. If there’s no money for a solicitor you can self represent. But I’d recommend doing as much research as possible, coming up with a reasonable proposal and then paying for one session with a solicitor to discuss whether what you’re proposing is reasonable or not.
Him wanting a whole week during some of the holidays is not unreasonable. A court would like order something like holidays shared 50/50 and weekend visits perhaps every other weekend.

Can you work round the lessons in school holidays thing? So that her dad can have her for some of the week. He might want her what 5 days, but you/she can do three? Or maybe skip the lesson.

If he refuses to do this and takes you to court/threatens to take you to court then you have evidence that you tried to compromise/were doing the best for your child.

Keep up/facilitate/support the phone contact.

Ref taking her away. You don't need his permission to take her away (and neither does he if he has parental responsibility)

The CM - put a formal claim in.

What about other holidays, whats the proposed visitation pattern for that?

thank you guys for your advice I do appreciate it.

at the moment the arrangement is basically he will text me what weekend he can have her and expects me to just say yes. Irrespective of if I have anything planned or not.

I try and keep texting to a minimum because I just don’t want him to use anything against me. When we were together it was I just who did everything. Even on his days off he couldn’t be bothered to do the school run. I feel like it’s so unfair just because he’s on her birth certificate he has the right to ruin things for us especially when I have done everything for her.

she says she doesn’t want to go during the week and she only wants to go for 1/2 days. We have been separated for 9 months now. I have told him a few times to do it slowly and not force her or bribe her but everytime she says no she doesn’t want to come he will bribe her with one thing or another. She will then come back to me upset that he didn’t fulfil the promises he said

It’s not unreasonable to want a schedule that’s fixed in advance so you can plan your free time with your daughter. Is there a reason why he can’t plan much in advance (eg. Shiftwork) or is he just disorganized?
Long term it sounds like having a contact plan that doesn’t get deviated from and so doesn’t require ongoing negotiation and only minimal communication is what you need. No one can force a non-resident parent to actually turn up when they have contact time scheduled but it would protect the time you have scheduled with her. He wouldn’t be able to just call/text and expect you to drop everything so he can have contact time at short notice. Obviously this would require going to court. Usually you have to attempt mediation first. You could ask for shuttle mediation -where a mediator goes between separate rooms so you and your ex don’t speak directly - if you can’t imagine being in the same room as him talking about contact.
If he is a shiftworker then a court would expect him to communicate his availability as soon as possible, so that contact dates can be agreed. So if he gets his schedule 4 weeks in advance then he should be sorting contact 4 weeks in advance and not 2 days in advance.

He’s not on shift work but he does get his rota in advance. He’s in sales management so he only gets one weekend off in a month as far as I’m aware.

When he wants to he can manage to re arrange things and get time off but when it comes to me he becomes difficult and says he’s unable to move things around. For example at the moment he’s abroad with his parents and trying to threaten me with court because I’m planning to go on a holiday.

When we were still together, I had to go abroad for private surgery last year and it was the first time I was away from our daughter and when I got back my little girl would not leave my side. Even now she still says how she wasn’t comfortable without me.

I’m just worried he’s going to use the fact he pays CM and that he’s on her birth cert against me and end up taking 50/50.

50/50 is not usually considered as an option when you live 2 hours apart.

Thank you Percy I really appreciate your advice and help. Honestly when you’ve been put down so much you lose all confidence and second guess everything 💜