When does being with DC become more fun than work?

[Keha]

My lovely DC are 1 and 3.

I've been thinking about how many activities with them feel tiring and like work, when the same activity done by myself or with a friend would feel like fun. Example, a leisurely stroll in our local woods, by myself or with a friend would feel relaxing, restful, would give me a boost, "refill my cup". The same activity with my children is tiring, draining, I almost want a break afterwards. This doesn't mean it was necessarily bad, I might have enjoyed it but ultimately feels like it has drained my energy not given me more energy. Same could be said for going swimming, out for lunch somewhere, days out , holidays etc.

Before kids, I often used to do days out with my own mum and I assume she found that relaxing and pleasant not an energy drain. I remember going on walks, holidays, trips with my parents as a child/teenager and having genuine fun and feeling buoyed afterwards...and now I wonder whether my parents felt the same or whether it was often hard work for them and they quite looked forward to getting home.

So, if you have older children, is there a point when doing "fun" activities with them, started to feel genuinely fun and relaxing or does it always continue to feel quite hard work until they are maybe adults?

Once the youngest is about 4 - then it's easy, and just great fun. But listen when people say "enjoy every minute" because you will literally only have about 10 years of that before they don't want to do stuff with you at all!!

I also say 4. They become civilised at 4. I remember two weeks after DS’ 4th birthday taking him to the theatre and then out for lunch and thinking how awesome it was.

When they're 18 and can join you in a bottle of Pinot.
Motherhood is a joy & a drudge

Ds is 3.5. Not yet. I’ve just done a nice woodland walk with him which involved me carrying back both running bike and child as he ‘ was tired’.

My eldest is 4 and I think that’s been a game changer too.

I was honestly just thinking about this the other day - I took her out for a few hours - to the shops and then lunch. And it was really fun and pleasant and I just loved listening to her talking about school and her perception of the world.

i then went home to my lovely 9 month baby and that felt lovely but tiring again.

I think the primary school years are the best. They can follow trails in the park or museum and kid's activities are aimed at them.

However at this stage you have to adjust your expectations. Think of it as mainly a change of scene.

A fun day for young DC might be going to the woods and rushing round while you sit an a log with a brew. You may not actually achieve a walk. We took DS to the zoo and for him the best thing was the hosepipes in different colours.

For all ages everything is much more fun if you go with a friend.

As long as we were not in a rush and were dressed appropriately (Scotland so usually wellies and rain jackets that you were not bothered about getting muddy) I used to love pottering around the woods with toddler ds. Picking up leaves, throwing stones/sticks in the river, exploring it through their eyes and not caring if we got into a mess.

There was then a stage when they were a bit older and more adventurous, climbing over things or moving out of grab range that it was a bit more nerve wracking but still lots of fun.

I always find doing anything in the outdoor air needs a sit down and a drink when I get home anyway, but it is still invigorating.

4/5ish buuuut it does depend a bit on circumstances and their mood. There are still times when you have to piggyback them to the car while they scream because their welly fell off and they stood in the mud and you made the mistake of thinking 4pm on a Sunday would be a nice time for a crisp Autumnal walk but actually everyone’s cold and tired.

My big one is almost four, and I’d noticed in the last month or so that things are getting easier with her. We can have proper conversations that aren’t about paw patrol, and she can entertain herself for long enough (10 mins perhaps…) which allows me to recharge with tea.

Between the ages of about 7 and 12. Then again if you are lucky 17 onwards.... the years between 12 and 17 (two DD's) have nearly broken me tbh.

With DD1, somewhere around 3.5, at least a fair bit of the time – I remember taking her out for swimming, a ride on a bus, and lunch at a café, just us two, as a treat and it was just so easy. Now, I was giving her my full attention, it was her special time with mummy, but it was almost all just enjoying her. DD2 is 1.5, so...not yet.

That said, I find there are times when even being with both DC together does recharge me – they're just not necessarily the planned times (and they might be quite short). So walking to nursery on a nice morning, DD1 involving me in her latest 'let's pretend', DD2 pointing out cars/trains/birds, everyone's happy together, and I just feel a lift. Or watching the two of them run up and down the hall giggling together and playing I-don't-know-what (and I doubt DD2 really does either, but she's having fun).

The golden years of childhood are between the ages of 4-10.

Have loved every age and stage of my boy. I mean that hand on heart but I recognise not every one on MN feels that way. Ds has turned into a favtastic young man at 18. He's still great company and we're close, our family of 3. One thing I will say is that from about 13 upwards your concerns change. Ds is really good at keeping in touch but if he goes to a party or gig, i cannot rest until he's home .

Definitely about 4. Easier from about 3.5, but since 4 I can have decent conversations and much less stressful days out with mine. Heavily dependent on mood though - yesterday's walk home from school was a nightmare and he's nearly 5, but was very tired and hungry.

I've also found work easier since around 4, I think because I have a bit more brain space now we're out of the really tough years.

This thread is encouraging- dd is 3yo and I don't feel I'm there yet. But pp all saying 4yo gives me hope!

I've just got in from a woodland walk with my almost 2 year old. Im exhausted! Im having tea and toast while she watches Bluey. It was not fun.

We have been swimming and to a toddler class this morning and I much prefer doing indoor stuff than outdoor

Thank you for the responses. It's encouraging and glad you haven't all just slammed me for saying I find doing "nice" things with my kids draining.

Mine are 6 and 9 and I’m still waiting for things to stop being draining….

My thoughts on this are probably coming also from doing some training on resilience at work. Discussion about "not pouring from an empty cup" and what "fills/empties" your cup and thinking how parenting fits into that.

DC1 about hmm 5-6ish. DC2, still waiting..

I've got a 2 and a 4 year old. Most things with one of them alone are lovely, most things with the two of them together are awful. Looking forward to the days I can take them both out alone and enjoy it. I'm still taking the double pram out despite the eldest starting school or the whole outing would be a shitshow! 1 and 3 is tough OP. Divide and conquer if possible!

I once read that between the ages of 9 - 12 are the perfect years. They’re old enough to do most things without your help, but you are still the most important person in their world.

But in truth, it comes and goes as they grow. It depends on your personality and theirs, your home life and so many other things.

So I guess the best thing is to appreciate anytime you share a lovely time wether it’s only for hour or a day.

I loved it when my Dd started developing her own sense of humour.

There’s a reason you always feel a rush of love when your toddler is asleep.

Primary school age. 😁

My 8yo has become a bookworm who is deeply interested in the world and is a delight as a companion. My 5yo can still be... trying on his own, but the two of them together now entertain each other very well. Also I can take them to soft play or the park and they literally disappear for hours at a time, only coming back when they want snacks. I get quite a bit of the way through books that way these days.

I think it also depends on the child and the activity.

Yes primary school years mostly. Ds was still a handful at 4 (and 7) Dd was still pretty lovely at 12. Teenagers are generally fine as long as it involves food . Having said that we had some great walks with DS at 13. Age 15 was challenging for both, was also in the pandemic so even more difficult.