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Original poster

Child maintenance if 50:50 custody

47 replies

RoseWrites · 11/10/2023 12:59

I'm looking for some solid mumsnet advice, please :)

My husband has children from a previous marriage. The agreement during the divorce 10 ish years ago was for 50:50 custody (verbally agreed, no court involved). However, over the years, one of the children has wanted to spend more time at her mums. This has led to years of DH trying to cajole, convince, and entice her to spend more time at our house, which sometimes works, but often does not. When it was particularly hard, we suggested mediation or child therapy to which BM said "only mental people see a therapist", which put an end to that.

So over the years, we - me and DH and all the children - are used to DD coming some times, leaving when she wants, etc. It hasn't been perfect, but when she comes she's happy, so it feels like an imperfect compromise.

However, BM is now saying we owe her a backdated 5+ years of child maintenance. I'm all for mothers being well supported (I grew up in a single mum household), but I'm unsure if we/DH owe her when we have always wanted DD here 50% of the time like the other children?

I was wondering whether we revisit the mediation/therapy route to revive the 50:50 custory agreement? Or if there is something else we can do?

Thank you in advance for any help or advice :)

OP posts:
Sweetladyjane · 11/10/2023 13:01

I'm not sure if it should be backdated but how are costs split now? I have a 50/50 arrangement with my ex and we split all costs for the children (phones, uniform, clothes, lunch money, tutors etc) down the middle. I typically pay for everything and then he pays me back.

BoohooWoohoo · 11/10/2023 13:02

You owe CM but she is unreasonable to try and 5 years worth now.

How old are the children. If they are over 11/12 then a Child Arrangement Order will be pointless as children that age are legally allowed to choose how much time they spend at each parent's home.

arethereanyleftatall · 11/10/2023 13:03

Well the mother was paying 100% for the food and general upkeep of his dd for all that time. So I'm a bit surprised he hadn't offered the mother any money the whole time.

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BoohooWoohoo · 11/10/2023 13:04

The fact that dad wants her 50% of the time but she won't come doesn't mean that you don't owe CM. All crappy NRP would try that tactic to get out of paying.

Mylovelygreendress · 11/10/2023 13:06

I really dislike the way some posters refer to mothers as BMs . Can you not just say her DM ?

Viviennemary · 11/10/2023 13:08

I think that just isn't on. If the ex wanted maintenance she should have asked and not let it go on for five years without a formal agreement. I would tell her to get lost. If the girl wont come that's her choice. They should have asked for a revision of the custody arrangements.

Deathbyfluffy · 11/10/2023 13:08

arethereanyleftatall · 11/10/2023 13:03

Well the mother was paying 100% for the food and general upkeep of his dd for all that time. So I'm a bit surprised he hadn't offered the mother any money the whole time.

How on earth did you work that out? The post clearly says she still came over, just not 50% of the time - so it's not going to be like she ate / drank nothing while she was there.

piglet81 · 11/10/2023 13:29

Mylovelygreendress · 11/10/2023 13:06

I really dislike the way some posters refer to mothers as BMs . Can you not just say her DM ?

Totally agree. Surely ‘birth mother’ is only for situations like adoption where a mother has relinquished her child.

Original poster
RoseWrites · 11/10/2023 13:39

Thank you for correcting my Mumsnet net lingo @Mylovelygreendress @piglet81 I should have said DM. Still grappling with the acronyms :)

OP posts:
Original poster
RoseWrites · 11/10/2023 13:39

BoohooWoohoo · 11/10/2023 13:02

You owe CM but she is unreasonable to try and 5 years worth now.

How old are the children. If they are over 11/12 then a Child Arrangement Order will be pointless as children that age are legally allowed to choose how much time they spend at each parent's home.

That's interesting - she's older, so I guess that sort of arrangement wouldn't work now...

OP posts:
Original poster
RoseWrites · 11/10/2023 13:45

Thanks for everyones comments :)
In terms of the questions about contributing/splitting, DH pays half of all school uniform, school trips, etc, and pays for all her phone. and gives her an allowance each month. Clothes come out of child benefit, but extras i.e prom clothes, get split 50:50. So, the main cost to BM is day to day food, energy costs (i.e. showers) when she's not here.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 11/10/2023 13:45

How often is she with you, how are costs split and yes I think if that is what she wants the courts will support so yes now I think you do owe maintenance- the fact is she isn’t there and doesn’t want to be 50/50

Heatwavenotify · 11/10/2023 13:45

Is there any reason why child maintenance hasn’t been paid for the last 5 years? Surely the NRP should have been paying that as standard without it getting to the point of having to ask for it 5 years later. It must have been obvious she wasn’t there 50% of the time therefore maintenance was due.

arethereanyleftatall · 11/10/2023 14:01

@Deathbyfluffy
I've got no idea as the op didn't say how much. And neither have you. All we do know is that it wasn't 50%. So, for how ever many years it's been going on, the DM has been paying more of the upkeep of the joint child. Sonewhere higher than 50% and up to 100%. It doesn't matter if the op 'wanted' to have the dd, she didn't, and it was the mother who was buying her food. My ten dd eats about £10 per day of food. It's quite a lot to not share out.

Pretendthatwearedead · 11/10/2023 14:02

He can't just not pay for his DD or not contribute to her upkeep. Surely he wants to. Does he feel she is not his responsibility because she doesn't want to come to his house? He just doesn't give her anything? His daughter?

Original poster
RoseWrites · 11/10/2023 14:07

Maintenance hasn't been paid because it wasn't a hard "no contact" 5 years ago. Instead, every week there has been a discussion (i.e. lots of calls, messages, etc) to DD about DD coming and the hope that she will - I mean, sometimes she does come. Other times she doesn't because she decides she doesn't want to, her mum might have made plans to take her away for a weekend/to do something with her like go to a show, her mum might want her to babysit the other children, etc. It hasn't been 5 years of zero staying at our house, but nor has it been consistent.

OP posts:
Crunchingleaf · 11/10/2023 14:09

Yes he should be paying child maintenance towards the upkeep of his daughter. It the divorce was over 10 years ago then I am guessing child is now old enough to have their views taken into consideration if your husband goes to court. If child won’t go now then a court order isn’t going to make a difference.

Crossinsomekindaline · 11/10/2023 14:11

I wouldn't worry about it. Unless there is a court order in place for maintenance he is not obligated to pay any backdated money.

If the 50/50 agreement has broken down permanently, then he needs to go on the cms calculator and work out the payments for that one child based on the current overnights. Make sure he makes adjustments for any other children resident in your home as this will reduce the payment somewhat.

Then start making the payment requiredas of today. I suggest a standing order as that takes the stress out of it a little.

TeaKitten · 11/10/2023 14:12

He should have been paying child maintenance and should start immediately. It doesn’t matter that he’s willing to have her 50/50, that clearly isn’t what’s best for his child and the maintenance should support the costs of raising her.

Original poster
RoseWrites · 11/10/2023 14:14

Crossinsomekindaline · 11/10/2023 14:11

I wouldn't worry about it. Unless there is a court order in place for maintenance he is not obligated to pay any backdated money.

If the 50/50 agreement has broken down permanently, then he needs to go on the cms calculator and work out the payments for that one child based on the current overnights. Make sure he makes adjustments for any other children resident in your home as this will reduce the payment somewhat.

Then start making the payment requiredas of today. I suggest a standing order as that takes the stress out of it a little.

This is really useful, thank you. we will check out the calculator now :)

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 11/10/2023 14:15

I agree with other posters, you do owe maintenance going forward but I’m not sure how she could come for you for backdated maintenance.

Although I would say I’m surprised you/your partner never offered to contribute to her mum over the last 5 years when you have known you were not having her for the agreed 50% of the time. It’s irrelevant that the child could have come to you but didn’t want to come, her mum still had to pay for her food for all of that time, her hot water for baths/showers, she was watching her tv there, charging her phone/devices etc there. That doesn’t suddenly become free to her when you say “she could have been with us”, her mum still had to pay it. So although I don’t know legally if she could demand backdated child maintenance, it would be the right thing to do really to provide her with at least some money to compensate for this. As I said, I’m surprised neither of you have offered before now when you weren’t seeing her 50% of the time.

Original poster
RoseWrites · 11/10/2023 14:20

To add, DH wants to support his DD. DH has paid 50% of everything i.e. clothes, school trips, and 100% pays for her phone and bills, gives her an allowance, etc. DH has given the DM each month to cover things like food, energy, etc. DM now says she wants more. Maybe a v. formal /child maintenance arrangement is the way to go now.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 11/10/2023 14:24

RoseWrites · 11/10/2023 14:20

To add, DH wants to support his DD. DH has paid 50% of everything i.e. clothes, school trips, and 100% pays for her phone and bills, gives her an allowance, etc. DH has given the DM each month to cover things like food, energy, etc. DM now says she wants more. Maybe a v. formal /child maintenance arrangement is the way to go now.

Edited

So he has been sending her an amount each month to cover the fact that she has her daughter closer to 100% of the time?

TeaKitten · 11/10/2023 14:25

So he already pays maintenance then? This isn’t what you said in your OP.

WhamBamThankU · 11/10/2023 14:26

You wanting her there 50/50 is irrelevant if that isn't what's been happening.

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