My house is utterly chaotic and I don’t know where to begin

[PlusOneTwoThree]

I feel so so overwhelmed atm

It’s worth mentioning here that DHs Mum had had a medical issue recently so he isn’t really around atm, going straight from work to be with her, dealing with ongoing battles with benefits etc on his lunch hour and any other time he has in between, there’s a lot going on there - now not all issues are only because I’m alone they’ve been going on beforehand but just because I think people will respond that I might need DH to help, just to clarify I don’t have that atm

We have 4 DC and I am drowning tbh

They argue constantly particularly the older 2 who are 14 & 12 - constant arguing and screeching at each other, calling each other horrible names etc. Relentless!

The 7 year old has adhd and is such hard work! Much much much more screaming and screeching here.

Then the 5 year old copies the 7 year old and whines and cries constantly, and is currently on some kind of hunger strike atm, just refusing all food, then more screeching and screaming with hunger!

The older 3 swear at each other
I can’t keep on top of homework/reading etc, the 14 year old won’t get his arse out of bed to go to school on time, they all have way too much screen time (particularly the 7 year old) all eat way too much shots because I’m just too exhausted to care, oh and we don’t sleep either!

I cry multiple times a day, and literally dread pulling up in the drive at the end of the day, my heart literally sinks of the thought of being in the house

Where do I even begin?!

Shite not shots 🤦🏻‍♀️

Early help. https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/safeguarding-child-protection/early-help-and-early-intervention

14 and 12? Old enough to do chores, prepare dinner etc

You would think wouldn’t you @coxesorangepippin but they had a huge row tonight over who was washing and who was drying and neither would back down, I couldn’t take any more noise so I just gave up!
It’s the screaming and shouting, I just can not take any more screaming it’s ridiculous!!

For what its worth I was one of 4 and our house was similarly chaotic, we are all well adjusted adults with good jobs etc now (none of us have 4 kids though!). That doesnt make it any easier for you! It’s a lot to deal with the needs of teenagers & younger ones too! I can’t really advise as my two are younger but your post struck a chord. My only ideas are- is there anything you do enjoy all together, you included? Like a walk outside or cafe after school or board games? Can you do more of that to build up a positive feeling? Can you spend some time with each of them alone, eg one a day 20 mins at the end of the day? Can DH take one point of conflict off you, eg getting the 14yr old up? Would you consider/ could you afford a parenting coach to help you overhaul things?

I’m one of 4 and our house was always a bit on the edge of chaos as well and we’ve all grown up fine, in fact we’re all fiercely independent and capable adults who can cook, clean and never scream

It might help to call a family meeting. Everyone round the table, calm but firm voice from you and nobody is allowed to speak until a) you have finished and b) it’s their turn (wooden spoon helps)

You can say there’s a lot going on with Granny and you need everyone to work as a team to support each other. You draw up 5 absolute non negotiables but it will probably help if you ask the kids to come up with ideas for this. I’d say no screaming/respectful behaviour is key. Decide on an instant sanction if any of your rules are broken and just do it there and then. Don’t even discuss it just go straight to consequence for the older ones. Younger 2 get one warning. The consequence should be tailored to the child.

Put some positive rewards in place, something like a token jar and you can add or take away. Full jar they get to choose a treat. Your teenagers will whine about it being for babies but I’d bet they’ll not be complaining when you’re wafting a nice treat at them.

Everyone has 1 or 2 daily jobs they just crack on with. Your younger two can load/empty dishwasher, big ones can do a dinner once a week and other bits daily. You got this. Nobody feels good when everything is out of control

Get tough with the 14 and 12 year olds for a start. Screaming and kicking off? Wi-Fi off, phones removed. Be calm but firm. Teens need to understand consequences. They can behave when it matters to them, ime.

tiny tiny idea but d you know putting everyone a socks in a drawer in the living room has stopped me chasing the bloody things round the house.. can you declutter a bit? Have you enough storage? Those ikea shoe storage thingys help.. hope it all calms down soon.. can you pay for a bit of help? Even 1 day to sort house/ declutter ?