Why does my daughter hate me so much?

[Sharletonz]

I have DD5, I split from her dad when she was one years old. Domestic abuse that caused us to flee. I set up life in a new county with DD and then court proceedings began. At this current moment in time she only sees her father supervised.

I feel so sad and lost at the moment. She lashes out at me horrendously most days. She punches, kicks, scratches and bites me. She tells me she hates me ALL the time. She calls me fat and boring. Tells me i am boring mummy and that "daddy does fun things" This morning she had a furious melt down before school and ripped up a beautiful drawing she made for me. She sobbed and sobbed after and just wanted me to hold her, which I did.

This evening after she's behaved perfectly at school she is utterly horrid to me. Refuses to listen to me, throws her dinner on the floor.. again, tells me she hates me with such vitriol.

That was it after a whole weekend of this behaviour with me, I sat down and through tears I said to her I feel like she's so deeply unhappy living with me and if she doesn't tell me what she's feeling or why I can't help her.. I'm trying my best to help her. I broke down and said if she's so unhappy with being with me then to please tell me and I'll do my utmost to change that to make sure shes happy. She then became panicked that I was leaving her and clung onto me and sobbed and said she loves mummy and doesn't want to go anywhere without me. She tells me she's my shadow and wants to live in my pocket.

I feel like nothing I do makes her happy.. I've done everything I could to protect her because she comes first in my life but I feel so dejected and like I'm running out of steam. I'm opposing unsupervised contact with her Father as he's violent and has been physically violent to her. I also believe he would poison her against me by the things he says to her during supervised contact but the thought of contact progressing whilst she's like this makes me feels terrified for our relationship in the future.

What do I do? Social services won't help. Camhs won't help as she's too young. There's no middle service that helps with these kind of things.

DD is perfectly behaved at school. Perfect during contact, yet lashes out at me.. I love her so much but i feel so helpless.

My friends say I'm looking at it wrong in that she feels safe to push the boundaries with me and not with school or her father, but doesn't make this any easier.

Can you access play therapy for her? Privately if you can?

She is 5. Probably just started school which is a massive shock. Not unusual to be as good as gold at school and behave appallingly at home.
Are there any other adults in her life apart from you and her father?

She went from nursery 5 days a week full time to school and has settled into school well and quickly. She already has a little circle of friends.
We went out a few weeks back with her nursery bestie and her mum and again she behaved appalling after such a lovely day. She said she hated me in front of them too and that she had had the worst day ever.
She has other adults, my brother, her grandad, my circle of friends.

She doesn't hate you at all. She clearly very much loves and needs you. YOU are the stable and safe person in her life. She is testing that boundary perhaps because she is unsettled by school, perhaps unsettled by contact with dad. But she knows she is safe with you and that's why she can say and do those things knowing you will 'hold her'

I know that makes it no easier to live through, but don't doubt that you are her world and her love and safe place.

As for what you do do, someone else talked about play therapy or family therapy and maybe that's useful - providing her a space to talk about feeling angry or unsure or unhappy.

From what she's saying though ('fat and boring') I did read this and wonder whether some of these ideas and words are being given to her by her father. You say contact is supervised but it doesn't mean he isn't saying stuff to her about you. Horribly unpleasant I know but he sounds like a deeply unpleasant individual.

I'm sorry social workers haven't been helpful. Another useful avenue though might be to talk to your local Domestic violence charity (might be run by Women's Aid) - they will be able to offer support and guidance around contact in such situations. Do you know if your daughter does actually want to see her father? It may be this is causing distress (and I do appreciate you have absolutely worked hard to do the very best by her).

Thank you xx
I think she's too young to express her actual views about him or seeing him.
She enjoys seeing him at the contact centre but when I broach the subject of possibly seeing him outside the centre or at his home She becomes very panicky

She loves you. She’s scared that you will not be present like her dad. And she doesn’t understand her feelings or what is going on. Just patience and love I would say. Reassurance that you are going nowhere no matter what. See how she settles into school over the next wee while.

Some domestic abuse services offer a therapeutic programme called Mum and Me. There's a high uptake in my area and it seems to be very useful.

You need other support too, this will take a massive till on you and your strength is vital for this period and the coming years which are often filled with unforseen issues. Take care 🌷

Thank you x

She’s been through a lot and is hitting out on you. Been through this and mine was the same.
The school can help with support.

You sound like a loving and considerate mum, which is exactly what your daughter needs of course.

Look up local services for victims of domestic abuse. There are several local to me that work with kids, maybe the same for you. And did you ever access Early Help? In my city that’s the service that sees kids with these problems that don’t meet the threshold either for social care or CAMHS.

Clearly she loves you and doesn’t hate you. She says it because it’s the worst thing she knows to say, and she is trying to blow off steam and get out her anger. She is 5, exhausted by being perfect at school, and comes to you to let it all out because she trusts you to handle her when she can’t handle herself.

I think there are lots of little things that might help, I’ll put a list below of random ideas, either for you or for you both.

Colour monster
Zones of regulation
Visual timetables
Snacks straight after school
Pausing evening activities, minimising evening demands

I wonder how you behave when she does this? Have you tried answering her with love? “I hate you” “I hear that you hate me, but I love you, and I always will”. That sort of thing sometimes worked to help my little girl cool down.

Also try reassuring her that this situation is not her fault. That you love her no matter what she says or does. That you will never leave her. Etc. Validate and acknowledge her feelings.
She needs reassurance, unconditional love and for you to be her rock.

Children who have experienced DV, even when they are too young to consciously remember it, are affected.

Play therapy would help her - somewhere like this for example

dvip.org/supporting-parents/therapy-for-children/

One of the things that happens with children who experience DV even as a witness is that they internalise a sense of wrongness about themselves. She is also probably both scared of her dad and scared that the reason that he is this way is her fault.

The single most important thing you can do for her is be in her life. Take breaks in the garden, talk to her about hitting pillows etc, hold a pillow for her to hit, do whatever you need to do.

Your DD doesn’t hate you, you are her safe person and although it’s challenging her feelings (trauma experiences) have to be expressed somewhere.

Could she also be ‘masking’ at school this can happen with neurodiversity (if that’s a factor), which leads to these types of ‘melt downs’ at bone?

Get support for yourself with counselling if you can. Your friends are right, your perspective on the situation with DD needs to shift as you are making it about you when it isn’t and led to her feeling unsafe and panicking you might abandon her.

To a certain extent she would have picked up that behaviour from somewhere, influenced by her dad perhaps?

she’s 5 but don’t underestimate the trauma of her life to date - not only was she in a toxic home environment but she’s been uprooted to a different country, started school etc. she seems overwhelmed and unsure how to healthily process her emotions

the way to stop trauma from impacting you significantly is getting the right intervention and the right time, she can get through this but you’ll need professional support imo

Oh @Sharletonz I‘ve been exactly here and it’s so hard and I want to reach out and hold you.

She is expressing her insecurity and anger and fear in the only way she can and you are the only person she can trust enough to hear it. You are her safe place. It’s so hard and exhausting and miserable for you but this too shall pass and when she realises that no matter how angry she is, how furious and in pain she is, when she knows for certain that no matter what buttons she presses you will reach out and hold her and stroke her hair then this too shall stop. She needs you to prove that you won’t hurt her. That you won’t leave her. That you will always protect her. And you do because you love her. You are a wonderful mum. It took my son until he was around 9-10 before his storm broke. But now he is grown and although things can be hard for him sometimes, between us all things are good.

I‘m sorry you are going through this. I wish I had wise words but I just want to say you are doing great. You are strong and this will end .

OP you are not alone. It's not an uncommon scenario. She doesn't hate you, but she is hurting and you are a safe person to take it out on.

There have been some fantastic resources shared. Please look into them.

Also this absolutely amazing podcast may help:

https://podcast.filia.org.uk/1983918/11323338-183-coercive-control-in-children-s-and-mothers-lives-with-emma-katz

Hi, your daughter needs a parent not a friend! Your partner didn.t want a a child, so you should stop the chess board..not sure how old she is, but she needs to respect you your her protection explain to social the chess board stops, your daughter is confused what is real what is safe..it is hard in a child's mind what she understands of this see dad this day.be with mum this day...she needs scheduling we all do. She needs to learn life.be happy..learn to draw paint swim play...friends...she doesn't understand stress her brain is not that deleveloped as yet...so home is comfort and rules..we all need them, perhaps set days, for food shop, clean house..togeather Fridays, walks .. it is hard..but who pays for the damaged door?? Who pays to put you back togeather ?? We need school to strengthen our minds she's here though love...just that daddy's love was short he wasn't.t grown up enough to be a daddy.