Fairest way to approach chores and different age children

[waftingaround]

Just wondering which approach (es) are fair in terms of chores and children with a reasonably wide age range?

DS 17/DD13/DD10

a)More chores and more pocket money as they get older?

b) Same chores for all but more pocket money as they get older?

c) Same chores for all and same pocket money?

I think no 1 but they have to use their money for more things as they get older.

Meant to add.- happy to have other suggestions too!

And a) currently causing tantrums from Ds17 who says it's "not fair" that the others do less than him.

(sorry, realised that was a bit of a hopeless drip feed!)

We have proposed switching to c) instead and the younger ones are happy to do more chores but it has gone down like a lead balloon with DS

A.

Your DS is just kicking against being the oldest or what he is being asked to do? All you can do is explain the others will go through the same process.

Are they the only options? To me, the only requirement to get pocket money is "don't be a twat". I don't tie them to chores. I would be tempted to stop paying out pocket money if I was being disrespected by an older teen, or I knew they were using the money to fund drugs. But otherwise, pocket money is payable.

I increase by age. Chores also change by age.
Pre School Age - help tidy your toys. Help tidy your room. Help scrape your plate.
Primary Age - make your bed, Laundry into hampers, clean laundry away, room tidied (bins and clutter, I do beds vacuum etc), clear plates at meals, help with ad hoc chores mum and dad are doing
Secondary Age - all the above, plus strip bed and do fresh sheets, cook lunches and light dinners as suits, help with vacuuming as requested, help with meal planning and food shop, chuck laundry in as requested, get self to and from school and other places on time.

The chores are very basic as we have a cleaner (walk dog /lay table type things), he just has to do a couple more each week.

He wants the privileges of being an older teen (being allowed out till later, later bed time. etc ) but doesn't think it's fair he has any more responsibility than the youngest.

I took this approach when they were younger. But DS just refused to ever help so we felt tying it to pocket money would incentivise. The younger two would just do chores anyway (and often do extra ones anyway)

If you don't link chores to pocket money what would you do if they just refuse to do their chores

I just don’t believe you should get money for chores. Chores are things you do as you live in a household that need to be done, everyone is part of the system, everyone has something they can do and should do.

17 - definitely cooking dinner once a week for everyone ( lifeskill for uni/ moving out)

I don't disagree. That was my original approach.

But if you have a child refusing to do them, refusing to do more because they are older...?

I think you have to get through to them that independent living is coming soon and these skills need to be acquired and no one will pay them once in their “mtv crib” (because they won’t be in a flat share). Also point out the parents are older than the kids and do the most.

Can you tell him to stop being such a pillock?

He's almost an adult of course he's doing different things to his 10 year old sibling. I'd agree to him doing the same chores as the ten year old as long as he has exactly the same freedoms (same pocket money, same bedtime, same rules etc).

With chores I would have basic ones (different for different ages) that don't come with a price attached. These are the 'looking after yourself' ones like laundry/tidying and cleaning own bedroom/tidying up after yourself/helping with dinner etc.

And extra ones that they can earn money for. This would be things like walking the dog, cleaning the car, cleaning up communal areas/other people's areas, doing extra cooking, older ones doing childcare for younger ones etc.

I'd also give them an allowance (different for different ages), but would expect them to have to cover different things. I would give the 17 year old a good chunk but he would be responsible for phone, social life, clothes etc. I wouldn't link this directly to chores, but would make it clear that it's the deal for living as part of the family.

I think that's what this thread is for @NuffSaidSam , giving me the confidence that I'm not being as unreasonable as he claims so I can put my foot down! (Or I would have accepted being told I was unreasonable tbh , he's so sure I'm unfair it's left me confused)

If you don't link chores to pocket money what would you do if they just refuse to do their chores

As you can see from my list, lots of My dc chores are stuff that benefit them. Don't put your dirty clothes in the hamper? No clean clothes. Don't put sheets on your bed? Sleep on the mattress. Don't clear up after yourself at mealtime? I'll not cook for you.

Thanks @SecondUsername4me yes I quite like the natural consequences approach. It wouldn't work for all chores though, eg dog walking. I have a disability (developed since we got the dog!) And so if DH is not around this is one of the chores, just a short walk but obviously it impacts the dog not the child if it does happen.

What is this MN obsession with chores? Give your children whatever you think is appropriate for pocket money and ask them to help out as hoc when you need it.

@onlyoneoftheregimentinstep that approach would fine with the younger two, but DS would just say no. So we definitely need a more planned approach.

Oooooo oldest being a brat. Don’t punish the younger ones.

oldest is about to be independent. They should be contributing more. And if they want to be treated like an adult with adult bedtime then they need to act like one. There are b a lot of privileges with being an older teen that could be tired to chores.

you want to be treated like an 11 yo. Fine, be home by 9 and ride your bike, here is a flip phone.

we do kinds time based full house cleaning on the weekend. Ie we all clean for three hours. Roughly. If someone is slacking no one picks up their chores. Weekly I’d probably have the youngest responsible of one dinner, middle two, and oldest three. (Or lunches or breakfast on the weekends whatever)

youngest should be working on basic skills. Oldest can be brought into budgeting and batch cooking and such. You’re sending them out into the world soon, so really nothing is off limits.

anyway. Good luck. Sounds like you just have a whiny teen you have to turn into a good man on your hands. Him and his future partner will thank you for alllll the additional effort.