12YO chatting to boy who she met in park on Snapchat

[CoffeeeLove]

My daughter (just turned 12 YO) went to the skate park at the weekend accompanied by DH, who watched from the sidelines. While she was there, she started chatting to a boy (11 YO) who she'd never met before. They added each other on Snapchat and they called each other that evening....

I have to admit, it's making me feel a bit.... I don't know what! We only gave her a smart phone over the summer hols, and she's loved being able to keep in touch easily with her friends. Since starting high school in September, she's met lots of new friends who she now chats to online.

Generally speaking, she's quite a sensible girl (who is v sociable), but it feels like she's entered a whole new era....

Are you happy for your 12 YO to chat to boys online who they met in a park??

What ground rules do you have over this kind of thing?

In the olden days they'd have just arranged to meet at the park again. Why is DH accompanying a 12yo to the park?

Well my 12 year old doesn’t have Snapchat for a start….I’m sure there will be plenty of people along to say their 7 year old has Snapchat and has no problems at all, but Snapchat is a hard no.

To be honest thought it is one of those situations that accidentally happen and leave you going “oh heck what was the right thing to do?” so I have some sympathy. I’d be okay with mobile numbers for SMS, but then I check my kids’ phones unashamedly.

What's the objection to SnapChat, it's just a messaging platform? Not so different to text?

@Softnatural You need to drive to the skate park, it's not walking distance. Also, she's only just started high school this year so she's only just started going places herself (other than local shops etc).

The messages automatically delete. I do random spot checks on DD12's WhatsApp, she's not having Snapchat.

@Softnatural it's not the same as text. The messages are automatically deleted which means there's more scope for bullying. Plus there is a worrying location function.
My 13yo has been asking for it for ages and I still haven't given in.

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/online-safety/online-safety-blog/is-snapchat-safe-for-my-child/

If you let them use it you need to monitor it and check who they’re talking to. Unlike texting, there’s no way to see what’s in the messages being sent which means parents can’t monitor what’s being sent to their child.

In this case, you know who your DD is talking to. You know they really are an 11 year old. If it were my 12 year old I’d be happier if I could run an eye over the messages if I needed to but otherwise I don’t see a problem.

I have the family centre thing on Snapchat.

Platform aside... I guess my post is more about when are you happy for your daughter to swap online contact info with boys they don't know? What are your 'rules' about this (if you have them).

I feel we are in a transition period of parenting. I knew all her friends and their families (pretty much) during primary, and we've entered a new era of friendships.

DH has seen him, so he knows he's a boy about her age, nothing sinister.

How is it any different to her adding a kid from school?

i think once they go to Senior School you have to trust you've done a good job so far of making them aware of the dangers & that 'Lucy' might be a hairy handed old man (ie anyone over 20 😂😂) wanting to 'meet up & they might abuse them/lock them in etc.

stress that photos don't mean that's them etc

I saw an online safety presentation recently that made a lot of sense to me.

They basically said by this age you can't "ban" anything, the kids are one step ahead of you. They had examples of very young children in homes where the WiFi is switched off at night , either having persuaded the neighbours to give them their passwords or borrowing parents phones to play a game, but setting up the hot spot while they were at it.

The only way to keep them safe is to know that they will come to you if something makes them uncomfortable and if that something is on a platform theyre not supposed to be using, you've vastly reduced the liklihood that they will.

Yep, new era!
Make sure you talk to her about boundaries, trust, ok to say no to anything and everything etc; I'm sure you've already had those conversations but it doesn't hurt to repeat them!
Keep open lines of communication and welcome to the world of not knowing everything your child is doing!

Isn't that just how kids make friends? Met a same aged peer at an activity they are both interested in and then continued to speak to him?
I'd probably be glad she first met him in person and it wasn't just some rando she met online with no proof of age or anything.
You can delete people off snapchat if you don't like them and its easy enough to be on ghost mode so she isn't sharing her location. I would probably ask her to do that if she is adding new people.

Presumably she goes to school? With boys? That you don’t know?

Hmmm I would be OK with WhatsApp I think, although I think the little blighters can set that to disappearing messages now anyway. It’s a funny age isn’t it? I mean it’s all likely to be v innocent and we won’t be able to stop them swapping numbers when they are 15 and it won’t be in any way innocent.

DD is a year older and we allow Snapchat only for real, proper friends (and with disappearing messages turned off, although they only stay for 24hours and snap map off, unless we are abroad and she wants to show of 😂)

Thanks for the replies, everyone. Some food for thought! I definitely want to have some boundaries in place and set some form of expectations around this kind of thing.

I’m sure there was nothing sinister going on with this boy - and I have no problem with her making friends with boys. But, it definitely made me aware that it’s going to happen much more - and so we need to have a conversation with her about it. I feel school is a bit different as they’ll have friends in common, generally from our area.

Over the past few months, she's gone from primary/no smart phone to high school/starting her period/having a much wider online life.... it's a lot! I mean that as a mum, never mind her 😂

Thanks again, all.

I do think with teenagers/preteens it is about educating them on the risks, how to deal with issues, what is and isn't acceptable, etc and then having open conversations so they know they can speak to you if there are problems.