Granddaughter not coping

[Nancicat]

I’m asking if anyone has any advice regarding my 31/2 year old granddaughter. My son and wife are getting divorced, my DIL works from home, my son has a business and medical pension that allows him to spend a lot of time with his daughter. He’s hoping for main residence with him, he wanted them to co parent equally but my DIL uses his access to his daughter to control things.
at present my granddaughter sleeps over with him 3 times a week, he has her every day for most of the day. I have to say he’s a great parent, puts his daughter first. The problem comes when she knows she’s going back to her Mother’s house, she cries and becomes very distressed, saying she wants to stay with her father. It’s upsetting for everyone. I’ve seen her hang onto him, practically begging him not to go.
we’ve tried saying her mother loves her, is going to have fun at home, however it just doesn’t seem to work. We’ve tried speaking to Mum, but she just says that baby is tired. It gives no one satisfaction to hear my granddaughter want her Dad rather than her Mum, he’s tried to talk to her to sort it out but she’ll only communicate via text, even in the same room. He moved out as she physically attacked him and was abusive in front of his daughter. He still pays the mortgage and his rent, buys all his daughters clothes etc.
I’ve always said myDIL was emotionally detached and I’m afraid it’s spilling over and my granddaughter is upset most days.
He’s paying for mediation to try and get it sorted, he doesn’t hold out much hope as she denies there’s a problem. I’ve offered to help, but the same thing, she denies.
we all just want what’s best for our granddaughter, it’s heartbreaking to see and it can’t be nice for her mother either,
Any advice? Similar experience

Where is the baby in all this? Is it this baby? We’ve tried speaking to Mum, but she just says that baby is tired.

What do you mean he is paying for medication? Where from? How is he paying for medication for someone who doesn’t think they need any of it?

"He’s paying for mediation to try and get it sorted, " Did you mean mediation rather than medication? That might make more sense in context. Sorry your son is going through this, it sounds hard.

Mediation not medication.

I’m sorry that you’re going through this - it sounds hard.

It is really common for young children to have difficulty returning to the resident parents house. In and of itself this isn’t a sign that there is a problem with parenting (although obviously doesn’t mean that isn’t also present). It happens because of sadness from leaving the non resident parent, and upsetting emotions about the split.

As they get older the problem is often the other way round, but caused by the same problem.

Some things which your son and his ex could try:

• have a transition toy which goes between the houses with little one.
• have a picture of mum at dads and dad at mums ( in little ones room)
• ensue that both houses are balanced in terms of screen time, treat food, exciting days vs boring days, work days vs weekend etc.
• Try and negotiate for consistent rules across both houses, if the split is recent just keeping rules as they were will help.
• If mum is saying that it’s happening because little one is tired has dad really listened to that? Are bed times, nap times and chill time consistent across the houses? If not can he start doing what mum does?
• Have a system for what parents do when the child is missing the other parent (we used to draw them a picture)
• try and make handovers quick and breezy. Dad carries child to door, knocks on door, says love you, hands over and goes straight away (any messages texted afterwards)
• if the child is really upset then see if handover can change to be at nursery or a club (eg one parent drops the other picks up)
• when she’s upset he could try saying “don’t worry I’ll see you on Friday “ rather than reassuring about her mum.

good luck- it’s not easy is it!

Ahh. Sorry, that makes more sense!

Mediation isn’t recommended where there’s been domestic abuse in a relationship and there has here. Hopefully he’s getting good legal advice.

Sorry, yes I meant mediation, I was rushing, no glasses, poor eyesight. My son is paying for mediation as my DIL won’t go unless he pays. My daughter in law is a good Mum, I’ve offered my help, but she’s shutting us out. Everything was going fine, they’d agreed 50/50 co parenting, then solicitors got involved and it’s all gone from bad to worse.

Thank you so very much, you’ve given very useful advice and I’ll pass it on to my son, he adores his daughter, we all do and only want what’s best for her. I’m certain her Mum feels the same and it must be hard for her to hear and see her distressed when my son drops her off, he has her every day for 6 or so hours.

Unless my eyesight has deteriorated over night you did write mediation

She’s violent to her child’s father. No man would be called a good dad who did that. He should stop the mediation and carry on with the lawyer. Him paying the mortgage and his rent isn’t sustainable.