Absent parent in contact

[gingermoose]

Hi everyone,

I wondered what you would do in this situation.. my dc's dad has been back in contact after being absent for 6 years (out of choice but would never admit that). He was abusive towards me when we were together and the years he did see DC (at a contact centre and then we managed a few weeks in the community). He has sent an aggressive message making out he has been trying to get in contact for ages and demanding he sees DC. This isn't true as I haven't moved house or changed numbers for 10 years.

I spoke to DC who is now 11 about seeing him again and they have point blank said no way. They explained that it's due to them remembering feeling scared when younger, they feel no emotional attachment, and are not interested. They are scared and have asked me to call their school tomorrow as they are worried they he will be at the school gate, I don't think this will happen and have reassured - he has known their school the entire time. They don't want me to reply at all but I don't think it's going to be as easy as that!

What would you do? If this was a reasonable person I would reply and maybe suggest a letter but I know all I will get in reply to that is abuse.

I just want to add that if dc had said they wanted to I would've supported them and tried to facilitate it in the best way for dc.

I would ring the school & tell them, make sure dc is safe & feels supported & nothing else.

Let him go to court for contact but don't make anything easy for him at all. Would he actually bother?

Plus if this did go all the way to court dc could say that they didn't want to go as they are older. Please have dc's back here x

I would definitely speak to the school, and let them know the situation, as if by a small chance your ex does turn up at the school your child may need support from a teacher.
My child is slightly older than yours, but has refused to see their dad for a few months now. I support them completely in this decision, although it hasn't gone down well with dad.
To my mind, my child needs to know that at least one parent is supportive and has their back, and they have the right to put up their own boundaries as to what behaviour they find acceptable or not.
Let your ex take it to court, I can't imagine they will force your child to see their dad against their will, especially given their feelings and memories of dad.
Good luck

Tell the school and do not engage with him. At 11 her wishes should be listened to.

I'd just write back to the ex and say that given the time since he last saw DC, he needs to come up with a proposal for how to reintroduce contact as DC is older now. Explain this should start with some letter/messages and gradually build up.
If they don't like your suggestion, then maybe they can get in touch with a solicitor and get a court order.

If he doesn't pay CM you can mention that too!

Thanks everyone for your advice. I will definitely call school this morning. I am not sure if he would take me to court, but like you say dc is older enough now that surely their wishes would be taken into account. I would really hope they weren't put through that though.
Also regarding child maintenance, I've never had that. I did try cm service at the start but they were rubbish and I didn't want to deal with him directly.