DH is so grumpy and mean to DC

[Chocolateandcakes]

Just needing to vent- DH is quite a high strung person and ha suffered from depression and anxiety in the past. We have a DS 4 and DD 7 months. DH has gone through periods of being really grumpy and mean, often speaking rudely to DS or me, I end of confronting him, we fall out and then he say he'll change, he'll get help for his anxiety etc. He then changes for a short while and then things slip again and he gets grumpy and angry.
The biggest thing is him snapping at DS, he'll criticise him and if DS doesn't listen straight away he'll raise his voice. It's draining feeling caught in the middle and trying to calm him and mediate.
We've recently had another falling out when I was upstairs and heard him shouting at DS for apparently asking him the same question over again and not eating his breakfast. I just feel drained, 7 month old is breastfed and I feel he doesn't help that much with her. It's gotten to the point of rather have him out of the house most of the time as it's easier for me to have the two kids on my own. Both kids always prefer to go to me and part of me feels like separating would be better for DS as I worry about his confidence being around his grumpy dad. Should I gave DH another chance to try and change or is it pointless? Not sure how I could handle other aspects on my own- mortgage, insurance etc

He won’t change.
I had the same situation, I said I wanted to split because I couldn’t stand the way he yelled at DC but he wanted another chance so I stayed.
He promised to change.
Repeatedly.
I fell for it every time, he even briefly attended anger management sessions. They changed nothing. Before long DC started acting just like DH, impatient, quick to flare up and shout.
Learned behaviour.

‘give me the boy until he is seven, and I will show you the man’.

Is he depressed or anxious now? Does he need medication?

I’d send him on some parenting courses and buy him some parenting books to read. Also therapy, counselling to try and break issues down and change more deeply. explain that he’s failed to permanently change and so more support is needed. Personally I wouldn’t stay with someone who is awful to my kids or me

I would say he probably is depressed but is not addressing it, he was on medication previously. I love my DC to death but I really regret not ending things in the past as now I feel tied to him. No idea where to find parenting courses that will address his behaviour as he's not always yelling just being very moody and critical of DS.

I worry if I leave him it will have an ever bigger impact on DS when he is so young, there is a lot of good times and DH does try, like taking both kids out for periods of time etc. Think having a 7 month old who doesn't really like going to him isn't helping

I’ve just left my husband after years of this. He’s unlikely to change.

My children refuse to see their dad because he shouted in they’d faces and frightened them. They are on a waiting list for counselling but we are all happier than we have ever been. Don’t stay with an angry man who frightens your children.

Good luck.

He won't change and he will damage your children . They won't confide in him with any problems , they will be constantly walking on eggshells scared to set off one of his moods when they haven't even done anything wrong . Leave or ask him to leave before they remember too much of his grumpiness / anger .

Sounds like he knows he's being a bad parent but doesn't care enough to properly change, follow through with treatment. He's bullying your son and you sound like part of you knows and knows you need to leave him. You are all your son has to protect him.

I came on to say the exact same this as AprilMayBeJune he’s not changing, I can guarantee it. What you have right now is your life if you stay, you better get used to it because he won’t change. If you can financially provide for your children on your own you’re in a good position.

I have a friend I’ve known for years since her kids were primary age and all of them wall on eggshells around the husband/dad. He says he will change, but hasn’t yet and the kids are all grown up with kids of their own now. He’s still controlling the family with his behaviour, his woe is me mental health struggles (I’m sorry this sounds harsh, but he doesn’t make an effort to truly change, alter medication, attend counselling).

Thank you all for the responses, things have actually improved a lot, he's on anti anxiety medication, waiting for therapy and has read several parenting books. Our now 10 month old now loves going to him and he'll take both kids in the morning most days so I get a lie in. We've had good talks about how to parent our DS and build his confidence and his dad now takes him to Saturday morning football and out for lunch after and there have been no issues. I haven't heard him raise his voice for a long time and he's been honest that his parent's were very shouty and he wants to break the cycle. I know it's early days but I feel we were going through a very bad period with the baby when I first posted and I really hope things continue to improve