I’m sick of causing things to spiral - how do you deal with your child refusing to do things?

[RTGC]

Hi

I’m so fed up of the situations that escalate in our house. They always start with fairly minor bad behaviour from our son (6), I react, he escalates, I shout then he gets even more cross.

Taking tonight as an example:

Our son had agreed multiple times that he would have a shower and not a bath tonight, so he could watch the end of a film. As soon as he gets in the bathroom he changes his mind but it’s already too late to have a bath as the timings were based upon a shower (and I try to be consistent with what has been agreed, rather than being a pushover). He gets upset and starts shrieking, I try explaining, he lashes out and I shout at him. He is forced into the shower (but barely gets wet, never mind washed) and he is still cross with me after he gets out so won’t even read with me. I’m still cross an hour later and it’s ruined my night because I feel guilty for not handling it better.

How do you deal with low level refusal behaviours?

I would like to hear the responses to this and mine are 18 and 21

https://ddpnetwork.org/about-ddp/meant-pace/

You might try a different way of communicating with him?

It’s just being a parent, pick your battles, you don’t need to win every one. But yes, it can all spiral fairly regularly

Honestly? I wouldn't even bother about him changing his mind and the time changing for him watching the end of his film. Is there a reason it had to be a set time? If that couldn't change you could always say to him if you have a bath you won't have time to watch the film.

sounds like you handles it fine, he escalated it, but you did not back down - he will learn you are not going to be cowed by him kicking off, and will hold your ground- and will eventually come to the conclusion life is much easier if he accepts you mean what you say

Mum of four.

I'd be asking myself how important getting a bath or shower was tonight? I mean, no one will die if they go a week without a bath or shower, let alone one day late.

So I'd offer thr option of "shower now, then bed. Or bed now. Up to you"

So you decided they had to do something your way and seeing it was not done your way they are in the wrong?

Think I would say no bath so either shower or straight to bed and then make a mental note that next time ensure that what you want them to do eg have a shower is done before what they want ie watching a film.
Sometimes I give them a 10 min warning that I'm going to pause a film midway so they can do x,y,z and if they do it quickly without any fuss then they might be able to watch some more of it.

I don’t think it’s bad behaviour from the example really, he just didn’t want to have a shower. Kids need to have some semblance of control over their lives but it’s difficult to negotiate at that age as by the time it comes to the bath/shower the earlier negotiation is already forgotten. I would have said you can either have a shower now or a bath in the morning. Or more likely skipped the whole thing as 6yos don’t typically smell 🤣

if you don’t want it to escalate then don’t escalate it - it depends on whether the shower or the escalation is more important. Pick your battles - did the shower need to be one of them?

I struggle with this but sometimes I find waiting it out works for my 6 year old; it’s all made worse if I’m trying to speed something up. Another one is closed choices so do you want a shower for 3 minutes then a story for 10 or a shower for 5 minutes and a story for 5 minutes.
Last resort is a consequence that I follow through on and think carefully about before committing to. I am often bad at giving threats of consequences that I’ll never do so now I try to think beforehand

I think the point where it needed to be de-escalated was after he lashed out.

Instead of shouting and then physically forcing him into the shower, you could have said a firm NO (to the lashing out) and then walked away. Give him the option of a shower and then bed or just straight to bed. Get things back on track.

Then the next night when he asks to watch the end of a film, say no, and remind him (calmly and without judgment) of the events of the previous night. Find a compromise where he can maybe shower first and then watch the film. Approach it as a problem to be solved together. Ask him what he feels a good solution could be. Work together.

This very much feels like a pick your battles thing.

How much longer does it actually take to have a bath? Why is it an issue that even needs discussing and agreeing? If you only have 10 minutes then he has a short, shallow bath with no time to play. The end of objective is that his whole body gets washed, whether that's in water flowing from above, sitting in a shallow amount of it or standing by the sink with a flannel being rubbed over him, the objective is met.

I have non-negotiables where I'll tell DD "I'm not asking, I'm telling", things like brushing her teeth morning and night, being dressed and ready in time for school, taking her hayfever meds, putting her eczema cream on.....

Most other things I'm willing to give a little on.

If we have fun things planned and she's playing up and refusing to get dressed for example then I clearly explain that she needs to be dressed appropriately, with shoes on by [insert time] or we're not going. Appropriate means according to weather and location, not my tastes, so if she wants to wear something I don't like that's fine, as long as it's shorts on a snowy day or sandals to rock climbing.

‘He is forced into the shower ‘

Not sure what you mean by this but I wouldn’t worry too much about timing on a Saturday night and I would probably have just let him have a bath.

Raise an eyebrow and wait for him to calm down. When he is calm, suggest again that he go in the shower. Explain that you have all night. Wait. Ignore shouting, flailing, arguing. Keep
suggesting. It only takes a couple of hours the first few times.

I also do this with adults who decide they are going to push boundaries or order me around like a child. It works a treat.

Having two wonderfully compliant kids and then a total PDA style nightmare 3rd, I agree with working out what your end game is and make sure you set yourself up for success. With my older two it was very much ‘this is what we are doing and this is when’ but it just doesn’t work with my youngest.

my biggest successes are when he thinks he’s won so I actively work on providing situations where he ‘wins’ and then I lose happily and positively. This has two results. 1. I get what I actually want and 2. He learns that you can not get what you want and still be nice (this is the biggest lesson).

with baths,l or showers we have them very early or literally with 1 minute to go before dinner - anything to make it happen on the day I want it but how it happens I really don’t care. So I’d say if you need. Afresh pair of PJs because it’s before dinner and they get dirty then that’s better than soo g it after dinner with a fight.

tak e away the fight and engage with them in some at outside the boring argument of ‘this is it’

Place marking - often in a similar boat with my 5.5 year old - great tips on this thread!