Why is my DC so shy/nervous?

[User37652]

I don’t know how to explain it really but my DD5 is so shy/nervous/doesn’t really try or join in…
So for example, I’m sat here now watching her play a new sport and she is always the last one in the line to try any activities, she doesn’t put her hand up to try anything, they just played a small 5 aside game and she just stood in the middle of the pitch, not running towards the ball, she didn’t actually touch the ball at all during the game. All the other kids are running to try to catch the ball and joining in. It’s not just sports either, I’ve seen her in other classes and when she’s at school and there are times when she knows the answer but doesn’t put her hand up and times when she just lingers at the back.
I don’t understand it. I was a very confident kid and wanted to be the best at everything but it seems like she just doesn’t care, not just about sport but about anything. It does affect her as well because she gets upset when she’s eg not picked for a speaking part in the school play, even though her speech is as good as any other kids. When she last did a play, she was the only kid who knew all her lines and cues without any mistakes but she doesn’t get picked for the parts because she doesn’t put herself forward.
What do I do??

You build up her self esteem. Not in an overwhelming way, but by making small positive comments as you go about your day.

You could comment on her attitude, behaviour, kindness, but mostly on ways she tackles small challenges, could be something as small as putting on and fastening her shoes, zipping up her coat, reading a tricky word, trying out a new spelling. Make sure you notice and comment on her achievements so she sees herself as someone who succeeds.

But don’t push her to to join in with things if she is really reluctant, some people just aren’t joiner inners. You obviously had a different experience at school with your level of confidence, but she isn’t you, and you shouldn’t try to make her you.

It's her personality and there's nothing wrong with being shy

First of all, you accept her and recognize that there is nothing wrong with being more reticent.

it is also ok to recognize that the world can be cruel to those who are not loud, so you can slowly work on practicing social skills with her. You don’t have to make a big deal out of it, just provide her with models of behavior, like how to order in a restaurant, how to introduce yourself, how to ask someone for help. These are things that you may have picked up easily, but that she may need a bit more help learning the preferred social exchanges.

Ps with things like the football activity there is a lot you can do with her to develop small skills. Throwing , catching, and kicking are all skills that need to be learned , they don’t come naturally ( though come more easily to some) . Start with a largish ball, sit on the floor with legs open and roll the ball towards each other, increase the distance, you are developing hand eye co ordination, then do the same standing up, then progress to gentle throwing and catching. You can increase and develop skills by changing the size of the ball , using feet rather than hands, moving further apart etc.

how do you talk to her, are you saying how amazing and friendly and confident she is etc or are you telling her she's shy ?

It sounds like you are very extrovert and she is introvert and shy. I was like your DD. I was clever academically but did not want to speak up in front of everyone in class. I was no good at sports so did hold back. I don't think there's anything wrong with being like that, we are all different. You cannot expect your child to be the same as you.

I've been thinking about the same thing recently. When you describe your daughter, it sounds like you are describing me as a kid.

I'm not sure what the answer is but I know for a fact any kind of pointing out - you were a bit aloof there / why weren't you joining in / you are too quiet in class and should put your hand up more - will NOT make her more confident. All those things said to me repeatedly throughout childhood just resulted in me growing up feeling there was something fundamentally wrong with my personality.

I am certain I will not let the same happen to my son who I think is like me. Any kind of talk at parents evening of 'being quiet' is going to get shut down. I will do my best to model confident behaviour and focus on the parts of his personality / interests that makes him feel happy and special.

I don’t know, I think there’s something very attractive about non-competitive children. Neither of ours were and they’re delightful, empathetic adults.

What’s her dad like?

Thank you everyone. I understand it may just be her personality but also I don’t want her to miss out on opportunities because of it. I do try to encourage her, in fact I always thought I did it too much because I’m always telling her how brilliant she is at this or that. It comes across like she’s lazy and not making any effort which I don’t think is good even if she is introverted.
My sister was painfully shy growing up, to the extent that sometimes she wouldn’t even talk to me, and I don’t mean have a deep conversation with me she actually couldn’t say words to me because she was too shy to. And it has affected her life in so many ways, from friendships, definitely relationships, she didn’t get into the uni she wanted because she couldn’t do an interview, can’t speak up at work and job interviews. I just don’t want that for my daughter and I hope it’s not that extreme.
@Crimblecrumble1990 thank you, I’ll make sure not to bring it up with her. Before reading these replies I did have a word with her on the way home about why she hadn’t been joining in and she got upset so I won’t be doing that again.