Hi everyone,
This post may be a bit all over the place as my feelings are all over the place but just hoping to clear my thoughts.
I have two kids who are 3.5 years apart. I’ve had a total of 4 miscarriages over the past 7 years. My youngest is 2 now. I am struggling so much with my emotions. My emotions are exhausting me. I desperately wish we had started earlier, hadn’t had miscarriages, had a bunch of kids close in age. I feel so sad that we probably won’t have another baby. I feel really sad that my kids don’t have more siblings to grow up with. I am so conflicted about trying again for another as we are getting older and I have a lot of anxiety about being an older parent. I’m fact with my last two pregnancies I felt an almost horrible feeling of regret before they miscarried as I felt like I was too old. And then I felt devastation when I lost them. I feel we have run out of time. I expect we would have more miscarriages anyway. I feel a mix of it’s my fault (waited too long to start, to try in between pregnancies and miscarriages) and it’s not my fault (miscarriages). I still feel a lot of hurt/resentment about the miscarriages and they definitely make me feel inadequate and like there is something wrong with me. Most people I know have not gone through this. If the 3rd miscarriage had not been lost, I’d have a newborn right now. Perhaps I am struggling with that. It is hard when it is coming up to a year since getting pregnant with that one and not only do I not have a baby, I am not pregnant and I lost a further pregnancy after it.
Is there a way to move past all of this? To accept not having more kids? I should add that I never had any set ideal about how many kids I wanted. I thought I’d feel complete after my second was born but she made me want a third immediately. And in the past 2 years I have developed this “ideal” of how I wish things had turned out.
Mostly looking for some encouraging supportive words as I feel I have nowhere to turn (therapy options keep falling through). Thank you so much.