How can we help him?

[febbabies2023]

DS is 3 years old (was 3 in July) and goes to nursery for 3 full days.
In September he moved from one room to the next one.

For reference they have 3 rooms - the first room they come in at around 2, the second room which is for children who will start reception in 2025 and the room he's in where he will start school in September 2024. The room he's moved into doesn't have any of his friends in - they've all gone into the 'middle room' (I hope this makes sense)

Today we found out that he doesn't play with any of the other children in his room and hasn't made any friends in there 😭

He has been saying to us every day that he doesn't want to go to nursery, and he's been getting quite upset about it. We thought it was just because of the change of rooms.

He's a very sensitive boy anyway, hes very emotional and does need a lot of attention. But he's a very kind boy, he likes to help out and he will share etc. he's not nasty in any way to children, never has been.

Them telling us he basically has no friends has broken my heart and I've spent most of today crying thinking about how lonely he must feel and feeling awful about sending him when he's said he doesn't want to go 😭

How can we help him gain confidence? Or want to get involved etc? He's just so emotional and shy and I just don't know what I can do to help.

Pulling him out isn't an option as from January he goes full time as I return to work from Mat leave

I just hate to think how sad by baby feels

That must have been hard to hear and I understand why you’re upset. Perhaps you can ask the nursery to make an effort to involve him in things, little jobs etc and to get him involved in doing something with one or two other children, ie support him to make friends. It’ll probably sort itself out in time but perhaps they can speed it up.

Also, do you know any of the other parents, or can you get to know them at pick up etc? Maybe ask nursery if there is anyone he seems to connect with a bit, and invite the parent/s and child round or suggest meeting in the park. A lot of young children have friendships related to who their parents are friends with. Will he be likely going to the same school as other children in the nursery, if so it’s doubly worth building connections now, so he’ll have friends when he starts reception. Hope it gets better soon!

@Squirrelsonthescaffolding thank you, I just feel so sad thinking he could be playing by himself or feels lonely. He can also see the other children that he used to be with in another section of the garden and doesn't understand why he can't play with them :(

I know a couple of the parents but they're all of children in the younger classes. He gets invited to their birthdays etc which is lovely of course but doesn't help day to day.

I think they do try and encourage him and make sure that he's getting involved in group activities but he would just never do it of his own accord bless him. He loves to help out with the adults more than anything and helps tidy up after breakfast, sweeps etc

School wise we live in a village and there are about 6/7 schools to choose from which we're doing the viewing process for now. I'm hoping that the school we choose will have some from his nursery in and so far the school we like most it's highly likely he will.

I know it's one of those things and it's all part of growing up etc god I just feel sad for him

With a July birthday he was always going to be going to school before some of his friends who are a few months younger but Autumn birthdays. The different class from them has just happened a bit earlier at nursery. I know it’s hard but you absolutely can help him.

You asked how you could help him and I really think the best thing you can do is just arrange out of school stuff to build up his relationships. Just introduce yourself to the parents in the new group and get to know them. I’ve taught at primary schools including nursery and had children go through the school system. I’ve seen how parents can support friendships. You can model making new friends and support him in making friends, just give it a go! Just saying you know other parents but they’re all in the other class is a bit defeatist , and also you’re expecting him to make new friends in the year group he is in, so set the example! Sorry, this is a bit direct but you didn’t seem to notice when I suggested it the first time!

I think at that age they play along side each other and not really with each other. I wouldn’t worry!

Is it an option for him to move to the middle room? That's what I would want. Seems logical and he is clearly struggling.

It's poor of the nursery to just leave him unhappy, assuming they know he's unhappy Can they move a couple of friends to be with him while he gets used to it? Have they tried pairing him with another child for an activity? Just leaving him to play on his own sounds crap. If he's only just 3 it's completely normal for him to play along side and not be ready to "make friends", but if he's unhappy something needs to change.

You could decide now to defer him a year and ask nursery to put him down into the Sept 25 cohort.

@Squirrelsonthescaffolding we knew he would change rooms etc and that he would be the youngest in that section but we didn't think he'd take it this hard. I wasn't meaning to come across defeatist at all - in all honesty I rarely see the same parents on a regular basis and the ones that I do, we've already connected with and tried to arrange play dates etc. I myself am not very socially fluent let's call it so I do find it quite anxiety inducing to put myself out there too. I take on board what you've said though, and thank you for your advice.

@Rpolo yes I didn't think he'd be playing exactly with them but alongside them as such. I just have images in my head of him being in a corner by himself whilst the other kids are doing an activity or something. I'm sure it's not like that though!

@SummerHouse unfortunately not. It's a small nursery which is at full capacity and I suppose they can't make one rule for one and not anyone else who may be struggling. They're doing their best with him and they do bring toys etc in from his old room for that familiarity and comfort

@SoIRejoined in fairness to them they are doing their best and it seems he does get a lot of additional attention and support than some of the other kids. He also prefers one of the girls to his key worker so he spends a lot of time with her instead. They said he does engage in the group activities and they do encourage him and sit with him as well. They said when he gets upset or misses us then he tends to go off on his own a little bit more but he will engage when he's in a good mood 😂

@WASZPy I know we could do this but I feel like this could affect him later on in education.

On the up side he came out today happy as anything with his favourite nursery worker and she said there had been no tears today so that's a good thing. Maybe he just needs a little more time / comfort to settle than others.

Thanks for all your help

That’s great news he was happy today!