Stepdaughter presence makes me unhappy in my home

[Louise8202]

I've been trying to figure out how to overcome these low feelings for a while. I've tried allsorts of mindfulness, soul searching and understanding by researching different things.
My stepdaughter, who is 11, has lived with my husband full time from birth until the age of 6 when she went to 50/50 shared care. Spending half the week with her mum and the other half the week with us.
I also have 2 children of a similar age who see my husband as their father, due to their biological father being absent.
I have been with my husband for 6 years.
In the early days, things were pretty normal for a blended family. We came across small issues as we all grew to get to know each other, but nothing huge as we were mindful of all the children's different needs and feelings. Me and my stepdaughter developed a close bond as did my children with my now husband. Early on I noticed my stepdaughter was lacking in a strong female role model and she showed signs of insecurities and lack of confidence, she'd often tell me how when she visited her mum she'd be told things by her mum that made her feel sorry for her. Like being told her mum takes pills to stop her from crying and mostly spending time with her mum crying on the couch. I understood her mum could have mental health issues, but what was difficult to work out was her mum would be off out drinking and having the time of her life on nights out/ holidays when she didn't have her daughter.
Then all of a sudden, my stepdaughters mum decided she wanted to to have more of an input in her daughters life. Which I wasn't displeased about as I often wondered why any mother wouldn't want to see their child more than 1 night a week.
Unfortunately though, this came at the expense of having a wedge put between mine and my stepdaughters relationship.
Naturally, my stepdaughter used to call me 'mum' as the other children did. She wasn't forced to, she just felt comfortable doing so. Until her mum got wind of it and made SD feel awful for calling somebody other than herself 'mum'.
There were other things said and done to make SD think before she said anything and she became overly aware of saying anything in our presence that would potentially sound like she favoured us more than her mum. Like if she told me or my husband she loved us, she'd instantly jump in with, 'but I love my mum too!'
Her mum would never turn up to her sports days, out of school club competitions. Then all of a sudden she'd be there and she'd make it very clear that she was SD mum, not letting anywhere near SD.
She used to palm SD off every weekend she had her so she could go on nights out/holidays, yet tell SD she had to work.
To be honest, all the things her mum used to do never used to phase me, but lately she's become very controlling with my husband and lies to SD constantly. SD hardly spends time with her mum when she's at her house on weekends and has often wanted to come to ours, but her mum tells her that it's her weekend so must stay there with her mum's boyfriend. Now SD has stopped asking to come to ours on her weekends because her mum makes her feel bad for it.
Her mum has had multiple holidays abroad partying with friends and promised SD she'd take her away, now it's come to it she's blamed my husband for not being able to take her away (totally untrue!).
It's came down to us having to have a word with SD because she's believing everything her mum says and is taking her mums side whenever her mum makes out we are bad people.

In the present moment, I've become depressed, become a shell of myself. The day SD arrives home, I say very little, I hide in my room, I interact little with any of the children when SD is around. When she's not around, I am a different person. My husband sees this but hasn't clicked on to why this is happening. After all, how do I discuss his daughter is the reason for all of this?

I've caught SD feeding back to her mum about everything that happens in our house, everything I do daily, everything I don't do. Her mum asks for pictures and SD sends them. I've spoken to her about privacy in the home and why I feel this way but she still continues to send these pictures. She's making out to her mum she's happier there than she is here... which gives her mum ammunition to to control my husband. I've read messages from her mum on her phone which tells SD to take food and other things from our house. I've caught SD taking these things too. My husband has spoken to SD about this but she denies it... making me look the crazy one.

In a way, I do feel like I've gone crazy... I am checking her phone (which I normally do for all the children for safeguarding reasons) but find in the process I'm seeing messages from her mum that highlights things that are meant to be hidden from me. I know too much. So I'm on guard all the time. I say to myself I should stop looking, but then I'm afraid I'll miss something that jeopardises the privacy and safety of my home.
My husband is oblivious to most of the stuff she does. The times I do speak to her, she has an awful attitude, acts like a know it all and walks off.

I'm tired. I'm done and I've know idea what to do.

OP

Start grey rocking her - look up the 'nacho method' (American term).
Then you'll be less affected.

Make sure to still protect yourself as well.

I don’t understand what your step daughter has done.
Your issues seem to be with her mum. You absolutely shouldn’t be putting her in a position where she has to stick up for her mum.

And stay off her phone- it isn’t your place

Tbh I think you should just chill out about your step daughter. Poor sd is being manipulated by her mum and that’s awful.

Who really cares if she takes pics or takes food from your fridge? She’s only 11. Just focus on being a good, loving step mother and being there for her. Over time when her real mum keeps letting her down and she’s old enough to see her for what she is, she will be pleased to have a step mum who provides her with stability.

just ignore the real mum she’s obviously very messed up.

You seem very controlling. She isn’t your daughter. Your husband isn’t your sons’ dad. You need to put up some boundaries otherwise you’re going to end up hurting all the kids.

I'd be telling your husband that he needs to take her phone off of her entirely when she's at your home. Her sending pictures of your private life is absolutely unacceptable and I would draw a very hard line about that. You need to have a very serious talk with your husband. If he isn't aware of things, make him aware.

Back off. It was never natural for her to call you Mum and it’s not your place to check her phone. She has a Mum and Dad to do that if they see fit.

Focus on what you can control, not what you can’t. You can choose not to go all quiet and sulky when your dsd is there and to interact with everyone as normal instead.

I get why you feel so bad but I think you are letting it all get out of hand. She is a child and you are an adult. You know why she behaves like she does so try and relax. I mean, it's not as if you don't know why because you do !
let what she does taking photos and food etc wash over you. The mother obviously knows you are a good parent and can't measure up to what you do so she tries to take you down by using her child.
You need to take a step back and look at this situation from another angle or you will end up going mental OP

Okay maybe I haven't gone into enough detail. Her mum allowed her to have TikTok from the age of 6 when she gave her a phone. Only because I have safeguarding background, I checked her phone and found videos of herself on this app in uniform being very provocative! I was stunned! Her mum didn't care, so we gave her the safety talk and banned the app. She's still allowed to use it at her mums.
This is why I check their phones... and I'm still finding her posting videos in uniform being seductive! They are being posted when at her mums. Sorry if that comes across as controlling, I'm just trying to safeguard the child... even though she isn't biologically mine, I still care about her safety.

As for my husband not being my sons dad... I never mentioned I had a son. My husband has been in my children's lives from when they were 4 and 5. He's a good dad, a brilliant dad for taking them on and treating them as his own and they love him... it has been easier for him and them though because there isn't an ex of mine being emotionally controlling, alienating the children and trying to create a wedge.

Just be your loving self but keep your sanity by staying out of the parenting side of things - that’s down to your husband. Definitely not your place to check her phone and read messages between her and her mum. She’s being manipulated by her own mother, be the bigger person, she clearly needs a female role model. Having said that, I’d mention to your husband that she’s taking pictures of your home that you’re not comfortable with and let him deal with it.

My husband is aware she takes pictures in our home and sends them on, he's aware I check her phone, as does he because of what we've previously found and her mums lack of safeguarding. This all started with me unlocking her phone one day and seeing messages between them both that were clearly meant to be secretive and not meant to be seen by me and her dad. Since then, it's made me uneasy.
I've quit checking her phone for the past couple of weeks because I've just had enough and I think that's why I've become down, because I've no idea what has been sent which is making me feel unsafe and feel like I have her mum intruding in my private life.

Tik tok wasn't around 5 years ago

Tik Tok was around five years ago, it launched in 2016, not sure why a previous poster is denying that.

Ultimately, I think you should talk to your husband. He needs to set and maintain boundaries with your stepdaughter and ex-wife so everyone is comfortable, and that includes clamping down on parental alienation from her end and privacy violations from his daughter’s end. If he doesn’t, you have a huge DH problem, as he should be equally concerned. Be honest with him, take screenshots of things that are safeguarding etc concerns eg encouraging theft, inappropriate content on TikTok, and share them with him so he can see for himself. Your DSD will ultimately recognise your effort and care for her, but it will only become clearer as she matures and recognises the reality of her mother.

I may be shouted at as harsh... but if she is having this much impact on your health I would be looking to your DH to take some strong actions (including banning her phone in your house) to curb her behaviour or I would be taking my kids and leaving. Your kids do not deserve a shell of a mother, because their father figure cannot stand up for her/them in their own home.

I'd be looking to your DH to reduce contact the girl has with her mother on the principle that she is not actually spending that time with her anyway - using the courts if necessary, to protect the girl.

But as he's sticking his head in the sand currently and allowing this woman to dictate and bully him as well as his daughter I don't expect he will actually change anything sadly.

I don't think she is 'sulking' I think she is withdrawing because whatever she says and does is scrutinised and if she withdraws it takes away the ability for sd's mum to manipulate things. I completely understand why she withdraws. Being monitored like that, while someone looks for any little fault or thing to compete over in your own home where you should just be able to relaxed is shit.

i would say OP I do agree with others not to read SD's phone and to take a step back as I think you acting in this kind of mum way is making matters worse.

Unfortunately you cannot control what she says to her mum, all you can do is be loving and supportive of the fact that she has a mum who now seems to want to step up a bit more and be in her life. Even if it's not for great motives. Stepchildren will always always side with their parent, even if they are awful people. It's a survival and loyalty thing.

But in time as she grows older she may recognise how her mum used guilt to manipulate her and make her feel bad for loving you too (such a cruel thing to do to a child) and when she does she will not thank her mum for it.

I would also suggest if possible having the "im not trying to replace your mum talk and your mum will always be your mum." It might calm her mum down to hear this.
Best of luck x

It sounds like you are becoming a bit obsessed with the whole SD and mum thing to the point it's consuming you and you might have lost perspective.

Looking at her phone for safeguarding concerns is very different to looking for evidence to uphold your position- it's not your place to do it either way and you are putting yourself in a vulnerable position to get the 'you are not my mum' attack which would sort of be justified.

I sort of agree with PP that it does sound like you are sulking to almost try and make the SD feel guilty and hurt so she gives you all the adoration and attention back and that's not very healthy.

The behaviour of the ex needs addressing by your husband with both SD and ex.

I can understand the getting a bit obsessive and needing to demonise someone you are basically in competition to mother with (it's such a complex and emotionally loaded position to be in and one you thought you'd won at - being the favourite and the best mum) and I think talking to a therapist might help you to find ways to cope with this dynamic , recognise your triggers when you start going down the rabbit hole and establishing healthy boundaries here- the sooner the better before the teenage years hit.

It still is not your place to check her phone.
Curious how your husband is a wonderful father to your children, but doesn’t put restrictions on his daughters phone.

nah, I disagree with other posters. I think it IS your place to monitor her phone. she is 11 and she is part of your family. she is putting herself at risk on tiktok and she is disrespecting you. she is learning toxic behaviour from her mum. I think I would confiscate her phone for this. but your husband should be stepping in, I think

OP I don't believe an 11 year old child is being suductive,she's just a innocent child being manipulated by her mother, I think your DH needs to be a bit more strict regarding her social media use,poor girl probably doesn't know if she's coming or going

At the heart of this there is a very sad and lost sounding young girl who isn’t the centre of a battle between two grown women.

I agree you need some counselling as the whole post is very much you and how it affects you and nothing about your poor sd

and she needs parenting and boundaries to make her safe and protect her wellbeing. someone needs to stop her posting inappropriate videos on social media. and it looks like only OP is bothered

What?!! That is not what I said at all.
😱
The guilt and manipulation is coming from child's mother, making daughter feeling guilty for actually liking her stepmum.

All OP is doing is going to ground so there is less ammunition for mum. I'm not saying she is handling things perfectly (as stated in previous post) but I think saying she is 'sulking' is mischaracterising her behaviour! It's really unnerving feeling like someone from the outside is being fed lots of information about what goes on inside your home. Especially with a partner that is in denial and doesn't deal with the situation. Not saying I think she is necessarily handling all things the right way as stated in previous post, but no, I'm definitely NOT characterising SM as the sulky competitive one.

I am in no way 'sulking', I'm just interacting very little as I'm aware my every move and word is being fed back.
By monitoring her phone I have still felt responsible for her safety, don't forget... in the early days I was all this girl had in terms of a strong female role model. I helped her to build her confidence. She'd tell me she loves to sing, but was too scared to do it out loud. Months later, I had her singing alone on karaoke and she was made up. She had stage fright at competitions... it's wasn't her mum who helped her overcome these fears. She was frightened of people not liking her, I helped her have a different outlook.
When we found these videos in uniform with the words laid on top, 'would you f*ck, marry or kill me?' We informed her mum but she wasn't worried at all. It happened again months later, but we had the same response. So yes, I still responsible because of the initial relationship I had with SD.
And as for a 6 year old being seductive... the pictures are very similar to what her mum posts online so I can only think she's exposed to this.

I think I am just having difficulty, stepping back because I feel her mum is going to ruin this girl, she's trying to be her best friend and not her parent and SD seems all for it.
Her mum is the complete opposite to me, don't get me wrong I've lived the life of spending on nice things, posting about it and wanting as many likes as possible, but through grief, I've learned that none of that matters.
In the past, SD has sat with me and enjoyed listening to my outlook on life. Be kind, be helpful and thoughtful, but also protect yourself and hold boundaries. Don't feel the need to be in competition with anybody other than yourself. Don't be afraid to be different from the rest. What matters in life are the memories you make.
However, it's conflicting on her mums side... need to have the designer clothes, need to have a flash lifestyle, got to be posting online all the time, have to do what everybody else is doing and have the latest things everybody else has, obsessed with her looks. After all, it seems that all she does at her mums is sit in her room and post pictures and videos online. Her mum is riddled in debt through lavish spending (so her mum has told my husband), so I think this is why I've been more inclined to teach her the other way of life because I don't want her to be in debt!
My husband does speak with SD but her understanding is that her mums way of life is how girls should be.

But rather than getting the husband to look at this and do something she is stepping back.

I think some help abd support is needed from outside the fsmily

Surely if her mum is posting a video with overt sexual material of an 11year old you have a legitimate case for social services to intervien? Im unsure that recording a copy for your records would be legal but important to have evidence incase it is deleted.