Husband can't settle 7 month old always ends up being me

[Janebloom]

We have a 7 month old DD and 4 year old DS
I've always been the primary carer, I took a year off on maternity then work part time, DS definitely has a preference to me. DH would be a lot more firm with DS and shout more. DS doesn't listen to DH as much as me and I find the two almost bicker and put me in the middle. So I feel I have to almost mediate between them it was manageable but now with DD DH doesn't really do much of the settling. DD is breastfed to sleep so it's always fallen on me to settle her or put her to sleep. I'm becoming more angry with my DH as he doesn't really try to settle DD so now bedtimes, naps and when she's upset fall onto me. With our DS I feel if I'm not there things can escalate so I can never leave him with either child long. Just wish he would step up more, be calmer and more fun with first and also work on skills to settle the baby. Not sure how to approach this with him?

I could of written this myself. Neither of our two young children will allow my partner to put them to bed. He has never bothered, and therefore they now cry when he does. I can't go out until they in bed. He doesn't try anymore which is annoying and so restrictive for me.

To be fair, if you breastfeed her to sleep I'm not sure how you're expecting him to settle her? Does she take a bottle at all? Can you stop BF to sleep to break the association so that then she gets the same settling experience with each of you?

With your DS I would just remove yourself from the situation entirely - go out when he settling him for a few weeks and let him get on with it

Why is he shouting at a four year old at all, let alone regularly?

go out. He will get better. Or you find out he actually doesnt want to.

Ignoring the shouting at a 4 year old and lack of support from DH as that’s not going to be helpful but…

I EBF my 8 mo DD and up until recently DH was unable to put her to bed, as she also fed to sleep. On the contrary I have a very supportive DH who was determined to be able to settle her if she woke in the evening and to get to the point where he can put her to bed given she’s well fed (serial bottle refuser). We started off he would go on to re-settle (also serial false starter at night time) her and she would cry at him at first. This was hard to listen to and I wouldn’t let it go on longer than ten mins or so or if I could hear her escalating / getting very wound up. As hard as it is to listen, the worst thing to do is go in and take them off the other person as this just reinforces that you are the only safe place for them, but equally shouldn’t let it go on for too long as it’s just stressful for everyone. Eventually after gently trying for a few weeks my DH can settle with absolutely no tears and some times quicker than me!

After we knew she was happy to be rocked to sleep by DH we moved onto the next stage. I would feed DD before her bath, and DH or me now rock her to sleep. Tears the first night for a short period and dream feed was required as she’s a nosey feeder when not sleepy so wasn’t getting the most in before bed but now we can alternate who puts her to bed in the evening. If you told me that a month ago I wouldn’t have believed it!

So it can absolutely be done but really requires DH to be as determined as you. You just need to drill in that you need the support and that you both had these children together. Maybe have non judgmental conversation with him about what he finds hard? Why he doesn’t he bother? I say non judgmental because biologically and hormonally being a parent comes easier to mothers. There cries upset us because we are programmed that way. They mostly irritate men because they haven’t been flooded with hormones to make them feel any differently and this might be exactly what his reasoning is. It might be embarrassment that stops him from trying at the thought of failure and not being able to sooth his child despite his efforts! Only he knows!

I was going to be on your side about this and say DH needs to step up, but if you're breastfeeding to sleep how is he supposed to settle her?

He should have booked himself on a parenting class and educated himself on child development and parenting the instant he first considered shouting at your son. Your child will be scared of this man and cortisol flooding a child’s brain and body is very damaging. He should be ashamed of himself that his behaviour choices mean he cannot be unsupervised around his kids, and be striving to be a better man. Why is he not? Ask him if regular shouting at a tiny kid ever results in a secure, happy child, and what his plans are to be less crap.

He does need to step up but at the same time, breastfeeding to sleep needs to stop if you want him to be able to settle the baby.

Thanks for all the replies, I definitely was having a rough night last night when I wrote that. I should have been clearer that settling her doesn't always mean to sleep, just even if she is upset he will just hold her on his knee, I try and explain he needs to try other things, sing to her etc to calm her down but she's just passed to me so she's learnt that I'm the one to comfort her.

Feeling so unsure about things at the moment as I've had so many discussions with him about how he speaks to our son but he doesn't change. He's just very critical of him and negative, don't want my son growing up with his dad speaking to him the way he does but don't know if he'll ever change. Even if we separated he would be entitled to 50/50 custody though I know my son would be very reluctant to go

Is he actually going to want 50/50 though? If he doesn't want to do much with the baby and is horrible to the 4 year old it doesn't sound like he's going to be up for the hard slog of lone parenting for days on end.

Very normal that he can't settle a breastfed 7 month old. He should be doing more with the 4 year old.

Sorry just read the latest update. Yes you don't want him shouting at the kids. I agree it's worth focusing on this. Can you talk to him about it. There are online courses, stop yelling at the kids... that sort of thing.