OLDEST CHILD TARGETING HIS YOUNGER BROTHER

[BillybobtheIrish]

I'm writing this slightly in desperation as I really don't know where to turn or how to handle a situation that is becoming increasingly difficult. I am a mum to 4 kids - three boys and a girl.
The kids change sibling allegiances/ who they hang out with amongst themselves on a fairly regular basis, but mainly the little two spend their time together and the big two ditto. My second son is pretty mobile between his big brother and younger brother and happily flits with whoever is having the more fun at that moment. The big two are at senior school and the little two still at primary, so that also makes for a natural split.
The problem- the massive problem I am having is that my oldest ( now a teen) really, really REALLY doesn't like his brother, my third son. My oldest is quite alpha, finds school quite easy, is sociable and also a typical teen in that he's pretty self centred and involved with his friends and developing independence outside the family. When he's good, he's a total pleasure to be with, but when he's being a pain he's pretty grim. ALL of this I could deal with if he didn't target my third.

My third is quite sporty, too, but not particularly academic or competitive. He's kind and popular and feel things very very deeply- and is a worrier.
My oldest basically bullies him most of the time- from little asides like ' you don't even know your 8 times table' or ' you can't even read' to proper, mean things about how his cousins don't love him etc etc etc. I could go on and on! My teen is also way bigger than my son ( aged 8) so always has the upper hand in every situation. It has come to the point where I can't leave them alone without supervision, and I worry so much for the future. My oldest says my third is my favourite, so I do see that maybe jealousy is at the heart of this. My 8 year old is beginning to answer back - mildly, but he won't always be half the size of his brother.
I come from a very close family and the thought of my two boys not being friends is just so upsetting to me.
I feel very disloyal and ashamed even posting this, so please be gentle... I am far from a perfect mother but I do try and do stuff with the kids individually and am a stay at home mum. I worry about both of them; my oldest because he seems so cruel and lacking in empathy ( confidence?) and my youngest son because he is already an anxious little being who really hasn't done anything to merit this. My daughter btw who is my youngest gets none of this treatment.

Other than boarding school ( she says half jokingly) I would love any suggestions or thoughts. SORRY for the long post.

Hmmm... Let's take this in isolation for a moment and pretend they're not your kids and someone else's... What teenager...picks on an 8 year old child. Like even if he was 13... There's 6 years in the difference there. He's a 1/2nd year student picking on a 2nd class child. My guess is this is just jealousy basically so he should grow out of it, I would encourage him about the benefits of being a role model to his younger siblings. My brother who has Downsyndrome used to bite me when I was a kid and of course I was the terrible older brother because he has Downsyndrome, but my brother was cute and new what he was doing! Anyways, I would tell teenage son, "you should be looking after your younger brother, he's much younger than you, so you should show him how to do things instead of giving out to him." (I would also purposely say) "You're in 2nd year and he's in 2nd class, so he doesn't understand as much as you do. He loves you, I think you should do more things with him". Like purposely do a bit of subtle guilt tripping and then reward him if he does help the younger son. That would be my plan. All brothers fight but they shouldn't be constantly bullying.

Sorry to read this but please tell the older son to stop, keep telling him and use consequences. You really must.

This is far from them not being friends, op. Your eldest is behaving like a bullying twat. You need to stop feeling sad and deal with him.

Yeah I’m sorry, I can see you’re upset, but absolutely not. I would tell the eldest what an absolute shit they were being and how pathetic it is for them to bully a child of that age.
I would be very very clear about it.

My children do a lot of things that get on my nerves but being mean to younger children isn’t one of them & I know that’s because they know the consequences. The children I see behaving in that way( some of them family) are allowed to. It’s overlooked or may induce an eye roll at best.

I have two friends who were the bullied younger sibling and both have huge self esteem issue and resent their parents. It’s really not something to let run it’s course.

I'd embarrass older kid in front of his mates about it.

My oldest says my third is my favourite, so I do see that maybe jealousy is at the heart of this.
Is 3rd your favourite? How do you show this? In a fight between them do you always take ds3's side?

Alpha?! 🤨

What you are describing is emotional abuse. Please try and get some support to tackle it.

For clarification, aside from the verbal stuff, you mention how your older son’s size gives him the “upper hand in every situation”…is he physically abusive with his younger brother too?

'Alpha'? Is that really how you see alpha males - as bullying much younger people? You might like to check your sexism.

Then you say your oldest ds might have send-esteem issues - how fires this jibe with him being the 'alpha' male?

You need to come down like a ton of bricks on older son for bullying much younger son. He sounds like a right shit who needs a short sharp shock to make him think twice. Make sure you have consequences for him.

Your oldest doesn't get to be "alpha". You are the parent and he is the child. You are doing your younger children a disservice allowing him to behave like this. Rein him in hard, this stops right now. Your kids are suffering and you as the parent need to fix this. Or wait until he gets older and bigger with the same attitude and you can watch how his life plays out with that kind of behaviour, and the people he'll hurt as he goes, knowing you should have put a stop to it when you still could. How will the younger ones lives play out if you let this carry on?
Parent your child now. Hard.

I’m sorry OP, that sounds very hard.

Ultimately I think the other posters are right- your older son should know better and unkind behaviour like that is not tolerated in your household. He treats his brother with the same respect you all have for eachother in your family, or he needs to find somewhere else to go.

I wouldn’t worry too much about their future relationship. My siblings and I did some horrible things to eachother growing up, especially my brother and I (5 year gap) but we get on great now. I do worry though about the sort of person your eldest will grow into if they are continued to allow to treat another person this way- brother or not.