AUSTISTIC/ADHD

[Mummysue1966]

Hello everyone so I really don’t know where to start because I could write a book on my problems I am currently experiencing with my 11 year old daughter. I will just get straight into it. She is not diagnosed with anything yet but I know in my heart she has either ADHD or Autism or both, she is very sensitive, angry all the time, she can also get very violent towards me and my older daughter she is extremely scary when she kicks off. She has kicked my older daughter several times in the leg and caused bruises multiple times. She has got the police called numerous times in different places we have lived because of her kicking off and screaming and shouting neighbours called the police and we have tried with her doctor to get her diagnosed but she in her words said she doesn’t want to “label her” I’m at the end of my tether I have extremely high blood pressure and I’m at risk of having a heart attack because of all the stress that she is causing. I love her with all my heart but she is so abusive every single day she will kick off at something it only has to be something so small that she will get abusive. She stays in her room most of the time and she doesn't spend time with me and my older daughter ever really. She has recently started secondary school and her behaviour has got worse since she has been there. She still demands to have a dummy at night time this is why I know she is behind in her years and I’m just so scared of her and what she might do next. Day to day we are treading on egg shells we have to always watch what we say to her. If she doesn’t get what she wants she gets angry and becomes violent and I’m sick and tired of the impact it’s having on me and my older daughters relationship. We can’t go out because she’s at school 9-3 it’s not enough time to do anything together anymore because by the time I have done chores and sorted everything for said daughter to come home from school there’s just no time for me and my older daughter. But that is really the least of my worries I’m so scared to ask for help because I don’t want social workers in my life dictating. Also I’m scared how she will feel about me getting help for her. She sometimes refuses to go to school she is affecting my mental health so much that sometimes I wish I wasn’t here anymore. I could go on with this matter further there’s so much more I haven’t added. She has in the past made my older daughter wipe all her makeup off before we go out, she is extremely controlling she has to be in control of everything. It’s so bad that I am really scared of her I’m scared when she gets older she will become even more violent, I feel like I’m in an abusive relationship but with my own child I don’t feel like I can cope with her for much longer and I know if I do I will have a heart attack and my older daughter will lose me. I’ve told her how she is affecting my mental health and she said she doesn’t care. She is making me mentally unstable I’m scared to pick her up from school because I never know what mood she is going to be in and if she is in a bad mood we will get the brunt end of it. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place, I feel like I can’t live with her but I can’t live without her. Because after all she is still my baby

So sorry to hear what you are going through, it sounds really really hard. I can sadly relate to quite a bit of it. Sounds like you should go back to the GP and push for a referral for assessment, and mention the effect on your health. Say what you have said here.

I don’t know what your experience with social services has been but I think at heart they do want to help so it sounds like it would be worth seeking help as things sound so hard for you all. Unless there are other factors they are often not very involved in this kind of situation anyway.

Starting secondary school is such a huge change a lot of kids struggle. Do you know how she’s getting on? Did her previous school raise any issues? Or does she hold it all in at school and take out all her anxiety and feelings about lack of control st school on you and your other Dd when she’s home? Maybe see if you can speak to someone at school to see how it’s going there (depends on the system they have who it might be but maybe they gave you some info about who to contact for what).

did you already look at https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support for help? She doesn’t need a label/diagnosis for you to look at advice to see if there are strategies that are worth a try or get advice on how to get more help.

Sounds like you really love your girls and you want to be there for them and do your best for them, so I really hope you find a way to make things better soon. I hope there is someone IRL you can talk to, even if it’s hard to explain how hard it is to live like this. Hope today is a good day 💐

What is she like at school? Could you apply for dla, save the money and go private ( obviously if you get awarded it) also record things if possible and do go back to doctors and make appointment to speak to school

Where I live it's a 4 year wait for diagnosis. Then you get the diagnosis and just discharge no support. I would insist the GP make the referral but go private if you can afford

Raise it with school. If she's better supported at school it will help at home. Look up coke bottle effect.

The controlling makes me think of PDA. Look that up and see if it resonates. PDA society have a lot of info on their website.

I also think when considering neurodiverse people it's important to have a basic understanding of sensory processing difficulties which are a common comorbidity and if you are dealing with that it's the fastest way to improve behaviour by helping her with the SPD.

I agree with you social services won't be any help. A disability social worker are different and nice but to get one you need a child so affected by their disability they can't go to school or access social life etc so trying for one will just land you with a safeguarding assessment.

Possibly consider if school is too challenging an environment. Join some send groups and ask advice. School should be supporting and making accommodations regardless of diagnosis (but often they lie say can't help without diagnosis. This is why you need other send parents advice it's a massive massive battle for basic help).

I have two autistic kids. One diagnosed one not yet. Ultimately no matter what support I want or fight for the best help is educate yourself on your child's needs and sensory profile. It's what I've done that has helped my kids the most.

I'm not sure I can help with that feeling if being abused by your own child. I have a lot of resentment for what my child's needs have done to the family my work and the effect on his siblings. I live in fear of him getting stronger as he grows up. One thing I always say is try to think about how the child is feeling to act like that. It's bad for you definitely but they are living in those feelings.

Oh and lastly try to work out the triggers for the behaviour. This is why I suggested look into SPD it may be she's too hot or there is a buzzing light or itchy collar etc etc but it may be something unpredictable has happened and triggered the anxiety that is the root of the violence. Personally I set up my iPad to film constantly and every hour if there had been no incident deleted and started again. Then I spent my evenings watching it back to work out what set him off each time. I then adapted to avoid triggers and things have improved for sure

Oh also apply for an EHCP. it will get turned down as most are but take it to tribunal. You only have to show a child may have SEND for them to do the assessment. Even if you don't get an EHCP at the end part of the assessment is a speech and language assessment, possibly OT and you will get an educational psychologist assessment. These reports can be used to get support from school and to help you understand how to support at home.

Are there any other signs of autism and / or adhd? How does she behave at school, and how long has her behaviour been difficult?

To add to my previous message ^
My son (10) is diagnosed with adhd, autism and oppositional defiance disorder. He can become extremely angry and aggressive like your daughter, I often have to restrain him. Fortunately, I can usually de escalate the situation relatively quickly. What works for us, although not always but is mostly successful, is distraction. When I see he is becoming agitated, I will try to distract him with something I know he enjoys, and I pick my battles wisely, remaining calm at all times really helps, too, just think when you're angry yourself and someone else is getting angry, that causes more anger to build up, its easier said than done I know when you're being thumped in the head (in my case)
What about a calm space for her with the things that she loves. that may help reduce anxiety