How to best protect my children without them resenting me

[rainbowboymama]

I need to separate from the father of my young children, and believe they're safest without him in their lives due to his anger, his far out views and opinions and his coercive behaviour.

However, they love him to bits and I am so scared that if I take this action, they will resent and hate me forever. I do not know what to do. But I am genuinely worried about the adverse effect he will have on them if he stays in their lives.

Has anyone made this decision to get a court order in place to cut contact? Or at least limit it/have it in a contact centre? How have your children reacted to this? I'm so terrified.

I want what is best for my children and I genuinely believe it's cutting him out, but they're too young to know the ins and outs and whys at 6 and under, aren't they!

Hello Rainbowboymama,
I am not a therapist, but I can only advise you from my knowledge and experience as a mom and my professional background.
Children will probably resent you if you suddenly take them away from who they love, despite this person potentially negatively influencing them in the long run.

You see, I usually strongly advocate following your intuition, but here more people are involved, not just you, which complicates the matter. Maybe you should first try to speak to them, ask them questions in a non-direct and not so-intrusive way like role-playing or third person like if someone else their age is going through it and you are just asking for their opinion in the matter.

This way, you, as a mom, will have more understanding of what they would think in that scenario. It'll help you clarify certain doubts you may have and make a decision. If they are too young to understand, then skip the above and go to talk to a lawyer and also a counsellor before you make any move for extra advice on how to proceed.

You could also talk to a Counsellor for children for their opinion on this, and also she/she (the counsellor) could follow the children's well-being and assess them from time to time. If they see that he's indeed abusing them or something, the counsellor will be your best ally when it comes to proceeding in getting full custody in your favour.

I hope this helps and good luck.
Sending you strength in this tough time

If his opinions and views aren't illegal and his coercive behaviour is only towards you then don't expect that this will be enough to stop/limit contact. Court ordered contact is very much in favour of dads these days and defending children's rights to have a relationship with him

Thank you for your replies @DielleBee and @thelonemommabear. What kind of questions would you suggest asking @DielleBee? I think they may be too young for this, even if asked in an indirect, role-play type way. I’m also so worried about saying the ‘wrong’ thing.

I have already been in contact with some organisations and they’ve assured me based on what I’ve recounted to them, that there are such as things as no contact orders etc., so makes me feel as though this is a situation where this could be granted.

Thank you again for your replies.