How did you get your identity back after becoming a mum?

[Mamabear04]

I'm mum to a 1 year old and soon to be 4 year old. After my first child, i went back to work and found it quite overwhelming and to a job a didn't much care for. After DC2 I decided to cut down my hours for a job I really want to do and I'm fortunate enough to financially be able to do this. I love my job but I only work one set evening a week and then some ad hoc hours. I look after DC2 5 days a week and DC1 3 days a week. I find all my time is tied up in the kids and I (or DH) don't have much time to ourselves. DGP help out and take DC1 once a week and the odd sleepover here and there. Inlaws don't help at all and never have. DH always encourages me to make plans with friends, go get my hair cut etc but every time I take time for myself one of the kids is either ill or kicking off and I feel guilty leaving DH to deal with it all (as he would if it were the other way round). I love spending so much time with my kids and I always wanted to as soon my eldest will be at school and we'll never have this time together again but I just feel like I've lost myself. I don't find joy in the things I usually do and when I have free time I don't know what to do with myself. I think I'm putting off meeting up with friends atm because all I have to talk about is kids. I feel quite alienated. How did you find yourself again after becoming a mum?

I went back to work.

I had my hair cut at the Hairdressers, then used a box dye, and started using eyebrow pencil in conjunction with the eye make up I always wear. These small changes helped me look and feel more confident.

I started following fashion trends again, and treated myself to a few new, but cheap clothes.

I used to make sure I had time to myself to catch up on favourite tv shows and have a glass of wine.

And music! Plenty of music.

Work for me too. I did an additional qualification and found a new job which I am extremely passionate about.

Went back to work but part time.
Made time to do my make up nice most days
( this really helped my mental health and felt a bit more human )
If I sat in pjs all day looking a mess ( trust me this is still ok and I still have these days!) I would feel worse
Made time for ME which was the simple things like when baby naps treat myself to a film and cake, at weekends hubby would take the monitor and deal with any night stirs and get up with her ( my baby is 14m and only just started sleeping through) she sleeps 11-12 hours straight now so if he does the wake up he's not shattered and the night before I have a couple of glasses of wine, still go to bed same time which is 9-10 on for us and put ear plugs in and sleep 12hours. Once a week this is enough and gets me though the week and I look forward to it

Also just making sure I have me time and check in with myself whatever that may be
Netflix, nice food, a hot bath with lovely products suits me better then anything like leaving the house or catching up with friends !

I feel I've closed myself off the last year but it's survival for me/us with very little support actually next to no support x

Went back to work! My husband and I work similar hours, we share pick ups, drop offs, and household tasks. Got a cleaner once a week so we don’t have to bother with that anymore.

I meet up with friends regularly, I never talk about children, apart from the initial, ‘how’s the children’, ‘good thanks’. We just talk about what we used to talk about before - anything and everything.

We have a great sleeper, so once they’re down at 1930, we have the whole evenings to ourselves. Often cook a romantic meal on a weekend night and chat, play music etc. Apart from the newborn stage, I don’t think my life has changed too much after children. Except, we don’t have any night babysitters on hand so goi no out in the evening together isn’t as often as we would like. Instead we take an occasional day off work and go for a slap up lunch when they’re at nursery!

Took time and I did not went back to be me, I found a different version of me that I like
found things that interested me, current things, running club and some exercise clases (for me) where I found like minded people
for me being back at work also helped, since me at work has to be professional and knows things others don’t (intelectual challenge) - but also random chats with colleagues helped me find new shows, music, movies, things I liked before they just helped me get up to date
even started to find new fashion trends
it took time, and yes it’s easy once the kids are at least pre-schoolers

Work.

Went back to work full time, then found a more demanding role in my field, which I thoroughly enjoy. Got back to the gym 5 days a week, started a small business that I had been wanting to do for years. Stopped reading about/following on social media mom accounts/parenting advice.

Share pickup and drop offs/chores/etc… with DP.

In terms of identity, I feel like my identity as a mom almost gave me permission to say no to many things/people/events/issues and just get on with it.

Took up a hobby I had not done for a few years pre-baby, husband and I share bedtimes so I leave the house and have time to myself, plan in the odd dinner and night out, gallery visit etc with both "mum friends" and older friends. It is hard but you really need to plan in the time for yourself otherwise it won't happen.

I went back to work full time when DC was 3 months so I never really felt like I ever lost myself.

Keeping up with my hobbies, alone time, time with just DH, time with friends etc.

I wasn't interested in going back to work when the dc were all at school, so I got back into some creative interests I had pre-dc. Got back into painting and printmaking, visiting gallery exhibitions, did some short courses in things like mosaic and jewellery making, dance and drama classes, eventually went back to uni and did an MA. Lots of options and places to go where we are in London. It was nice to have that time to pursue my own interests and express myself and not be constrained by the dc or work obligations. I was happy to wait until the dc were at school/preschool because I wanted to focus on them when they were younger.

Continued pursuing my hobbies... albeit not at the same level. But it gives me time out, I do them for me and my enjoyment. I have friends through my hobbies. I rarely mention my kids with them... we largely talk about our shared interest. So I'm me to them, not 'a mum.' Work is always good too!!

I didn't really talk about my work with anyone outside of work, or feel my job was "me", so I don't connect with the "loose myself because I stopped work" statements. But I do understand newly being a mum can be all consuming, and that's ok for a bit but then I did make sure that I got myself out and about, each day we would go somewhere, and yes at times I spoke about our DS, but it was nice to do that. But I also carried on with my hobbies so I could still hold the same conversations I did pre baby.
I am struggling with fashion at the moment but that's nothing to do with anything other than this fashion is not a bit of me at all, so struggling to find my style.

Think of what you used to like doing? Interests you could find a club for maybe, Also think of it as, the more you do, the more you have to talk about when you do see people.

Have 3 under 3 and an older and wouldn't miss a minute. Don't feel lost love being a mum and not missing a minute