Working mum

[Leannexx00]

Hi. I'd like a little advice regarding full time work and parenting please.

I am a mum to 4 children, age 17, 12, 6 and 4. I work 40 hours a week and so does my partner. My partner leaves for 6.30am and I leave for work at 7.30am. Our 17 year old also works and attends college full time.

Before work I shower the kids and myself, get everyone ready and fed. Pack lunches done, tea prepped and out the door before I get 3 buses to work. I arrive home and get clean clothes ready for the morning, help with homework, do the laundry and ironing in-between breaking up 2864 fights between the little ones. I am exhausted. I cant do school drop offs or pick ups because I am at work. I have weekends off but literally Sundays are spent preparing for Monday.
We have no real family support and I'm paying £81 a week in transport and school clubs. I literally could cry I am so tired.

I've been. Contemplating dropping my hours to 30 hours a week which will give me more time to be the mum they need. Not the exhausted irritable one I am currently. It will mean a reduced wage but will also cut the current cost of £81 a week right down.

I am far from lazy but at the moment I feel I am failing as a mum and partner and that I never see my family.
On some occasions I do work 52 hours a week.

I'm 36 and I have not had a period in 3 months and my hair is falling out, the doctor has said this is caused by stressed which In honesty I understand.

Crikey. That sounds hard-core and sounds like your body is trying to tell you something. Please do drop to 30 hours. It sounds like you have no choice, really!

Not sure why I said 'sounds' 3 times!

Definitely drop your hours, what you lose in money you’ll gain in your health, happiness and general wellbeing, you’ll wonder why you didn’t do it earlier.

and what's your partner doing to help?

Before work I shower the kids and myself, get everyone ready and fed. Pack lunches done

This bit caught my eye too. Presumably the 12 year old and 17 yo sort themselves out in the morning?

I have a 4 year old and a 6 year old and we work long hours - they get a bath/shower at night before bed a couple of times a week during the week and they are both eligible for universal free school meals because of their age. 12 yo and 17yo can make their own pack lunches!!

It sounds like your partner could be doing more but equally there are some potential easy wins for you to not have to do as much as well?

Oh my days!! Sounds like my kind of life atm, however by next September I'm dropping to 30 hours.

Drop to 30 OP. Life is too short to spend most of it at work. As others have said, listen to your body 😊

That sounds like an insane schedule.

Why are you the one who is doing everything? Why aren't your husband and 17-year-old taking on some of the housework?

Yes, I think that if you can afford to cut your working hours, you should. Also, is there any way your husband could start work an hour later and drive you so that you don't have to take the bus?

I'd also consider other changes, like making the kids shower at night and making lunches at night. You could make the lunches and your husband or 17-year-old could handle the showers, for example. Make the kids help you make the lunches so that they can gradually start doing them for themselves.

You need to stop doing it all. Your husband and 17-year-old need to be doing their share, no matter what.

Good luck.

Where on earth is your partner in all this?

So your partner leaves at 6.30 which is assume is to early to help but it does mean he surely should help in the evening. I think you both might need to figure out a plan!

Yes drop your hours if you can!

It's not good when it's affecting your health like that. I'm on 36 hours a week officially, often do more but my contract does say I can leave at 4 for a couple of days which makes a real difference and I can use my official hours when I really need to be home with the kids (does often mean I do a couple of hours later in the evening which may not be an option for you)

The 17 year old is out the door also at 7.30. He gos to college till 4 and then work 5 till 10 3 days a week, cadets 2 days a week and works weekends.

The 12 year old is hard work, she gets herself ready of course but she has the maturity of an 8 year old and generaly pushes her luck.

My partner can't start later as he works for the council closely with schools for children with special needs. I work In oncology so often there are days when I'm delivering bad news mutipul times a day. By the time I get home I an soo tired. Last night I did a sheperds pie and blanched veg ready for tonight so thats made my morning a little easier, I'm just at a loss with what to do and basically when I get help my family feel like they are doing me a favour. My partner will make a point of saying he has done the ironing like I should be greatful. I'm just annoyed to be honest x

With your schedule, no wonder why you are exhausted. Don't feel like you are a failure because you can't handle full time work. DH and I both work full time, but we only have two kids and he has always worked locally and hybrid. This means he's always been able to do pick up and drop off as his commute was a 20min cycle. I'm now working from home and I can say my work life balance is so much better without a 2 hour commute.

Reduce your hours if you can afford it. Or get your partner, and the 17 and 12 year old to step up. My 12 yo doesn't pack her lunches either and leaves all her clothes on the floor. So I understand that part.

By all means reduce your hours, but the home demands need to be rebalancing.

I would suggest a frank talk with your partner. Identity all the tasks, see which ones can be outsourced/reassigned. Meal/ laundry/ cleaning assign half to your partner.

Then take the ten hours but assign at least 2.5 hours a week to you. You have to look after yourself, your health is already impacted. The family will be fine they will be gaining an extra 7.5 hours.

But that tiny break will help you throughout the week.

I literally do everything. When I had my son I worked until 5pm on a Sunday I arrived home at 5.30 and my waters broke at 7pm. I deffinatly feel like my body is telling me to slow down somehow. They all try to help in their own way but if I don't do it then come the weekend I have soooo much to do im not enjoying time with my children.

I feel stressed at home, stressed at work and feel I literally never get a break. I'm just sad to be honest

You need a break to recharge, you are human and running on fumes. Your partner has to step up and figure a way to let you have some down time.

Is there anyway you can take a day or two annual leave? Just to rest, recharge and then hatch a plan with your partner. It is a lot easier to sort this now than post burn out.

I would reduce your hours. Could your husband reduce his also? That’s very tax efficient as you both loose the bit of money you’re taxed most on, but he could then do some pickup and drop off too, so save money on wrap around care that way. He needs to understand it’s a day off to pick up the kids and do some batch cooking to make the weekend smoother though.

Jeepers OP you poor thing.

I think cutting your hours to 30 hours a week is a no-brainer. Also very good advice re ensuring some of the 10 hours are allocated to you.

If you sit back and think is there anything you can cut out that would be a quick win in terms of time. One of the things that jumps out at me is ironing. Is there any way of cutting that back and just have stuff unironed.

Also could you work on the 12 year old, is there anything you can do with her now that will pay off in the long run. I've never had a 12 year old but I'd imagine a child of any age pushing boundaries is wearing. Can you sit here down and say look these are the rules - you don't get X and Y no point asking it's never going to happen or won't happen before X age.

I have younger kids and the fighting is bloody draining and I'm not working 40 hour weeks in oncology.