Help with overbearing grandparents

[afternoonbiscuit]

Help! Day 3 of a 2.5-week visit from my DH’s parents and I have already lost my temper with his mother…

They clearly adore their 11-month-old grandson, which I appreciate, but they are all over him in a way that stresses me and him. They won’t leave him alone for a second, following him everywhere, talking at him non-stop, trying to get him to do what they want rather than let him play how he wants. If he crawls away they follow him. If he comes to me they call him incessantly to come back to them or they come and grab him. He’s at the height of separation anxiety right now so he wants to be with me a lot (even DH isn’t much favoured these days) but anytime he comes to me they try to take him back. It’s like I’m the one person who isn’t allowed to hold him, yet I’m all he really wants right now! He protests a lot - crying, kicking his feet, turning his head into my shoulder - but they don’t heed any of what he’s trying to communicate. He clearly wants space but when he pulls away they push even harder. I try to be firm in a polite way but it doesn’t work. This morning I snapped because my MIL just wouldn’t let me get on with making DS’s breakfast, hovering over me trying to get DS (in my arms) to come to her, blocking my way as I was trying to cook, and when she tried to grab him I just blew up and asked why I couldn’t hold him for even a minute???

They live far away and so don’t see us more than once or twice a year, so I understand that they want to spend as much time with him as possible. There’s also a culture clash going on here because they’re from a country where there is little sense of individual autonomy, personal space etc., so the controlling, invasive behaviour I have always experienced with them and now see happening with my son isn’t abnormal where they’re from. My DH, however, is not like that and so has never been close to them. I can see they mourn that, but just like with their grandson they only push him away more with their behaviour.

I want to get along with them as well as I possibly can (it’s always been hard) and I want them to have a nice time while staying with us, but I don’t know how to make the rest of this torturous visit (or future visits!) work.

I'm sorry you didn't get any replies! I hope you made it through the 2.5 weeks.

My in laws sound identical in behaviour. It's suffocating. I dread their visits. I don't really have any good advice - they got better after a massive row with my DH but still need constant reminding. E.g. FIL excites DC so much at bathtime that they become absolutely wired and won't sleep; we have to say things like "let's keep it down, it's your relaxing, quiet time now" etc. so he eventually takes the hint. Luckily, DC are getting older now and can say that they want me, not them or that they want some quiet time. FIL in particular is better if he has a designated job to do so we try to think of things to occupy him before he arrives. I think the over the top behaviour stems from not being around all the time to help out day to day, sadness about getting older and not living near GC, and DH being an only child who they've always been overly involved in.

Since the row, we are also better at putting in boundaries (e.g. inviting them over/visiting them but with specific dates/times), saying no, and intervening when needed. I've just accepted that it's awkward at times but I need to protect my DC and myself.

DH and I are on the same page so that helps. We both try to steer trouble away and give ourselves permission to hide upstairs for 5 mins when needed.

DC love their GP and vice versa. I love that they have a good relationship and are involved in each others lives. I think of that when I'm trying to bite my tongue.

I have similarly overbearing in-laws (FiL and one SiL in particular, others much better). It's very frustrating. They want my DS to play with them and love them, but they are just not attuned at all to what he wants.

So they will call his name, or make "pusspusspuss" sounds to get him to look at them; they will interrupt his play to get him to look at another toy; try to get him to play with something in a really specific way that he doesn't understand; and start tickling or kissing him, or driving his toy cars over his legs or something if he's not paying attention. As soon as they have him doing one thing, they want him to do something else. They also compete with each other, which makes it even worse.

They will persist with all of this, even if he's given them a really clear indication he doesn't like it - "No, bye-bye," turning away from them etc.

Similarly with eating, they are in his face all the time, trying to get him to eat something, pestering my husband to put things on his plate, exhorting him to "eat eat!" until he is overwhelmed and upset and barely eats anything.

I find it really tough to manage. Sometimes it works to facilitate something for them to do together. Or to show them how he is enjoying a toy they got him, even if he's not using it exactly the way they want. And sometimes it's important to step in and reinforce his stated boundaries - he doesn't like that. He's gad enough etc.

But you have my sympathies. It's tough and frustrating.