Do I just need to persevere or am I not doing enough here?

[JustWorryingAgain]

My 4 year old has such a temper, can be so rude and is aggressive. We worked on it for a long time now, we've seen improvements such as he has far less tantrums, and when he does have them I can snap him out of them far quicker, he's behaving well at school and has become worlds better with other kids and has friends. He did stop being aggressive altogether for a period of time.

He's so rude to us, speaks to us awfully, demands things, screams and shouts at us. I was telling him off everytime and it was resulting in constant negativity and his behaviour tanked so I did some research and started implementing it simply saying if you ask nicely, or I'll listen when you can speak to me kindly etc. He will then do so but he's still inititally speaking to us like shit almost constantly.

He blows up over stupid things and just goes off on these rants, I don't like you you aren't my friend you are a rudey I don't want to play with you you aren't coming to my birthday party etc all pretty juvenile stuff but he will literally rant at me for 10+ minutes sometimes! again I used to react and respond and now I just say ok dear, that's silly, and try and distract

He's started lashing out a bit again which is what I'm most upset about. He didn't want to get off the swing in a park and there was a queue so we warned him his turn was nearly over and removed him when it was and he sunk his teeth into my husbands neck. He was looked in the eye, told he is not allowed to hurt people and taken straight home. Then tonight he wanted to climb something he wasn't allowed to, and I said if you don't get down I will need to lift you down, he refused so I picked him up and he screamed at the top of his lungs and dug his nails into my neck and scratched me really hard. Again sternly told he is not allowed to hurt people and taken straight home.

I just feel so ashamed by his behaviour sometimes. He can be so sweet and I can see the improvements in him but honestly if I saw another child acting like he does, screaming at the top of his voice, ranting tirades of abuse at his parents, hurting them etc I'd assume they're not being parented well so it makes me feel like an absolute failure of a parent

We do a lot of talking about how our actions make people feel and in the right mood he understands and is empathetic but then when he's in a different mood he just goes I don't care mummy you're boring me stop talking. I don't feel like I know how to parent him.

Didn’t want to read and run but don’t have any advice or expertise to offer. I recognise some of this with my 4yo. He can be quite rude and blunt, but the biggest issue for us that he just gets so angry. So I’m curious if anyone replies with anything useful.

Have you tried the timer trick? “I’m setting a timer for two minutes and then you’re getting off the swing”. Does work for us sometimes.

I'd suggest starting with a book called 'Good Inside' by Dr Becky Kennedy. It's on Audible/ Amazon.

Lots of the behaviour you mentioned is addressed on there and you are given 'scripts' as to what to say/ how to deal with the situation, as well as an explanation to what is most likely happening from a psychological perspective.

This sounds so tough for you I’m sorry. I wonder if he could be neurodivergent ? He could have PDA or autism or else it could be something your local CAMHS could help with?

@JustWorryingAgain have you come across the book "How to talk so little kids will listen" by Joanna Faber? It's absolutely brilliant and gives you so many ideas to try when encountering scenarios like you've described.

A big part of it involves empathising and naming the emotion that is overwhelming your child. "It sounds like you're pretty angry that you're going to have to get off the swing. I bet you wish there wasn't a big queue behind you. Do you think we should have come here when it wasn't so busy? Aren't we silly for coming right now? Etc... For my children this works really well and tends to take the wind out of their sails.

But the book explains it all far better than me and gives you lots of strategies to try.

@JustWorryingAgain

A very powerful tool parents have is to ignore what we don't like and to focus on what we do like. This can't apply to hitting but rude speech is something I would largely ignore and when I get nice speech I would be very positive about it. I would be very careful to model polite speech.

We do a lot of talking about how our actions make people feel and in the right mood he understands and is empathetic but then when he's in a different mood he just goes I don't care mummy you're boring me stop talking. When I read this I thought - this sounds a lot for only age 4.5. Talking in this way doesn't really work, he's just being honest - it does sound boring and it isn't really rude to say so IMO! At 4.5 he wouldn't be expected to be empathetic yet, you're just teaching this. Do you model it, do you ask how he is feeling and do you apologise when you upset him? When he has a tantrum do you talk to him about how hard it can feel to be angry? How do you help him calm down?

if I saw another child acting like he does, screaming at the top of his voice, ranting tirades of abuse at his parents, hurting them etc I'd assume they're not being parented well so it makes me feel like an absolute failure of a parent This is unhelpful. In order to help a child we need to focus on the child, not on worrying what strangers think of us. I wouldn't assume this, unless I saw some evidence that the parent was doing something that wasn't right.

I don't feel like I know how to parent him. The honest truth is most parents don't know. We don't get much help either! But you can read up on different parenting and see which makes most sense to you.

I wonder if reading more about ages and stages of children would help? Also you don't say how often these incidents happen? That's important info.

It's always wise to be mindful of neurodivergence but also tantrums, shouting, rudeness are common in lots of very young children. You say they're doing well in school which is good.

Here's a basic article that might be useful, there's loads out there on this theme, the idea is positive reinforcement. Personally I dislike sticker charts, but the article explains other 'rewards' like praise. The basic message is The more often you can offer praise, the more motivated your child will be to repeat the behavior https://www.verywellfamily.com/positive-reinforcement-child-behavior-1094889