Single mum to 8 yr old and struggling

[Holibobby]

Myself and DD's father split up 4 years ago after a very abusive relationship. Co-parenting is generally fine now (few wobbles along the way), however, I'm struggling with my DD at mo. Since she turned 8 she's been so difficult, very defiant, attitude, generally seems to unlike me at the moment. She's always been so close, not wanted to leave me etc, now I get a grumble most mornings. I have read previous posts where posters have said it's an age thing.

At the weekend her dad took her to a salon and had her hair cut and curled by his on/off gf just introduced her as a friend. I didn't have an issue with that at all, however, when I was doing her hair after it she said 'you don't do my hair as good as her' and said it a couple of times. And it kinda really hurt.

She currently stays with her dad 2 nights a week but he's just messaged to say she's asking if she can stay an extra night now! Her dad is very competitive and always wants to be the best (which I do not rise to as it's all very childish). When DD says 'my dads the best at this, he's better than you etc' my mum use to tell me to say no he's not. But I would never ever put her dad down to her as she thinks the world of him (despite him being very manipulative and controlling).

We do have lots of fun together but I'm the parent that makes her do her homework, reading, bathtime - basically all the mundane stuff, so I'm not sure if that's contributing towards things.

I'm just feeling upset at the moment, and wondered if anybody has been through anything similar?

I’m in a similar situation. My DD is 5. And the sun shines out of her dads rear for her. I get the rubbish end of the stick. He gets to spend undivided attention kind of time with her when he has her. But for me I get the routine kind of time, so there’s more routine than fun. And it’s so annoying for me! She often comes back from her dads with a stinking attitude toward me. It lasts like 2-3 days but before I know it she’s back there again. She’s very spoilt over there and any of my requests are disregarded a lot. So we co-parent semi successfully. But it also feels like a battle too. And this is her only being 5!!!

For me though, I just remind myself that older years are coming (not wishing them away). My mum and dad split when me and my sister were really young. And what I remember the most was how my mum did everything for us, we were care for, she would give us her last anything, she took us to school, doctors, prepared all our school clothes and food etc. The mundane stuff is what I remember the most. Not all the fun I might have had with my dad.

I also try my best to explain to her about how it can’t always be fun and that I have rules because I love her and I make her go to bed early for school because I love her and want her to feel good for the next day. Almost like ensuring she knows we’re not enemies and there are perfectly good reasons behind why things are different at home than at dads.

We also have things that are ‘US’ things. So when she comes back from her dads we always have chill and movie night just us with the blankets. And we have little Costa dates. Just small but regular things. Because those are the core memories I like to think. Where she will say “oh I remember every time without fail I’d come home and me and mum would have a movie night and just chill together”.

I don’t know if that helps at all.
I just try to work the crappy situation in a new positive light. Sometimes there’s lots of ‘noise’ between me and her and I have to retreat and be like right now how the hell do I re-approach this and soon enough we’re best friends again.