What was different about parenting DC2?

[Alloveragain3]

I'm currently 34w pregnant and wondering what will be the same and what will be different this time around, during the first year of baby's life.

Already, it's different as I feel less need to read all of the baby books and we've already got everything material we need (like the crib and buggy and clothes). I have a good idea of my preferences when it comes to things like co sleeping, BFing etc.
So I feel more prepared and confident.

My DS is 4 so the memory is a little hazy but I remember constant crying, a battle to get him to sleep, carrying him everywhere and generally feeling like a zombie. I felt overwhelmed a lot of the time.

Is it easier with DC 2 because they have to slot into your life and because you're more experienced?
Or is it harder because you've got 2 to look after?!

I know everyone has a different experience but I'd love to hear from those who've had 2 or more.

It’s definitely easier with your second or third child as you are not learning as you go along and don’t have as much time to worry! Your younger ones do have to fit in to a certain extent but be prepared for some upsets to your older child’s routines for a few weeks.

I did do quite a lot of preparation before each child was due ( had three children all close in ages) getting meals in the freezer including sandwiches and quick snacks for my toddler after playgroup while I bf my younger one. I did some bulk buying ( sent hubby out with a list) of loads of things for the baby, toddler and us, toiletries, food, cleaning stuff etc which cut down on shopping trips.

I enjoyed my second and third children more as I was more relaxed and knew what I was doing most of the time. Also I was very busy so no time to sit and stare at a sleeping baby as I did with my first, the babies had to be put down sometimes to cry while I was sorting out another child and they didn’t appear harmed by it!

It’s very different to having one child but you’ll be fine!

I had an easier birth, both physically and the Midwives trusted more what I was telling them.

I didn't have as significant a hormone surge afterwards.

I didn't fret every two minutes if the baby was breathing or eating too much or sleeping funny. I didn't worry that I wasn't entertaining them enough.

A lot more relaxed!
Don't need a clean outfit everyday.
Partly because I had twins second time but also because i had older dc I never rocked them to sleep and the routine was built around dc1s routine. More flexible with routine.
Left them (in safe circumstances) to cry because I had to see to dc1 and that was OK.
Dt (at separate times) spent lots of time in a sling compared to dc1.
Definitely didn't have time to look up every different stage and was more relaxed if they didn't meet milestones (as every babies different).
Was more relaxed about weaning and sterilisation (I didn't do it for plates, cutlery once crawling but did for dc1).
More confident about what I wanted to do, more relaxed and flexible about things that might happen.
The house didn't need to be silent for dt to sleep. Happy to hoover around them while they were sleeping/get on with life because thy were used to having dc1 around.
I was also more assertive when I felt they needed medical assistance (because too many times I was the neurotic ftm when I knew I wasn't but with dt felt more confident to voice my concerns).
Definitely a much better experience second time around (even with twins it was actually easier than dc1 first year).

Personally, speaking for DH and I - we've both found having 2 harder than 1. Ds1 was an easy baby, slotted into life - we could still afford to do lots, go on lots of holidays etc.

With 2 we are knackered, there's always someone wanting something, DS2 hasn't had half the attention DS1 got.

BUT - they're 7 and 3 now and get on amazingly, they're the best of friends (and worst enemies)
We definitely felt less nervous with DS2 and much more happy winging most days. I absolutely was not as fearful of him crying as I was DS1.

Bit of both. I felt more confident putting the baby down and faffing with him less, sleep-wise, because I had another kid to look after. But also he wanted to sleep, unlike DC1

Didn’t stay awake at night gazing at him I wonder between feeds, either: I slept! Took far fewer photos.

”Just slots in” is a lie, though. He’s still a human ball of needs who wants milk, food, a clean nappy, sleep, calpol, attention, at the time he wants it. You just have to alternate which child waits, really.

I have a 3 yo and a 11 week old.

Newborn stage is easier second time round. Well, if you had an amazing, sleeping, none crying, easy going baby first and a high needs, none sleeping banshee second then maybe not. But if you have 2 x average newborns it’s much easier second time round. You are just more relaxed and know all the bad phases will eventually pass.

Second children don’t ‘just fit in’ like is always trotted out on MN though. They are individuals with their own wants and needs. Some days DC2 won’t sleep or won’t go in any form of transport. The difference is he just has to, so he is forced to cry a lot more than first.

Parenting 2 is exponentially harder than 1. I’ve never felt so spread thin in my life. I’m hoping when it’s not pre schooler and newborn it’ll be easier. Days with just the baby feel almost boring.

I have a 4 year old and a 14 month old. I found having a baby 2nd time round easy, you just know what to do, what to expect, have your coping mechanisms to hand and then you're much more relaxed about everything. The baby doesn't just slot in though, they have their own individual needs etc. I found juggling the two different ages hard because their needs are so different plus supporting the older one in becoming an older sibling and no longer being the centre of attention.

Now DC2 is a toddler I've found that he picks up bad habits and behaviour from DC2 but on the plus side DC1 helps a lot with DC2. She will help to feed him, distract him so I can get on with chores, keep him distracted while I change his nappy, pass him toys in the back of the car etc. It's also lovely to see them playing together. Good luck!

Things that were easier:

Starting breastfeeding, being more easy going around timings, DC1 (nearly 3) was able to provide distraction talking to DC2 whilst I cooked, showered or went to the loo. Less worries about starting solids and what to feed (DC2 was little miss independent and did BLW because she wanted to be like her older sister). As they got older they played together. Newborn DC2 slept better than DC1 did as a newborn, but that is not a given, many people have the reverse situation.

Things that were harder:

Double buggy was bigger and heavier, sometimes went for buggy board and single and swapped them over between sling, board and buggy.

Playgrounds - trying to keep an eye on DC1 and stop her pitching head first off climbing frames whilst breastfeeding newborn DC2 was not easy (wrap sling was my saviour).

Getting out the door anywhere near on time due to juggling two kids, feeds, nappy changes and packing everything needed (was even worse when I had DC2 and DC3 under 2 years apart and both in nappies plus DC1, all under 4).

DC2 did every developmental milestone earlier (terrible twos were at age one) and was a climber. Also wanted to eat or knock down all of DC1's toys/carefully built constructions. A play pen was essential for my sanity and getting anything done, never needed one for DC1.

Being touched and 'whyed' out was definitely something that I found happened more with two.

@VivaVivaa <waves> I hear a lot of that.

I have found having two easier than I thought in many ways. My main challenge is ds (2 years and 10 months.) I feel we were just getting to a much easier stage with him and have regressed loads. His behaviour feels pretty challenging and I’m feeling out of my depth with it.

Such interesting replies, and it's good hearing different perspectives.

I can imagine I'll be less anxious, or at least I hope so. The comment about checking to see if baby is breathing hits home!

I'm not sure if 2nd Labour will be easier but I bloody hope so as first lasted forever and ended in an EMCS.

Difference 1. Labour was 1000x easier and quicker !

Then, as you predict, and others have said, you, as parents, are more relaxed.
So yes, you are looking after a child at the same time, but it is still much easier in terms of knowing what you were doing, and that all the bad bits are "a phase" and that so much you worried over with your first, isn't really that important in the long run.

Then, for me, their personalities were so different.
for me dc2 was just so much easier at every stage - from sleeping, to tantrums and just everything - of course, I don't know, you might have had your easy one first

We found it SO much harder second time around. I was genuinely quite annoyed at my friends and family who had said ‘oh your second just slots in’. There was zero slotting in here - it was like trying to slot a square peg in a round hole.
It felt like a constant compromise for both DC and as a result, no one was happy, including us. For example, DS1 would need help going to the toilet, just as I was feeding DS2. Or DS2 had just gone to sleep, but then I’d have to wake him up to go on the nursery run.
No way I could ‘sleep when the baby slept’ this time around, as I had a 3 year old to look after as well.
For a long while, it was surviving. Making sure everyone was fed, watered and somewhat happy. DS2 is 18 months now, and I’d say it’s only been the past 4-6 months that we feel we’ve regained control and started getting back to ourselves. I’m sure it comes as no surprise to say we will not be having anymore children. DH promptly got himself referred for the snip!

Sorry OP. I hope that doesn’t piss on your chips too much! 😂

@NigelTheCrab I hear you about square peg round hole. I think DC2 would be a relatively straightforward baby as well if he was on his own. But his needs are just so polar opposite to DC1 that it becomes so difficult. I’ve resigned myself to survival and not much else for the first year. I hope parenting 2 eventually becomes more than permanently trying to prevent somebody from crying!

Definitely easier and more relaxed this time! I’ve also prioritised myself more- with my first I would sit on the sofa bursting for a wee because I didn’t want to put her down, didn’t always get a shower, etc. This time I make sure I’m showered and dressed and fed properly every day (partly through necessity as I have to be out for the school run!)

The only thing that is harder is the logistical side of things in terms of the school run and doing bedtime on my own with both kids (DH works some evening shifts).

I have found the experience of having my second what I imagined in my head having a newborn was always like. When DS1 was born what actually happened is I was overwhelmed, constantly anxious about his health, terrified, had no self confidence in myself as a mother, cried a lot and wished the days away. I look back and regret the first few weeks of DS1 life but I think really I may have been suffering from some PND.

DS2 is now 9 months old and everything has been such a dream so far. I am far more relaxed which I think makes him relaxed. He eats and sleeps when he wants which has led to a natural routine evolving over recent weeks that I didn’t stress about getting him into madly. Seeing my
babies together makes my heart sing and I feel like I have been able to enjoy it this time round. Don’t get me wrong the sleepless nights aren’t any easier but I think because I knew what to expect it was less frustrating, I’ve had much more of a ‘everything is a phase’ attitude.

Two I found more than twice as hard as one as it's a lot of juggling their needs as well as there being two of them.

I didn't find baby 2 easier as I didn't find baby 1 stressful or too much of a learning curve. I was pretty confident first time around, not much anxiety etc.

But baby 2 was very different.

Baby 1 was formula fed (by choice). Baby 2 was breastfed as she refused bottles from birth.

Baby 1 loved being swaddled. Baby 2 hated it.

Baby 1 could be soothed by either parent. Baby 2, just me.

Baby 1 was settled in the evening's and started having a bedtime (in the moses basket, in the lounge) at 2 weeks. Baby 2 was colicky, and cluster fed all evening.

Baby 1 could cope with background noise fine. Baby 2 was disturbed by the tv at even a few days old.

Baby 1 loved bedsharing. Baby 2 preferred her space.

Very different children!

@VivaVivaa so much of what you’ve said rings true for me. It gets to about the 12 month mark and it was at that point that things started slotting in to place. It’s like one of those puzzles where you have to slide the tiles around to make the picture. You just keep trying and keep trying and one day you complete the picture. There is light at the end of the tunnel!

I found it easier second time round even though DC2 was twins.

You know what to ignore / shrug off / put to the back of your mind / watch and wait.

You have the stuff, and you're less likely to be panic buying silver nipple shields at 3am.

You're aware of what playgrounds/groups there are nearby.

Your older one has some sort of routine to help structure your day.

Thanks for all of the honest insights. A few points mentioned I hadn't considered.

I'm apprehensively looking forward to the bone crushing tiredness and awestruck wonder that is soon to come!