I have no reason to feel fed up so why do i?

[Grump]

Today, I don't know what I'm going to do first - cry, scream or run away.

DD is an easy baby. DP is more helpful than most men around the house and with the baby. I'm starting back at work in more or less the ideal job in a couple of weeks. I'm not going to win any good housekeepng awards but the house looks presentable enough.

Today, I just feel I'm not very good at being a mum. I'm pretty good at looking after kids for short periods but day after day I'm getting worn out, fed up and more amd more clueless about how to keep DD happy.

I have wondered if it's PND but I've been depressed before and this isn't it. I am bored and frustrated so I soon could be depressed if I can't find a way to feel better about things. I always said I wasn't cut out to be a mother and now, one little surprise later, it looks like I was right. It just seems to get harder as DD gets older.

I have nothing to complain about yet here I am complaining. I'm letting my DD down. Someone give me a good shake.

hi grump. you sound tired out, have you had much of a break at all since your dd was born? how old is she? perhaps going back to work will be just what you need, to give you that little bit of space (even though it will be filled obviously!) and bring back parts of you that have been on the back-burner for a while? i'm sure you aren't letting your dd down, after all it's hard to keep lo's happy all the time, i don't think anyone can do that! and i don't think that anybody is necessarily 'cut out' to be a mother, imo it's only experience and effort that can make you that. and it sounds as though you are putting the effort in.

i've felt like you at times since my dd was born, and it usually was when i was totally exhausted and really needed a little break. if you can, maybe see if you can take some time for yourself this weekend? hope you feel better soon

she's 8 months. It's just the incessant nature of being a parent that is getting to me. I don't think I ever really understood that this is one job where you are always either working or on call. You're never really off duty.

I have had quite a few little breaks with grandparents looking after her for a few hours and usually get few hours off every weekend when DP looks after her but I never really feel like I can switch off. I suppose I am my own worst enemy because I try not to ask for help, just in case anyone thinks I'm getting depressed again. We have lots of relatives living close by who would look after her for days on end if we asked them. I'd feel so guilty about choosing not to be with DD though.

Crap. Perhaps I am depressed

i know what you mean about not being able to switch off, this was an ongoing dilemma for me, that i needed a bit of time/space, yet would feel really guilty and also miss her so much that it wasn't worth it! for me, having time out never really made me feel refreshed until i learned to let go a little, and to not worry so much when not with dd. tbh this became much easier once she started attending nursery for a few days per week, as it sort of forced me to trust them and take a step back iykwim. obviously i still think of her a lot, but i just try to focus on what i'm doing and make the most of the 'me' time. you should definitely ask for help if you need it, and you are really lucky to have lots of relatives close by, so take advantage of it i think maybe you are feeling too much unnecessary guilt..

re the depression, are you experiencing other symptoms? have you felt like this for a while or is it recent?

Grump, I was about to start a very similar thread titled 'shouldn't I be enjoying this more?' DS is 4 and although i certainly can't say that I have never enjoyed being a parent, I still think of looking after ds as more of an obligation than a pleasure.

He is a lovely, lovely child, so easy compared to others (apparently, I wouldn't know, obviously) and dh is great at playing his part although he is ill a lot. He seems to enjoy looking after ds more tbh. We have a nanny 3 days a week and if I don't get those days I am pretty . I struggle with the weekends a bit but thank goodness now that the kids are older, more parents are working and more of them are keen to do stuff at the weekends.

When ds was 8 mo - 18 mo I had probably one of the worst patches of my life. I found caring for ds absolutely relentless, dh was ill (as in, in bed) for at least 1 full weekend every fortnight, I was ill a lot, ds was ill a lot and because most parents weren't working yet, most people didn't want to meet up at the weekends. It was Hell tbh, although I had satisfaction in 'getting through it' and a glow of martyred virtue from time to time. The latter can help when things are really bad but is a dangerous thing to indulge for any length of time.

You may simply find that you are a lot more cheerful once you go back to work. There are an awful lot of parents who are better parents if they are not face-to-face with their children 7 days a week. I think I'm one of them. Maybe you are too? You're still your child's mother and nothing will ever change that.

The only answer I have ever found is to be out of the house (with ds!) and with other people the maximum amount of time. If I could move to a civilised commune, I would.

grump, you are not alone. I love my DS of 17 months, but being home alone 7 days a week drives you crazy, it's boring and isolating and grinds you down, even if you go to baby groups etc. I would definitely agree with others that working at least part time totally helps, as does having 'me' time as much as you can.

There is a lot of mythmaking and people don't really tell you how hard it is. You have to 'find the joy' and really enjoy the free time you do have. I also agree totally with the last poster that you are a better mum the happier you are personally and if your life has more in it than just home and kids. Some people might be fine with it, but for a lot of us it is not good for our mental health.. Chin up and hope it gets better when you start work!

jekyll, not really having other symptoms of depression no. I certainly don;t feel like I did when I was depressed previously. But I do feel like I'm teetering on a dangerous edge. I almost wish DD was more difficult because then I'd have an excuse to say I really needed a day off. The newborn stage was easy but once DD hit 5 months it got a lot harder. I suppose up until then she only really wanted 4 things - sleep, milk, a new nappy or a cuddle. Now DD is at that age where she has more complicated desires and no real means of telling me what it is she wants.

I've always really enjoyed being with other people's children and even had my small nieces all day or for overnight stays. The thing is when they went home, I could have a large glass of wine or three and look forward to a lovely lie in the next morning. Now it all starts again the next morning.

I also feel that I have to excuse any time off I get by doing something useful or catching up on some sleep. Actually, all I want is a few hours to daydream.

I do wonder whether the disturbed sleep I'm having is making me get everything out of proportion. Between DP's snoring and DD's restlessness I seem to be waking up every hour or more. One night's unbroken sleep would probably help me a lot. I have seriously considered booking into the local travelodge for the night just to get a proper night's rest.

Does anybody else find that their child is an angel when anyone else is around, but when you're alone with them they are a lot more stroppy? I was expecting that to happen but not while DD is still a baby. Perhaps she's picking up on my stressed state or maybe I'm being a bit slow to pick up on her needing something.

Glad to know it's not just me that's finds it a thankless trudge sometimes.

I do remember feeling that I had a Good Mother in my head, and that I only matched her expectations about twice a day, for a max of 30 seconds each time.

If your child is an angel with other people around, import other people as frequently as possible! (or export yourselves to them...) I had the trouble though that others seemed less desperate to be with me than I was with them... I was fairly shameless though... The great thing about being with other parents and their children is it doesn't feel like 'time off'.

You really are at a very, very tough stage - just carrying the child everywhere is hugely exhausting, like pregnancy but with a child twice the size! It was a big plus when ds learned to walk. I'd recommend one of those walkers with wheels (lots of safety concerns but as long as they aren't going to tip over I wouldn't worry) - ds absolutely loved his and it saved my sanity many times.

Grump, I could have posted this exact thread a year ago. As you say, I think I felt worse to have nothing major to complain about - DH helpful, finacially secure, two (fairly) well-behaved children, both excellent sleepers.

For me that was PND - just a general feeling of sadness. Things are now unrecognisable - a short course (6 months) of AD's (only 10mg), DD is now so much easier as I get more of a response.

Do you get out much? I go to coffee or groups every day. With regard to knowing her needs, Sing and Sign classes have been a revelation for DD (18 months). On saturday she signed 'pain' on her jaw followed by 'medicine'!! Cue end to lots of clinging and crying.

Think Travelodge is a brilliant idea. I have a spa day about every 2/3 months. I go on my own and love it. DH and I leave children with Grandparents about 4/5 times a year, just for 1, maybe 2, nights, 20 minutes away. I'm not yet comfortable being too far away but knowing that I can go and get them if there's a problem makes me really relaxed.

Also, think the more stroppy thing when you're on your own is due to you being bored. I really struggle to entertain DD at home for more than 15 mins. DS is 3.5 and easy - we do puzzles, cook, read etc. Your DD's age is REALLY tricky. My DD just clings and whines some days. When it's like that I put her in the pram and walk to the shop (there's always something you can buy like stamps).

I've tried AD's in the past and they didn't really help much unfortunately. What did work was some CBT and astonishingly quickly. I could go back and see the therpaist but she was so good, I have kind of internalised her and I know the things she would tell me to do to feel better. Unfortunately those things were more easily done when there wasn't a baby to look after. Although, thinking about it now I'm probably just making excuses. I really need to stop labelling anything I do for myself as self-indulgent.

I think I'm just shocked at how I feel and how different it is to how I expected to feel or how the books have it. I really thought I'd love this stage of babyhood where they're hitting all their milestones and starting to engage with the world but I don't like it much and feel like I'm marking off the days waiting for ..... I'm not sure what. I don't know when I'll truly start to enjoy it again.

I'm also a little bit resentful that having a baby seems to have changed my life far more dramatically than DP's. Though I can't put my finger on exactly what the difference is.

You've all really helped. Thank you so much. I feel much less of a freak now and I think I might even be able to admit to DP how I feel.

really don't feel self-indulgent for doing things for yourself now and again, it will indirectly benefit your dd anyway, she needs you to be happy and feeling positive. i know that i went on for way too long trying to do it all by myself and being a bit of a martyr (not suggesting you are though!), until i realised that i was making things harder for myself and worse on my dd as i was worn down and not at my best. dp had been telling me to take time out for ages before i listened and actually did it. i think admitting how you feel to your dp will be a good step too, it's fairly common ro feel like this i think, and expressing it will mean that you can get it out, talk it through, and it won't turn itself into something it isn't by being locked away in you. maybe your dp can help you find time to do some of the things you need to do to feel better again...

Grump I can really identify with what you've said about the relentnessness of being a mum and also about the resentment at the changes my life has undergone in comparison with DH's, as wonderful as he is.

My DS is 3.4 and I also went back to work, when he was 9 months old. It took me a good 18 months after this to allow myself to take a day off work just because I needed it without picking him up from nursery, I felt so guilty at the idea of him being with someone else when he could have been with me. You really do have to give yourself permission to have needs. I got to the stage where I was also teetering on the edge of depression because, although ds was a relatively "easy" child and still is, the emotional input you have every single second of the day as a mum is absolutely breathtaking.

I think this no-time-off concept is also where dh and I differ (maybe its the same for everyone, don't know)- I am convinced that I keep ds alive by the sheer force of my will power sometimes . The buck always stops with me, maybe that is what you are finding so wearing too? The knowing that whatever your other half is doing for your child, if you are contactable then you can and will be called upon to give any advice on what dd needs (where do her favourite purple spoons live? Does she normally sleep this long at lunchtime? What does that sound mean?) is a really big responsibility to take and I for one wasn't prepared for it either. Don't be hard on yourself though, you certainly aren't alone!

I had a breakthrough when I went away for the weekend for a close friends' hen. Really really really didn't want to go as was dreading missing ds, which of course I did but it was nowhere near as bad as I'd imagined. When I returned, DH and DS were so "in tune" because they'd had to be it was great for me. eg DH was the one saying on Sunday afternoon/eve "right then young fella let's get your tea sorted out" and "ok bathtime now" - basically making the decisions about our son's needs and I DIDN'T NEED TO. Bliss. I agree that letting go is hard to do though, think your travelodge idea sounds perfect. And glad you think you'll be able to talk to your dp, he sounds a lovely sort. This post has been a bit me me me me me me but just wanted to show you're not alone by any stretch of the imagination. Good luck xxx

Thank you so much for all your messages. The force of my moaning broke the pc so I couldn't get back on before now . You've described exactly how I'm feeling, desperate for time off but too guilt-ridden to take it. It's really stupid given the queue of loving relatives just desperate to spend a few hours with DD.

And Minkus I am familiar with the purple spoons conversations. "Where are her sleepsuits?" "In the same place they've been for the last 9 months dear ".

A couple of good nights' sleep have helped my mood enormously. DD has gone to bed early and I have the house to myself for an hour so I'm using the time to watch TV and drink wine (before 7pm ) rather than do the ironing. You have taught me well.

It is so good to know that this is a normal way to feel. Nobody I know in RL has ever spoken about feeling like this so thank you again .

lol at moaning breaking pc

Glad a few nights good quality sleep has helped. Bet the wine will too! (Am v as I am 23 wks pg and horribly sick, would love just one glass of wine of an evening but can't even face that. Yes it's my turn to have a bad day today )