Shy and sensitive daughter.

[SkyTed]

I am at a bit of a loss with what to do and how to help. My daughter is 10 and she is shy in group settings, with children of her own age. This is not how she acts at home and when we have play dates one on one she is well within her comfort zone. She is a lovely, gentle girl with a great sense of humour. She is bright and willingly participates in after school activities, both Sport & Drama related. Any yet she is not popular with her peers and has a tendency to clam up. I have always been aware that she is on the periphery of social groups and has struggled to find her "tribe" throughout her school years, not helped by the fact her school shuffles the classes every year so there hasn't been consistency with friendship groups. It all seems be be amplified as she gets older though.

This weekend she confided that the group of girls she walks to school with have been running away from her (I was aware that in the past they had ignored her at times and had previously removed her from the group but allowed her to be pulled back into it). This morning, I watched her leave the house and walk up to them and they walked by her without even saying hi. She also confided that her "best friend" had found a new bestie, has been ignoring her and has recently scolded my daughter for following her about.

I don't want to make the situation worse for her by raising it with the girls mothers - some of whom I am friends with. Equally I do over analyse what my daughter is doing wrong - which feels like I'm betraying her. I just don't know how to help her. We live in a small town and all the groups and clubs on offer, involve all the same girls. I regularly organise play dates, she is in various clubs, I have tried role playing to help her with conversation techniques, she has the right clothes, keeps up with make up, magazines, games (although she doesn't have and won't be getting a phone any time soon - and Im aware she misses out on the online chat as a result).

Her shyness at school has always been an issue, but I am concerned it is becoming a social anxiety. Im heartbroken that she is being overlooked and left out when she really is the sweetest kid. She once told me how she struggles to come up with things to say fast enough, and once she does the conversation has moved on. She also over thinks what she should and shouldn't say in case it hurts anyones feelings. I.e. she wouldn't talk about a birthday party she had attended at the weekend to someone who wasn't there incase their feelings are hurt. I simply do not know how to help her. Any guidance would be welcomed.

It sounds like she is being excluded. I'm trying not to use the word "bullied" because I realize it's a strong word, but exclusion is a form of bullying so maybe it's appropriate to call it that.

The point is, if she's having a tough time, the nastiness will be making it worse. She'll be extra-conscious that people are judging every word.

I have two suggestions. First of all, do talk to her teacher. If you're looking for words, here's my suggestion. You've noticed she is becoming withdrawn and you saw that her friends are excluding her. There are problems with her best friend. Ask what strategies there are to deal with this sort of situation. If there aren't any, that's a red flag and you should talk to the head.

The other thing is to get her involved in things outside school. You said you're in a small town where activities involve the mean girls, but I think it's so important for her to have an outlet where she can get away from the bullying...

So could you get her to an activity in a town nearby? Are you absolutely sure you've considered all of the possibilities in your town? What about activities where the mean girls won't be dominant? Things that attract girls and boys and kids of all ages?

The bottom line is that you need to find something so that she gets to have a place where she's not a social pariah and gets to be normal. I'd even consider volunteer work, like helping out at the local old people's home. Even if there are no other kids, it would be a place where there's no bullying. You could also consider activities where the mean girls are present, but the kids are mostly focusing on their own thing instead of having to work together, like doing art instead of being on a netball team together.

Also, I do think it's time to say something to your friends. Pick the one who nicest. Don't tell her not to repeat what you've said--you want word to get around that this is a problem. Don't say anything about anyone else's kid. Say briefly and clearly that you're concerned about your daughter. You've noticed she has been left out lately and it's really affecting her. Ask for help in figuring out what's going on. Even saying that might lead the other parents to talk to their kids.

I wouldn't worry, honestly, that she is a little slower to talk in group situations. Your job as a parent is to teach her how to be an independent adult, so she needs to know it's OK to be quieter and more careful about saying things, but there are times when she should speak up for herself or others. When you see examples as you both go about daily life, point them out and provide examples of how to respond. Continue the conversation as she grows up.

Most of all, remind her that it'll get better and that she is unlucky, not condemned to live like this forever. Good luck.

Thank you Antst. I have actually spent the morning researching art classes in nearby towns, to give her some headspace and open her up to new people and considering a judo class that her little brother goes to and has a different crowd. Not sure the judo would be her thing....that said, giving it some thought. Thank you for taking the time to respond. You are possibly right about approaching my friends about the behaviour too. I will give that some thought.

@SkyTed, it's great to hear that you do have access to activities in other towns. As for the judo, I think it'll do her good to at least try it for a few weeks (she might hate it at first, but encourage her to stick at it for a while)! The exercise will help lift her mood and like all experiences that are outside our comfort zones, it'll broaden her horizons and teach her that new things are not that scary and can be done.

I'd even consider discussing the bullying with her openly (because it's nothing to be ashamed of) and say that you think it's more important for her to take opportunities (like judo) to meet other people than to love the activities! You might be able to get her on board that way. I think any kind of new experience where she's not stuck in the role of being bullied will fundamentally be good for her.

I also want to add that I've read that service work (volunteering) can be great for bullied kids because it takes them out of their heads and gives them a sense of purpose and usefulness.

I also have ulterior motives though because I'm into education in my job and all of these things will someday give her an advantage on her CV when she applies for training/university! She'll also learn all kinds of useful skills from classes/volunteering (including how to talk to very different kinds of people).

If you're wondering why I'm writing you a novel it's because your daughter's situation is familiar. I also grew up in a small town where it was hard to get away from mean-girl dynamics. The town leaders didn't like my father (he was not religious in a religious area) and encouraged their kids to be unpleasant. Luckily, my father was very arrogant and very much had a "who do they think they are" kind of attitude. So I grew up feeling confident that even though I was shy (just like your daughter), I was better than the bullies! Not sure if that's an appropriate thing to think but it certainly helped me. I think you could accomplish similar self confidence-building with your daughter (without being as arrogant as my dad!) by praising her for things like being kind and open-minded and careful.

Anyway, my situation improved... The town leaders' kids and I became friends and maybe that'll happen for your daughter with certain people who are currently excluding her. If the group is treating your daughter badly, mark my words, they'll do the same to others at some point. Also, the various activities I did to get a break from the dynamic at school ended up being incredibly useful! I'm a scientist and my art skills got me and my friend a job painting murals at the local museum. That kind of experience gave me an edge over other students at university because my presentations and record-keeping looked more professional. I could talk to much older people from all of the volunteer work my mum made me do for her older patients (she was a nurse) and that certainly helped with interviews.

I don't mean to be lecturing you to look on the bright side. This is a tough situation. What I'm saying is that your daughter is learning how to deal with difficult people, a skill that many other people don't learn until much later in life, when they're not surrounded by supportive parents like you and are overwhelmed with other responsibilities. It's not all bad.

I work with some of the best students in the country and it's completely normal for many of them to have been excluded at some point in their lives. Your daughter is certainly not alone or unusual. Don't worry and give yourself a pat on the back for caring and getting involved.

I could have written your post. Thankfully DD has some great friends from church and I'm just trying to make sure she gets to see them a lot. Also working on all the negative self talk and on boosting resilience and confidence - it's tricky balancing that with being caring/kind/etc.

I've also been in touch with the school as she was definitely being excluded by other kids and seen as the 'weakest link'. It's just heartbreak.

Hope you get a solution soon.

My daughter was in the same position. She sounds like such a kind and thoughtful girl. It sounds as though school haven't helped by not having a consistent class over the years.

Is there another girl in the class who is equally shy and doesn't get invited? I encouraged that sort of friendship for my daughter and it worked really well.