Your thoughts on this

[123times]

So I am temporarily living with my ex whilst saving up to move out. We have 2 kids. He's refused to discuss anything so we don't have to live together. That said we don't argue and the kids are happy as we get along.

The house was my family home. I've lived in it since 2009 as a home owner and started buying it. My ex moved in, in 2012. He paid the bills and mortgage for over 6 years between 2015 and 2022 whilst I raised the kids to school age. I then went back to work.

I work 5 hours Monday. 4 hours Tuesday and 4 hours Thursday and 5 Friday. He works full time from home which is half 8 until 5 ish..he often works evenings too for extra money.

Now to the part that makes Me so frustrated. Housework and tidying..big factor in why our relationship broke down. He's an absolute slob. I've worked an extra shift Saturday then stayed at a friend's until this morning. I usually stay out 2 weekends a month and he sees his friends usually Friday nights.

I walked in this morning. The worktop sides are covered in pots. He's been shopping and left all the jars and packets on the work you. There's 2 airers full of clothes.hes left a dry pile of washing thrown on a toy box. Next to the washer was another massive pile of clothes. The bin was overflowing. The conservatory floor was covered in paper and drawing stuff. Leaves. Rubbish packets. The tables filthy. There are random toys, shoes am old car seat launched everywhere. The kids were both asleep on the sofa. The living room is a complete tip. The kids bedrooms are both a state and there's towels and the bathrooms also not clean.

I'll be honest this is how it ends up if I work extra or go out. On my days off I'm struggling to put it back together and get the tiniest part done then it's back to a mess.

I have just asked him what the hell has happened. He said the kids were "drawing"

I said to him I don't have a day off until Wednesday how am I supposed to do this and go to work today before the kids come home.

I just don't understand why he doesn't feel any of it is his responsibility. Yes I work less hours. But I also cook dinner every night. I also am only human. I leave at 9am for work after school run and get back around half 2. I then have 1 hour before the kids are home.

I know I neee to move out once I saved up. But am I out of order thinking he should be doing bits at the weekend and not thinking it's my problem.

Our kids are almost 6 and 8.5

Hey, my sympathies, I am living with my ex too. What I wanted to ask though is, why are you moving out if it's your family home? I get he paid the bills for a huge chunk of time (although you'd paid the bills for near enough the same amount of time as well prior!) but why should he get to stay in your home - I presume the kids would stay with you so they'd have to move too?

@Lifebeginsat40theysaid

He cries. Says he can't afford it. Occasionally Said he thought about killing himself. But mainly he just has dunked his head in the sand. He wants to carry on buying it for the kids etc. I put in £400 a month towards the bills I earn around £700 and I also buy food shopping and bits on top of the £400. He just won't budge. I think a friend has given him advice to stay

What's your situation?

HI OP.

I sympathise - I co-habited with my ex for a year also and it is hell. If household chores is one of the reasons you have decided to split - im sorry - but dont expect that to get better in the time now before you actually split.

As for him staying - he cries!!?? so what - thats not a basis for allowing him to stay! Neither is his threat of suicide. (because that's probably all it is)

You say its your family home so I can't understand why its been agreed that you're the one moving out?? It sounds like he's denying the split and is hoping that you will end up staying put. Have you spoken to a solicitor about getting divorced? You need to do that NOW.
If neither of you can afford the house on your own (but presumably you were affording it BEFORE he moved in??) the house will have to be sold and assets divided between you - how much would go to each of you would have to be agreed and will depend on length of marriage - how much each of you came into the relationship with - and who will have the kids most after you've split.

Good Luck - see a solicitor ASAP if you havent already.

Also - couple of questions:
You say "lived in it since 2009 as a home owner and started buying it." What does that mean exactly? Have you bought the house off another relative or did you just buy the house as normal - just a bit confused by the phrase "I started buying it"

Also you mentioned that your Partner (are you married?) is paying the mortgage - but is his name on the mortgage/deeds?

My situation is weird! My ex and I had been together since 2001, neither of us are in a great financial situation so we live in a rented house, 2 kids. I broke up with him 4 years ago but nothing has changed, he initially said he would move out then changed his mind and said we can live together as housemates 🙄. He can't afford to leave and live on his own, I said I'd move out (into a house share or something like that) but he said he couldn't afford to manage the house we are in on his own so we both stayed put. Then Covid hit and actually it was easier to live together anyway and now we're still living together and not a thing has changed, I may as well never have broken up with him!! Years of being a doormat in my case I'm afraid! Hopefully you can sort something out though, even if that ends up being you sell the house and split the proceeds so you can go your separate ways, not something you want I'm sure but it doesn't seem right for him to end up with your family home 😔

Hiya, so i was born here in the 80s and I bought it off my parents in 2009. But I still have 20 years to go. He's in the mortgage too. He's absolutely buried his head in the sand with the split. He gets upset the minute I say about renting.

The reason I said I'll go is He's refused to consider it. He said as a man he won't be protected and can't afford to rent.

Because he's such a scruffy lazy type bloke with the upkeep the chance of it ever being ready for being valuer etc is slim. I'd like to be bought out. But again he won't listen to me.

@Lifebeginsat40theysaid

I'm not judging you at all because I'm very similar. Our relationship was dead for 2 years before we split. No sex life etc. So it feels around 3 years now since I felt settled. It sucks and its hard to plan anything. I can't think of a happier situation now than me and the kids alone in a cosy home. I have someone else but he's not someone I see living with. He's too irresponsible with money.

It does suck doesn't it and its hard to talk about as a lot of people do judge and think it's so easy to just walk away without knowing the full story. I have no-one else and can't see that happening at all. My hope is that he will meet someone else but he seems dead set that he never wants to (I don't know why as our relationship was never that great so he's cutting off his nose to spite his face in my opinion!). At least we are still friends so it's not like it's a bad environment for the kids. It's just so hard in our situations to see a way out that works - any chance he might meet someone else and leave that way?
BTW, you're definitely not out of order in expecting that he does his fair share of cleaning up, etc, especially when it was him that made the mess/allowed the kids to in the first place! You definitely shouldn't be his housemaid, he sounds like a lazy sod to be honest!

@Lifebeginsat40theysaid

Yep exactly the same here. He says he never wants another girlfriend bla bla bla. He's just got it set up so it works for him because he fears the change. I dont get it. I get on OK with him and we are not bitter. He still looks out for me and I still do his washing. But it's over and I don't understand how he can be content like it. He sleeps in the extension.

I find it very hard talking to other people too. They raise their eye brows. Tell me to throw him out etc. Its like im living a double life. But he's not the average pack the bags and leave man. Most men want to be gone don't they. Money is power though. I'm saving hoping to get out soon to start living a "real" life again.

@123times It's like I'm reading about my own life!! 🤣 I have said so many times, how can he be happy with his life currently? I also wonder what his family think, they know we aren't together but they haven't questioned why we still live together, I find it weird! But yes, ultimately it's because they have their feet under the table and it's easier and cheaper for them to stay where they are, even if it makes us unhappy. At least you get on still, as do I with my ex, so it's not a toxic household for the kids, small mercies I guess.