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Original poster

Do I keep helping neighbour with newborn?

21 replies

Kia2829 · 02/10/2023 00:32

Please read circumstances before answering.

A lovely lady in her late 30’s lives opposite me, she’s a single mum. Her parents lived in the house before her (they emigrated to australia and let her have the house since it’s a 5 bedroom) so I knew her parents and they were lovely. She has 6 children, a newborn, a 3 year old, a 7 and 9 year old then she has 2 teenagers, an 18 year old in sixth form and a 17 year old non verbal son with cerebral palsy wheelchair dependent. Her 17 year old son isn’t in college as the council can’t find him a space yet.

I myself have 3 children including a 15 week old. Her newborn is 12 weeks old but has just come home, she was born at 28 weeks. I’m not sure who the father is and it’s not my business, for all I know she could be donor conceived. I had no idea she was pregnant, she didn’t look pregnant, I only found out when I visited last week and she had the baby.

I wouldn’t say we’re friends, more like just neighbours. We’ve never spent time just the two of us neither just the two of us and our kids. We sometimes have a chat, she would take my kids to the park every so often and vice versa. Sometimes her kids would come over here and do baking and mine would go over to hers or they’d play football in garden. If one of us has lots of leftovers from a nice dinner we share and if there’s birthday cake we both drop slices over for the kids. That’s the type of relationship.

When I went to hers (when I noticed the baby) I noticed her house was extremely dirty and what I’d call a fire hazard. This was alarming as previously she kept an immaculate house that would have put a lot of people to shame. I told her that day that I’d have the kids and take them to the park and for dinner if she wanted (the 3 under 10) when I returned them I told her I would have her newborn for a few hours if she needed any help, wanted a rest or a tidy up. I can tell she is finding having a newborn and a disabled son completely reliant on her for toilet bathing feeding etc was taking its toll on her as it would to all of us. This lady is lovely though and has previously helped me in the past when my car was broke and she’d take the kids to school for me and me to appointments.

After my offer she asked if I’d have the baby for a few hours the next day and I had baby from 11am-3pm. Day after asked me again, had baby for 5 hours. The next day, same question had the baby 3 hours. Today I had the baby from 11am-6pm. I tried texting her at 3pm to find out when she was getting baby, no reply. At 6pm I went over and I think I’d woken her up so I don’t believe she was deliberately ignoring me. She was in her pyjamas and the house is worse than when I last saw it. There is stuff and rubbish piled high. She hasn’t been using this time to clean or get things organised, I believe she’s been using it for rest not that I can blame her.

But this is so hard for me too because it’s like having twins along with my other 3 under 8 years old. I have a 15 week old baby and looking after her newborn and they both want feeding and changing at the same time, I’m becoming tired too.

I don’t really know what to say to her, I don’t feel like I can say no either. I feel like I’m going to have to make excuses like I don’t feel well but I feel awful for lying. I just need a rest and can’t keep having two newborns for most of the days. I did recommend my daughters old childminder who has newborn experience but she says she can’t afford one. What can I do to help her?

OP posts:
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recyclemeagain · 02/10/2023 00:38

This sounds really hard. I think you are being so empathetic and considerate.
You also have a very young baby of your own. While it's incredibly kind of you to help, you have your limits too.
It sounds that perhaps the mum is experiencing PND or similar? I could be wrong but it sounds possible. Would it be an idea to suggest she speaks with her health visitor or could you speak with yours? I realise you aren't trying to get the mum in any trouble, I think it could be worth saying something from a caring and supportive perspective though. She isn't handling her situation very well and you're right, who could blame her. I feel for you both.

notanothernamechange12 · 02/10/2023 00:39

I mean I understand her life is very hard but its not fair. Could you say you can inly ever help her on Friday afternoons? That way you are still helping her out massively but it's scheduled in for you and she cant overstep? That's if you are happy to do that and don't want to cut all ties. Basically you need to out in some clear boundaries that she cant push. She clearly has a very tough life arm but she is still taking the piss.

DinnaeFashYersel · 02/10/2023 00:48

Honestly I would tell your HV who could look in on her.

Sounds like she really needs some help and support. Maybe from her GP or maybe from HV or social services.

But it's not your responsibility. Especially as you have a young baby too.

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MariePaperRoses · 02/10/2023 00:49

There's helping someone and there's being taken down a mug and you are the latter!

She's having a kip whilst you struggle with your own newborn AND hers!

No one made her have six children.

Get your own life back and if you want to help, do it in other ways such as taking her round a meal every now and then.

She need to be made to raise her own child i stead of using you.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/10/2023 01:06

I'd speak to your HV personally, yes she's struggling and it's hard having a poorly baby in hospital let alone with lots of kids at home and a child with such complex needs too. But she needs more help than you can give. She can't neglect the kids welfare because she chose to have another baby. She risks making her kids I'll if it's that unclean and two of them are extremely vulnerable.

You could try being direct - "I can see you're struggling, I know you always kept the house so pristine, what can I do to help because whilst I can't keep having the baby every day, I do want to support you" and take it from there.

You're both single parents to new babies, hopefully she'll see it's concern not judgement

Original poster
Kia2829 · 02/10/2023 01:06

Kia2829 · 02/10/2023 00:32

Please read circumstances before answering.

A lovely lady in her late 30’s lives opposite me, she’s a single mum. Her parents lived in the house before her (they emigrated to australia and let her have the house since it’s a 5 bedroom) so I knew her parents and they were lovely. She has 6 children, a newborn, a 3 year old, a 7 and 9 year old then she has 2 teenagers, an 18 year old in sixth form and a 17 year old non verbal son with cerebral palsy wheelchair dependent. Her 17 year old son isn’t in college as the council can’t find him a space yet.

I myself have 3 children including a 15 week old. Her newborn is 12 weeks old but has just come home, she was born at 28 weeks. I’m not sure who the father is and it’s not my business, for all I know she could be donor conceived. I had no idea she was pregnant, she didn’t look pregnant, I only found out when I visited last week and she had the baby.

I wouldn’t say we’re friends, more like just neighbours. We’ve never spent time just the two of us neither just the two of us and our kids. We sometimes have a chat, she would take my kids to the park every so often and vice versa. Sometimes her kids would come over here and do baking and mine would go over to hers or they’d play football in garden. If one of us has lots of leftovers from a nice dinner we share and if there’s birthday cake we both drop slices over for the kids. That’s the type of relationship.

When I went to hers (when I noticed the baby) I noticed her house was extremely dirty and what I’d call a fire hazard. This was alarming as previously she kept an immaculate house that would have put a lot of people to shame. I told her that day that I’d have the kids and take them to the park and for dinner if she wanted (the 3 under 10) when I returned them I told her I would have her newborn for a few hours if she needed any help, wanted a rest or a tidy up. I can tell she is finding having a newborn and a disabled son completely reliant on her for toilet bathing feeding etc was taking its toll on her as it would to all of us. This lady is lovely though and has previously helped me in the past when my car was broke and she’d take the kids to school for me and me to appointments.

After my offer she asked if I’d have the baby for a few hours the next day and I had baby from 11am-3pm. Day after asked me again, had baby for 5 hours. The next day, same question had the baby 3 hours. Today I had the baby from 11am-6pm. I tried texting her at 3pm to find out when she was getting baby, no reply. At 6pm I went over and I think I’d woken her up so I don’t believe she was deliberately ignoring me. She was in her pyjamas and the house is worse than when I last saw it. There is stuff and rubbish piled high. She hasn’t been using this time to clean or get things organised, I believe she’s been using it for rest not that I can blame her.

But this is so hard for me too because it’s like having twins along with my other 3 under 8 years old. I have a 15 week old baby and looking after her newborn and they both want feeding and changing at the same time, I’m becoming tired too.

I don’t really know what to say to her, I don’t feel like I can say no either. I feel like I’m going to have to make excuses like I don’t feel well but I feel awful for lying. I just need a rest and can’t keep having two newborns for most of the days. I did recommend my daughters old childminder who has newborn experience but she says she can’t afford one. What can I do to help her?

To also add, my husband is getting fed up of it. On weekends it ruins our plans as it doesn’t feel right to take someone else’s newborn out in the car (plus we don’t have a car seat for her) so it’s got in the way of this weekends plans (we were supposed to go out for dinner Friday and to a farm Saturday but I had her baby) he’s also getting fed up because when he gets home from work I’m even more exhausted than I usually am because as I said, it’s like having twins. We don’t spend any quality time when I have both babies because I go to bed at 8pm.

OP posts:
krabkake · 02/10/2023 07:49

There's no way I'd have even offered that much help with a 15w old myself. Remember that the time spent looking after the other woman's child is taking away from the quality bonding time you should be spending with your own dc, and for me that would come first. The newborn also needs to spend time bonding with her own mum. There are statutory agencies that can help, and I'm sure you know all the local info for HVs, children's centres etc. You need to pass the info on and let someone else deal with it.

Ollifer · 02/10/2023 08:10

It's not your fault she's had six children and can't cope. I'm not trying to be rude but most people don't have that many kids as it would be too stressful, she's made that choice and she needs to learn on not having you there to support all the time. You already have your own children and life to deal with, dont stretch yourself beyond your means to look after someone else's children.

Pigsears · 02/10/2023 08:32

Could you let her parents know she is struggling? They might be able to come back and help during the early weeks and he'll her get back on her feet?
I agree with the poster who said tell her a specific day that you can help- and limit it to one 3 hour block?
I'm not sure what country you are in but charities can provide home assistance in early days /months after birth.

user1492757084 · 02/10/2023 08:33

You are very kind and a good friend and neighbour.
If I were you I would comment on the state of her house because it was always spotless. Ask her if she is coping and whether she feels down or depressed. (You know that she is not coping) Go armed with a phone number or two of services or charities she could utilize.
Help in the from of Spaghetti Bolognese Sauce, a casserole, fried rice or zucchini slice every now and again from you or other neighbours could be nice.
I would say that you can no longer have baby for long hours
Offer her some hours one day per week for a couple more months if you can.
An early intervention might be very helpful to get her back on track- such as a charity spring cleaning the house for her or you organising the sixth form child to complete tasks like cleaning the bathrooms because her Mum is feeling low.

Would she welcome a gift vouchure for a cleaner?
Is there a local church group that could help out?
Could she have been in an abusive relationship? Is there more to the depression of which you are unsure and why she should seek professional help?

felisha54 · 02/10/2023 08:37

You sound lovely op and I know that you're trying to help, but from what you've written this mum needs more help than you can offer. As you've got a newborn you could speak to your HV like pp has suggested for advice, but I think you need to pass information on to relevant services.

Avatartar · 02/10/2023 08:38

i think get your health visitor to both look in on her and ask her for details of services that can help eg - helping with her older child. Ultimately if that doesn’t help, I’d suggest calling social services as they will have access to all routes of assistance

TwigTheWonderKid · 02/10/2023 08:38

So she's just endured having her prem baby in the nnu for 12 weeks whilst trying to juggle her other children, including a teenager with significant needs?

I'm not surprised she is totally overwhelmed.

OP you have been amazing but clearly what you are doing is not sustainable for either of you. The best thing now will be helping her to access outside support and going back to your much more ad hoc arrangements. Not sure how helpful HV might be but it would definitely be worth getting in contact with Homestart, a brilliant charity which supports families in all sorts of circumstances. Someone also needs to help her put pressure on the LA to provide a placement for the 17 yo, which is a legal requirement. Perhaps contact local councillors or MP?

PurpleBananaSmoothie · 02/10/2023 08:56

I think she’s reached the point where she needs social services support, not necessarily to take the children into care, but to perhaps get a carer in for the teen and also start linking up local authority departments for that college place for him. She probably needs to be referred to her GP for PND, it sounds like a traumatic birth on top of an already existing situation.

TiredMamOfTwo · 02/10/2023 08:59

I would speak to your health visitor, she needs social services involved.

Not like the social who take the kids away, but the disability side for her eldest & then some help around the house which they do offer.

NCforthispostonlytoday · 02/10/2023 09:10

This poor lady needs professional help involving structured ,monitored help.
You have been very kind but this lady needs more robust help.
I would mention her to your HV who could make enquiries.
She is obviously exhausted but you need to look out for yourself.

WetBandits · 02/10/2023 09:15

Definitely speak to Health Visitor as this lady sounds like she needs a lot more support than you can or should give.

Also this post might be very outing for you and your neighbour, you have given a lot of specific details.

MariaVT65 · 02/10/2023 09:30

Hi OP

Clearly what your neighour is going through is very difficult, but as others have said, she has made a choice to have that many kids when she clearly can’t cope with it all.

You have enough on your plate already. Just because she’s helped you in the past, doesn’t mean you owe her anything at this stage. With the hours you’re talking about, it feels to me like she’s trying to use you as a free childminder and the boundaries have been lost.

I would definitely contact HV for advice, as I also think SS should be involved. And tbh I would put yourself and your own baby first here and stop helping her. Don’t offer to babysit anymore.

caringcarer · 02/10/2023 09:37

SleepingStandingUp · 02/10/2023 01:06

I'd speak to your HV personally, yes she's struggling and it's hard having a poorly baby in hospital let alone with lots of kids at home and a child with such complex needs too. But she needs more help than you can give. She can't neglect the kids welfare because she chose to have another baby. She risks making her kids I'll if it's that unclean and two of them are extremely vulnerable.

You could try being direct - "I can see you're struggling, I know you always kept the house so pristine, what can I do to help because whilst I can't keep having the baby every day, I do want to support you" and take it from there.

You're both single parents to new babies, hopefully she'll see it's concern not judgement

I think being direct would be best. It sounds like she might have PPD.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/10/2023 12:45

You're very kind but this is not your job right now. I agree that you should let your health visitor know who can put her in touch with home start volunteers etc

Pythonesque · 02/10/2023 19:37

on the timescale you are describing, her newborn is still exactly that - an ex-prem who is approximately term at present. As such I would have thought they should still have significant support availabile from the neonatal unit / specialised health visitor, or something. I hope you can help her get linked up with more support from people who have the capacity to give it, before you get totally burned out.

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