What caused you to decide to stick at one or have another?

[december2020]

We're currently contemplating trying for DC2 and making a final decision whether we go for it by end of this year or stay as a one-child family.

I'm no spring chicken (mid 30s) and while I know lots of women conceive later (power to you), I don't think its right for me.

Understood everyone's reasons are different and what is right for one person may not be right for another but I'd love to hear what was the reason you chose to have another or to stick at one.

I had a second at 43 because I wanted the first to have a sibling and I started getting cravings to have cuddles with a new baby. Right decision as the kids love each other. And I feel complete now.

I had one at 16. With lots of family support I got through it, but did not love motherhood of a baby or toddler. I was still a child myself really. I was not and truthfully still am not a natural mother. No way I could've had another close enough to DD for them to have a close age gap.

The older DD got, the more I enjoyed being her mum, but the more sure I got that I didn't want to do it again. She was, and is, perfect. I love our family, I love our life. It didn't start how I might've planned, but it's exactly how I want it to be now.

When I hit 25, husband and I decided together we were absolutely sure we didn't want another. We were financially comfortable, happy, content as we were, and didn't want to bring a baby into our little trio and shake things up. DH got a vasectomy.

I'm now 32 and at the age where most of my friends and peers are having their firsts. I'm very happy as I am, DD is fine and content being an only and doesn't feel she's missed out on a sibling, and I love our life and am glad I made the choice I did.

I thought I would regret not having another as the first got older, so we did. Watching their relationship develop and seeing them grow and interact together over the years has been the single best part of parenting.

Medical. Pregnancy and birth and after we’re rough on me and my body. Even now 20 years later it is still having a cascade effect on my body. The doctors said I could do it and they would fry and fix me after. I declined. Saying that. I never felt the urge to have another one after my son. So it didn’t matter.

I had my son when I was 39, I decided I do not want to have another child mainly due to my age and not wanting to get pregnant unless in a stable relationship (my marriage failed soon after our son was born) Also my pregnancy was difficult and I spent over 54 days in hospital due to going into labour at 6 months pregnant and having to keep going back as within a few days of being let out, labour started again. I really didnt want to go through that again.

I wasn't sure about dc2. Dh was really keen but obviously wouldn't have pushed me. I was humming and hahing and then had a surprise pregnancy which turned out to be dc2. I love my kids equally of course, but he was honestly such a beautiful, lovely baby and still is. Dc1 is an absolute firecracker but my wee boy is just peace and loveliness epitomised. No regrets at all and although we don't want another one, I'd still welcome any surprises we have (unlikely now as I'm getting on a bit).

All that said, I'd still have been happy (and probably better off financially) with one dc

I find motherhood exhausting. I knew that I could be a good enough mother to one child, but any more than that would have been detrimental to everyone involved.

I also had significant mental health issues post partum (think mother and baby unit type stuff) and I just could not contemplate the risk of experiencing that again.

DH had the snip quite soon after our only child born and neither of us has regretted that decision for a second (four years ago).

Thank you so much for sharing your stories so far!
It also definitely makes me feel like regardless of what we end up deciding that it's ok.

It's such a big decision and I still don't know where I am (DH feels the same). The end of pregnancy was tough (suspected GD and then suspected water infection - water infection was ruled out after birth) as well as a tough 12 months worth a high energy and refluxy baby (he's mellowed out now) but I also know that part is temporary and I know DC2 is their own person.

It was bizzare I had a pregnancy scare when DS was 15 months old, I was really worried, then when he was aged about 20 months something changed and I really wanted a second. They are 30 months apart. 19 & nearly 17.

When we had DC1 we planned to be one and done. We were late 30s when we had her, already older than ideal. But it was really seeing other siblings interact in family groups when we went on day trips and holidays, that made me feel we were missing an extra dynamic. And we also had some fortunate financial circumstances which gave us security that we could afford a large enough house and provide everything we would want for a second DC without compromise. So we decided to have DC2, who eventually arrived in my early 40s. I love seeing them play together and having photos of our family of 4 - it just feels complete now.

Had DS at 36 and struggled a lot with the lack of sleep which felt like enough for me to stick to one but ended up trying again and DD was born when I was 39. I can't put my finger on what changed my mind, a mix of DH desperate for a second, me feeling like one child just wasn't enough for some reason, I don't know. In any case it was the right choice although I think if I could go back in time I'd have thought it through a lot more.

I’m an only child and didn’t want the same for my DC if I could at all help it. I have felt I have really missed out on having a sibling, as a child and even more as an adult.

I was one of 6 and only wanted 1 because I never felt I had enough time/ attention. There’s no right or wrong answer

We don't believe "to give child 1 a sibling" or "wanting baby snuggles again" to be strong enough reasons on their own so that was part of it but realistically, by the time we felt ready to consider a second, it was too late, DD was already at least 3 or 4 by then, can't really remember, and an age gap that big felt a bit pointless and like going backwards.

I thought about the future and decided that having 2 adult children would be better than 1.

It also helps that the newborn stage is very short.

I'm an only child who has two children. My having two had nothing to do with being an only as I had a brilliant childhood. I have never wished for a sibling, either. My parents wanted more children but weren't able to. I had two because I loved everything about having a baby, and knew it was right for me. My kids are in their 20's now and are very, very close, which I am so thankful for because I've seen siblings that don't get on at all.

Thanks for this perspective.
As the parent of an only child (not by choice) it's always nice to hear.

I was told I couldn't have any more and there is nothing like being told you can't have something to make you want it even more! After a long and stressful journey I am now a very happy mother to two girls and it still gives me a thrill so talk about my daughters plural rather than singular.

Of course there’s no right or wrong answer as it’s personal to everyone. I was just answering the OPs question from my perspective. I would probably feel the same way as you if I were one of 6, but as it happens I am an only and didn’t and still don’t like it so didn’t want that for my dd.

I wish you all the very best and hope you’re much better now, @Ihaveoflate

My reasoning was she same as several PP: I wanted DC1 to have a sibling, as DH and I both feel we benefited greatly from our sibling relationships and have also seen the struggles of only children friends and family with eg dealing with elderly parents alone.

There’s no guarantee they’ll get on - my older sister and I were two peas in a pod, my younger sister and I hated each other until our 20s - or that they’ll support each other with eg elderly parents. But we felt it would be a worthwhile gamble and hope they’ll get on.

Early days - DC2 is only three months! I spent weeks worrying I had ruined the life of my PFB only child (exacerbated by pretty horrendous PND). But I see kids playing with their siblings out and about and think this was the right choice.

It is a bit stressful financially. I had to get a promotion and associated payrise to feel comfortable having a second. We would have managed but wouldn’t have been able to save at all once they were both in childcare.

Well ultimately we just wanted another and it felt right! I can give you the 'reasons' like sibling for DC1, so hopefully support for them (and us) in later life - obviously no way of knowing whether everyone will still get on in later life, won't relocate miles away and whatnot etc. So there's never any guarantees on that obviously. So really it always just comes down to whether you want another.

I was the only child until I was 7years old. I remember how much I wanted a sibling so badly. I was always on my own, or bugging my parents to play with me. Then my sibling came along and I had a buddy. Albeit, age gap was to rob too big. However memories with siblings are much better, therefore I had more than two children. The young toddler years do go by and it's not so tough eventually.

Good luck with your decision whatever that may be

Not to mention, when our mother was very sick, we shared the load. And support each other with our own families now we are adults. But not all siblings get on!