Parent responsibility

[dodoiku]

I guess I'll start with my life history. I was raped by my boyfriend and got pregnant at age 17. We ended up with an unofficial marriage but didn't last long. We got divorced when our baby son was only a year old. With all these saying, I actually never able to accept the baby because I was never ready to have a responsibility plus it was not intentional. I left because my ex was very toxic and I couldn't handle him. He threatened me in any ways for his benefits. Apparently he took the baby with him. I stayed at different state for many years for work and didn't get to see my son often but it really didn't bother me.

Now my son is 12 years old and I started staying at my parents house again, he is also started coming here often (I don't know why because previously when I was not here he didn't come this often). So my relationship with my son is very awkward. I don't know how to talk to him and I actually got this uneasy feeling every time when I see his face because it's an imitation of his dad who I hate the most. And it also reminds me a lot of my past which traumatized me.

I'm working remotely so I'm staying home like almost all the time. When it's school holiday my son will come here and he will just lay on the sofa or in his bed watching cartoons from his phone, from morning till night, and it bothers me a lot. When it's eating time either breakfast, lunch, or dinner, when everyone is busy with their work, my son won't eat anything because nobody will be in the kitchen doing the cooking. Although I'm at home, I don't really have time doing the chores because of my nature of work (I'm a programmer).

I wanted to tell my son to stop the habit of watching cartoons or playing with his phone all the time, study when he got nothing to do, or prepare his own meal if he's hungry (he can do basic cooking) when nobody's around to do it. I wanted to say something when something is not quite right but I really don't know how to do it. Honestly, although his very appearance is bothering me, I still want him to be able to depends on himself and be the best he can be.

I don't know how to do the parenting with the limited time I have. Adding the awkward atmosphere between me and my son, it feels very difficult to me. Hope to get advices from experienced parents out there. Thank you!

I think you need to focus on building your relationship first. Ask him what he's watching, pretend to be interested. Let him know he can help himself to cereal, if you're feeling awkward he probably is too. Make time to stop and eat lunch together. Ask him to come and help you make sandwiches. Then you can ask him about school, his friends, studying etc. You will need to have a conversation with your son at some point as to why you weren't around, you could just say you had an unhealthy relationship and you didn't deal with it in the right way. Sorry for what happened to you but you need to take some responsibility now and get some counselling to work through your feelings towards him. Your son is not his dad.

@writteninthewater Thank you so much for your kind reply. After reading your message I think I can work on it. What you said is very true, I really need to have a conversation with him. I did try it before though but I always ended up saying stuffs that I didn't plan to say and I couldn't control my voice as if it sounded like I was scolding him. Idk if he got scared but when I was talking to him last time asking if he got anything to do instead of watching his phone, he replied me "nothing" with a low voice while looking at me. You know that look when a kid got scared of being scolded. I felt bad when thinking about it.