Told off by nursery about 12 mo biting, feel like crap

[Wobblyheart]

Feeling soooo down because we were working on this.brhaviour and suddenly it got even worse.

Twice this week (2 out of 3 days), the nursery had to talk to me about the issue of my LO (1 week shy of 12 months) biting, scratching, and hurting other babies by forcefully grabbing them (he is very strong and grabs and twists my and other people's faces forcefully). Today he had to be removed from his group and put outside with older kids because nursery staff interventions did not work; they said he was back at it like a 'yo-yo.'

This is now the fourth instance of when they had to bring it up with us since August.

At home, he has been biting me and others out of boredom, frustration, and anger (when not allowed something he's unhappy about). He also scratches faces, pokes eyes, gets up your nose, twists, and bashes. He often digs and pulls at my arms with his teeth when falling asleep. At home, we were saying a firm "no biting" and putting him down. It seemed like for a couple of weeks things were better, but this week it has been pretty bad.

In addition to that, he started shaking his head really forcefully when falling asleep, would try to rock himself by doing tummy scrunches while I am rocking him to sleep, scratches his face, ears, pulls hair.

I would be most grateful for any tips at all on how to manage this. I am terrified that he is at risk of being expelled from the nursery and it is doing him so much good. I would be devastated if he couldn't go there anymore.

Also, I wondered whether this behavior is typical or whether the intensity and frequency suggest there could be some underlying special needs?

Thank you so much for reading and anything you can share

That sounds very rough OP! I would definitely talk to his doctor about the issue just to rule anything out. My little didn’t personally go through this with this level of intensity but she did go through a short bout of biting for about a month and we were very firm that she shouldn’t bite! Although this was during a period of change as husband just got a new job and her daily schedule changed a bit. Is there anything major that happened in his life when this started? Maybe a new sibling, divorce, moved homes or even a new pet?

Neither of my babies went through this although the youngest may still. It isn't normal in the sense that no every child doesn't use physical means that are aggressive to express emotions. However, it is normal for every child to need to learn what is and isn't ok. At 12 months old I'd be worried about what is going on for him. He can't understand consequences so it's all about prevention. Stopping him getting close enough to bite or scratch and helping to watch the triggers and redirect attention etc.

Thank you both for your replies. @VentiPumpkinSpiceLatte no nothing new but I just had surgery so we had to put him into nursery for more days this week. He is also a bit under the weather, on his 4th consecutive cold in the last 2 months and now also conjunctivitis.

Maybe nursery isn’t doing him so much good and he needs a quieter, calmer environment. Possibly a childminder.

Not helpful in the overall scheme of things, but keep on top of his nails so he can't scratch at least. There's no reason he should be able to leave marks on another child from nails.

When my child was injured multiple times by the same child it was this that stood out for me. It's not malicious from such young children, but I was pissed at the parents for not sorting the other child's nails out. DS1 still has a mark on his face that shows when he gets a tan.

He's still very young and unfortunately if he's a biter already, it's unlikely to stop for quite some time. Biting and hitting is usually a form of communication rather than malice. Most kids grow out of it once their language skills catch up or they reach 4 years where they understand that it can hurt other people. Before that, kids don't have the ability to put themselves in other people's shoes and fully understand the consequences of their actions.

You have to decide whether the potential stress with nursery and other parents is worth whatever he gets from that particular place. Sorry to say but it sounds like they're setting the stage to push him out or hoping that you'll move him away. They will simply continue with the complaints until you don't feel relaxed enough to leave him there the whole day.

It'll definitely be worth looking around for some new environments. Like PP said, maybe a childminder with a smaller group or a nursery with different teaching concept. DD was a biter too and we had vastly different experiences. Some places simply expected kids to play alone with each other and don't intervene at all. This often leads to situations where she gets overwhelmed and ends up biting. Don't underestimate the other children either...quite often some kids would try to trigger a known biter/hitter to have a meltdown because it's entertaining to watch them get in trouble. Obviously not malicious but just kids being kids. Any sort of action makes the day more exciting.

We switched to another nursery where they place a lot of value on the dynamics between the children within the class. They make sure everyone respects each other and potential fights are broken up before it escalates. It's a montessori style one and (unfortunately) quite a bit more expensive than the previous one but definitely worth every penny.

Ah. Don’t beat urself up. I worked with children for over 30 years and have seen lots of children who bite. It really is just a phase.
I have known children that only bite the same other child as well. And it’s hard on both ends. It is a phase and it will stop. It always seems hard on the parents of the child who bites as they do have to take steps to help it stop. And they are probably getting a lot of complaints from other parents. But it will stop.

Why are they telling you off? It's their setting they should be trying to prevent it because it's not like your in there encouraging it!

Try redirecting him when he is biting you onto a teething ring or teething blanket make sure his nails are cut as short as you can maybe look into an earlier bedtime if he is tired he will get frustrated more easily

Thank you all, I think I was wrong to say they were telling me off, they weren't, they were raising this with me. However in midst of emotions I felt told off. I can't explain it, it's just the mix of sense of shame and like.what am I doing wrong and why my baby is doing this. Had a chat with them this morning and they were very supportive but said he does it much more than any other babies they had.

My plan is to discuss it with HV at our year check and hope we can tackle this together with the nursery.

I am happy with everything thr nursery.is doing its just yesterday seeing that he had to be separated from his group really wrecked me. I am just a week.out of surgery myself.and my poor baby is on his 5th cold in the last two months so it's been hard.

Aw he’s only a baby. Honestly, he doesn’t really know what he’s doing/he won’t be aware that he’s hurting people. It’s probably a sensory thing. My son loved to grab my face and pull at that age, and so does DP’s neice who’s 12 mo- it does bloody hurt, but it doesn’t mean they understand that.

Every time he does it you basically need to say “no” then withdraw attention. Then re-direct with something distracting. Maybe try some more sensory play with him? Obviously saying”no” firmly is also a start, but it’s not like you can tell him off at this age. My son was like this as a baby, but he grew out of it by about 15 months and from then on was quite a gentle child.