Does it really get easier?

[Gizzymac]

I've found life with a newborn really hard to be honest, the relentless nature, the sleep deprivation, lots of physical pain from feeding still. People have kept assuring me it'll get better after the 4th trimester ends but will it? We're at 11 weeks and have had two of the hardest days so far this week. My baby has gone from having short moments of smiley settled time to constant screaming or feeding, not sleeping for for than 90 minutes, refusing the sling which was previously the guaranteed way to get a nap. I'm feeling absolutely ruined - she will only co sleep or contact nap and I feel like my body is falling apart. My husband does take her 5am- 8am every day so I get a small break, but im feeling on the edge of losing it. Please tell me it gets better. And is there a reason we seem to be going backwards at 11 weeks?

Hey,

My son is 13 weeks on Monday and I’ve definitely noticed a blip/change in behaviour and sleep the last week or so. Shorter naps and much harder to get to sleep for naps, waking every 60-90 mins at night after each sleep cycle and wanting an extra feed at night .

Bit of reading at 3am (as you do) says it’s pretty normal for 11/12 weeks to see a change and it all sounds quite normal but it definitely doesn’t make it easier. My son was 3 weeks early and quite poorly for weeks so we’ve been on the back foot anyway and he’s just about catching up.

My LO was having a good block from 7.30pm until midnight/just after midnight, occasionally 1am before he wanted a feed so I used to get a guaranteed few hours before the restlessness of 1am-7am started but the last few nights he’s decided to wake up every 90 mins. I was in literal tears last night. Just hoping it settled back down and/or praying it’s just the 4 month sleep regression come early. I think that might just finish me off!

hoping it all settles for both of us! Fingers crossed my

Hello both of you!
Well my babies are now off at uni, but I remember how hard I found it when they were babies.

Just wanted to reassure you that it really does get easier, they begin to sleep better and it becomes much less relentless and much more rewarding. It's so exciting to think of all those "firsts" you've got to look forward to.

Good luck!

Honestly, my LO is 11mo. I feel like nothing is linear. His moods, sleep, appetite and mood go up and down. Some times we have the best days ever and some days (and nights) are just bloody tough!

What I do find is as time went on, I got more confident in parenting and I took all the ups and downs in my stride. Don't get me wrong, some days I still feel at breaking point but each day is a new day and it always gets better.

I also found the first 3 months life still revolved around the baby. It was only then I got used of heading out with him and about more which made days much easier.

I also love that now he is older, he is so much more entertaining. His personality is shining through. I can play and interact with him. He makes me laugh and smile everyday!

My children are now 6 and 8 and I promise you it gets easier. You are in the gruelling part, the toddler years are nice but manic but I am in the golden era now.

Lower your expectations, just get through, the sleep deprivation I thought would kill me. Sleep when baby sleeps and sod the housework and anything else.

Every baby is different and there is hard stages throughout their lives. It does sound like you're having a really tough time at the moment. Be kind to yourself it will get better.

It does get easier. I promise. PROMISE.

I really didn't enjoy the newborn stage. Or to be honest the baby or toddler stage. But when they get talking and are able to ask questions and tell you about their day and their ideas and tell you they love you and you can do cool stuff together... so worth it.

I'm with you on this. Mine are same age and life is so fun! They are old enough to go fun places, do cool stuff, they can eat out with us BUT still wide eyed and innocent about the world and still think their mum is the coolest.

And honestly I was such a reluctant mother, never saw myself with kids. But truly it's the best.

I’m really not trying to be negative here, more realistic. There was no light switch moment at 3 months for us with DC1 and I’m not expecting it with DC2 either (also 11 weeks). With DC1 I just suddenly realised at 6ish months that, without me really realising, things had gradually and significantly improved. Looking back, that improvement probably began at ~3 months but it certainly didn’t go from difficult to easy overnight.

DC1 was colicky and unsettled and the first 14 or so weeks were a rollercoaster. I do remember things got a bit better before a significant nose dive at ~11-12 weeks. DC2 has been a lot more settled and actually the supposed ‘bad’ weeks (2-8) were fine. He’s got more fussy since 8 weeks and it’s currently probably the worst it’s been! Basically, from my minimal experience improvement is never linear or predictable. Good and bad phases are a feature of at least the first 3 years. It does become easier to manage though, in my opinion. Hang on in there.

Hmmmm, well it depends on lots of things, but to be honest I've only found it easier since mine got to secondary school! There are still issues, of course, but I get a bit more 'head space' and 'me' time. I found the first four years absolutely relentless, primary years were a bit easier, but still a huge amount of rushing around and constant squeeze on time, and don't get me started on the endless bits of kit needed on different days at school. But I absolutely hated the baby and toddler years, and no way would I want to repeat those years, and no way would I offer to look after grandchildren(!). That said my Dc are awesome, I wouldn't be without them, dd is autistic which still makes life challenging, but she's totally fabulous (I just wish life was easier for her).
So yes it gets easier....but not for a while! The key is being super organised (and I'm not a naturally organised person!). Try and get into routines for nap times as a tired baby is a nightmare baby, take any help you can. Forget house work and nap when you can (easier said than done) for now focus on your baby and everything else can sort itself out. Tiredness and broken sleep is this absolute pits, and the real hell of parenting, so don't feel guilty about napping when you need.

Yes, in a way it gets easier, but in reality, it just changes, I'm at 10 months with my 2nd. I found with my 1st baby it was relentless and i wished the time away. With my 2nd, it's a joy as I know each stage comes to an end in a very short space of time.

You will look back at some point and wish for one day of baby snuggles. Everyone says it, but when you are in the thick of it, it doesn't seem that great and before you know it, you blink and they are at school. It's totally normal to feel how you do.

Don't feel guilty that you are not enjoying this stage. Take as much help as you can. You are still In recovery. Honestly, with my 1st, it was 12 months until I felt like me again, so be kind to yourself. Park the bad days, soon you will have more good than bad.

I promise, promise, promise it gets better. I found the newborn stage really quite bleak, the lack of sleep makes everything horrible. It does get better.

Is baby gaining weight and having some smiley moments? Maybe not yesterday, but in the last few days, are there moments each day when they're chilled and content? If you think something is wrong, go to the GP. A mother's intuition is vital. If you just need some support, is there a drop-in centre or family hub near you? A breastfeeding group, if you're breastfeeding? Just anywhere with other humans who will empathise and have some kind words.

Today, just sleep when you can. Leave the housework, your husband can do it later. Can you get some sleep in before he goes to bed? Mine used to take the baby 9pm-1am so I got a decent block of sleep in at a reasonable time, which set me up for the night.

When you've had a bit more sleep - maybe at the weekend - get yourself out of the house in daylight. A morning walk, then an afternoon walk as well. You both need daylight to get your circadian rhythms back in sync.

Oh I really felt all of this, newborn stage is tough and having an unsettled baby can be such a difficult thing to go through. Don’t put any pressure on yourself to be enjoying it, you’re in survival mode just keep going and take any support you can find along the way.
This WILL get better. Every baby is different, for us by 4 months was so much better but I was still hugely affected by my difficult experience for a long time after.
In comparison I’ve found the toddler/pre school age a breeze even though I’ve not had the easiest toddler I’ve certainly built so resilience up from those anxiety fuelled newborn days!

You said feeding is painful- worth seeking some breastfeeding support to see if they can help?x

Yes, it does, but it can take time and there will be ups and downs. I was at my wit's end with my first baby at this stage. Difficult baby, issues with sleep even during toddler years. But she was otherwise a delightful toddler and is a lovely, easy-going child now, more than a lot of her peers. Things generally get better when they start interacting with you more and showing their personality as it starts to get interesting (I personally find young babies very boring!).
If you see other mothers struggling less, know that it is not you, it's your baby. I was at awe of some mother's which seemed to breeze through the newborn stage. Then I had my second child - placid, good sleeper, never cried- and I realised why. It has nothing to do with their abilities, they just had an easier baby!
My somewhat controversial advice is to stop breastfeeding or mix-feed with formula if you find breastfeeding difficult. I have never regretted anything so much as my obsession to exclusively breastfeed by first born. The second one was mixed-fed and is much healthier than the first one. I was bottle fed and hardly ever got I'll as a child. Also, if baby is not sleeping well by 6 months and you have ruled out medical reasons, do the cry it out method. It saved my sanity. And if you feel you had enough, it is ok to leave a crying baby safely n his cot for a bit and go to another room to calm down.

I've been to so many breastfeeding support things, I'm starting to think we're unfixable! The pain really doesn't help things. There have been some nice bits recently - smiley moments, 3 hr sleep stretches. But the hard days/nights are just so so hard.

Are you really set on breastfeeding? Have you tried nipple shields? I wasn't able to breastfeed due to low supply/failure to thrive, but the 10 days I did do were excruciatingly painful and made me miserable. It is ok to switch to some or all formula if you want to.

I really do want to make breastfeeding work. Largely because I have no way of making her go to sleep without feeding her to sleep! And I feel intimidated by the faff of formula preparation and sterilising. I've tried nipple shields but she really fought them and I wasn't sure how much they stopped the pain really.

You're hugely sleep deprived, learning about how to care for a baby, adjusting to the change in your relationship, and recovering from birth. It's an insanely intense time.

That passes, there are always challenges but it's not as totally exhausting forever. Maybe for longer than you'd ideally like, but not forever.

Go out and see what babies are like at 3, 6, 12 months - that will be yours before you know it.

Sleep I often at its worst sometime around 13-16 weeks. Sorry, it's monumentally crap! But it really DOES get better. I'm expecting DC4. I wouldn't be doing thatif it didn't improve!!!

The first year is tough. Feeding usually improves around 4 months in my experience. I found it really tricky up till that point, particularly with my eldest who had a pretty bad latch for the first 2 months no matter what I tried. It ends up being totally comfortable, I've fed my 3 till 2.5 each, no drama at all once we were past 4 months (possibly closer to 5 with my eldest). But it's not totally straightforward anywhere in the first year really.... they change so fast, and so do the challenges.

I found it much easier after a year. Yes, they have tantrums but that's a small part of the day. They are MUCH better at entertaining themselves and playing with you in non-boring ways. You can relax while they run round a playground or soft play. They'll enjoy a toy for half an hour at a timeif youre lucky.

My eldest is 7. She's been at school today, then after school she had dinner with us (without throwing it all over the floor! Looking at you little brothers.....), and then had amused herself reading/drawing. She's doing a bit of homework now before bath/bedtime, both of which are straightforward as she washes/ dresses herself and then reads till I'm ready to sing her a lullaby and switch off the light. YES that's easier than when she was a baby!

It will get better. Mine is now 17 months and I keep thinking back to the early months and how difficult it was. Somehow it just got easier and that horrible sleep starvation went away as DD started sleeping better.

If you stop breastfeeding you will find other ways to soothe your baby to sleep. I know it feels insurmountable but it's not, I promise.

I'm not trying to convince you to stop - I completely understand. But just letting you know that you don't have to if it's making you miserable. And you could pump or just give a small amount of formula, it's not all or nothing.

Do try going to sleep as soon as you can tonight. Even if you can get an hour or two at a reasonable sleeping time, it will help.

Sounds like your LO has hit the 4 month sleep regression slightly earlier than most. My son hit it at around 13 weeks. Lowered me into false pretenses by sleeping 12 hours at night for 2 weeks before hand and then it all went t**s up! It does improve eventually but you may have to intervene and help your LO learn to sleep longer stretches - once LO reaches suitable age ofc.

I remember being in the same situation as you, and I was desperate for some insight into the future! I am going to give it to you (my son is now 3.5); As an earlier poster mentioned, its not linear, well not for a while. You are going to have months where you feel like youve really got this down pat and then months where you feel clueless again. However, you will find your groove. And the good moments will start to outshine the bad.

In terms of timelines:

6 months was a turning point for us. He was feeding well, sleeping well and was a bundle of personality, in his own beautiful bubbly baby way! Ah miss those days! (Never thought id say that, but hindsight is a wonderful thing)

10 months: The crawling some ppl hate this stage, but I personally loved it. Created a whole new landscape of things to do and enjoy with each other.

14 months: The really special, active connections happen - For example, my son held my hand for the first time to walk to nursery. May sound silly to others, but its a memory ill never forget. He actively seeked out my hand to hold. Bliss!

18 months: Hold on to your hats, your LO will enter toddler hood if not before and they are gonna give you a run for your money but in the best way! I loved toddlerhood. You get soooo much back from them and understanding their little minds and hearing them speak and communicate to you in full sentences is like no other feeling!

3 years: They are a fully fledged little, gorgeous person who will make your heart melt on a daily(minus the threenager moments) . I once read on here a poster say that 0 - 3 years is like a dark hole, but as soon as you start to edge closer and closer to 3, you start seeing the light. (Not sure if this resonates with you, but it did me as the baby months were not my favourite)

I know age 3 may seem like a long time away and it is but I promise you, there are sooo many enjoyable moments along the road. And you will make it. Perhaps with a slight side dish of PTSD but you will 😂as we all have.

It does get better and easier. But in the mean time, as every MN says, try to make some 'you' time and regularly.

Youve got this girl!