Not coping with newborn and sleep

[Al991]

I’ve got a 4 week old and I feel like I’ve hit a wall with the sleep deprivation and overall just how hard it is to be constantly caring for her.

She has recently started refusing to be put down in her cot and when she does go down it’s only for about an hour and then she seems to want cuddles and feeding again. I probably sleep about 3 hours a night in broken bits and pieces. Sometimes less. Every time she wakes up crying for food I can’t believe it, it’s like my body is shutting down. Then she needs to be held loads before going back to sleep, then hungry again.

I know some people have partners help at night but my partner already does every single bit of housework/cooking plus a full time job. I don’t feel I can ask for help at night too because then we’ll both be sleep deprived and nothing will get done.

How on earth do people do this?! I love her so much and she really does make me happy, but I am just so tired and the thought of this going on for months and months is so daunting. We’ve had lots of feeding issues and I’ve fought really hard to breastfeed her but now I’m wondering if that’s a mistake and I should put her on formula just so I can have a night to catch up on sleep. Though then of course I’d miss her too much.

I guess it must get easier at some point - when is this? And what the hell am I going to do in the meantime?

There are a few reasons this might be happening, my son was the same until he was 7 months.

It could be cluster feeding, which is tough going but does stop for a while so you can catch up on sleep.

It could also be Intolerances. Is she excessively windy? Does she sleep better tilted and can't get to sleep laying flat? My son was ebf but had a dairy intolerance that was coming through breast milk, we didn't know until he was 7 months. You can cut dairy out of your diet for 14 days to see if it helps. He slept through when this was sorted.

Another thing is she swaddled at all? Newborns will punch themselves in the face if their arms are free which constantly wakes them up. Love to dream swaddles stopped that issue for my son.

It does get better, hang in there!

It Is so hard at this stage. Your experience is very common and for what it’s worth, I always felt 4-6 weeks was a real valley of despair, after which things got progressively easier.

For now, you just need to figure out a way to survive. Can a friend or relative take the baby for 2 hours between feeds so you can nap every couple of days? Can you look into safe co-sleeping? (Co-sleeping was a game changer for me). Can your DP be on baby duty from 7-11pm so that you can get a chunk of sleep, then you can take over for the night feeling more rested? Or maybe he could take over from you at 5am every morning so that you know that you will get some reprieve as you’re up all night?

You really shouldn’t be doing ALL of the night burden yourself, even if your DP is doing housework and paid work. Sleep is a literal physical need. Both of you being “really quite tired” is still usually more safe and more fair than one of you doing a bunch of work but broadly feeling fine, and the other one having less structured days with more downtime built in yet feeling on the verge of a physical and mental breakdown. I think it’s worth rethinking the night set up for a few nights.

I don't have a solution for you as it's freaking hard in the beginning but it will get better.

It's so tough but be kind to yourself, forget about everything else and sleep while baby sleeps at anytime of the day, it will get better 💕

My first was like this, it was terrible. Several times I fell asleep sat up holding her in the chair, it was really dangerous but I really couldn’t control myself.

what worked for us was bedsharing. We made the bed as safe as possible eg put the duvet away and I wore fleece onesie and bed socks, then she slept with me. It wasn’t ideal but it was much better and much safer. She stayed in our bed until she was a year or so, then moved into her own cot without any problems.

Have a think about it. I’m sorry you’re so exhausted, it’s agony I know.

https://llli.org/news/the-safe-sleep-seven/

Nothing wrong with changing to formula - if it helps, go for it. And DH can feed her too which is such a bonus !

Congratulations on your new baby!! This is all very normal but that doesn't make it any easier. Please look up how to safely co sleep as a breastfeeding mum, and how to feed laying down, the La Leche League has some great info including simple steps to help you get a better nights sleep tonight. www.laleche.org.uk/safe-sleep-the-breastfed-baby/

For the next 48 hours focus on nothing else but getting sleep. When the baby sleeps in the day, you sleep next to them in the bed. The hours you can get while they're napping in the day do really add up, and the best way to get them sleeping soundly is sleeping near or on you.

I second the PPs suggesting white noise, that can be helpful! This will pass OP, I promise, and all the other stuff will still be there to do when it does! So ignore anything else for the next couple of days aside from getting the naps in.

You are at the toughest stage in terms of BF.
try and stick it out it will be worth it - if it’s too much you could try and combi feed maybe a bottle before bed would help her stay asleep longer / settle down quicker - good luck xx

My heart goes out to you.

Dd1 was this and I thought I had lost my mind. I was hallucinating before anyone took notice. PND. NO sleep deprivation.

All I can suggest is for the moment forget everything and sleep. Nap. Morning sleep. When DH settles in an evening after work go to bed. Get a couple of hours.

I used to introduce a bottle at that evening stage. But dd was ok with that, some are not.

I did mix feed in the end, because I became so unwell.

Never underestimate how bad no sleep can make you feel and how even if someone can give baby even expressed milk and give you a block of sleep it helps.

And also. Think about safe co sleeping. Something I was terrified of for many reasons but mine did need.

Congratultions on your new baby! You’re in the toughest bit (I felt was the toughest bit anyway). That adrenaline rush after having the baby has gone and you’re running on fumes.
I know it’s tough but I think your partner could take over for a few hours, I really appreciate they’re doing everything around the house but 1-2 nights won’t be the end of the world. Just to let you catch up on your zzz’s. The housework can wait, it will still be there when you wake up and you can tackle it with a bit more sleep.
Is there any family you can lean on? Let someone come round and look after baby for a few hours while you have a chunk of sleep. My mum used to stay in mine till 1am ish, I went to bed at 8-9pm and it was a life saver.

It will get easier soon, you are at the hardest bit right now!!
Mixed feeding worked really well for us and my DH helped a lot, he was up from 4 am so I slept 4 to 8 am which helped a lot!

Good luck xx

Share the nights with your DH. Express milk, give formula, even teach him to put the baby to your breast can work if you’re dead set against a bottle.

Doing it all yourself is brutal and there’s no reason your DH shouldn’t be doing his fair share. If he’s currently doing 100% of all cooking/housework, can’t you share that out a bit and both do a few jobs and get some sleep?

It’s nearly 19 years ago since I experienced this and I still remember genuinely thinking I was going to die! I’m not kidding, I was seeing things that weren’t there out of the clever of my eye, black patches on the walls that weren’t there, I was never so sleep deprived for so long. I kinda slept in the corner of the bed propped off and feeding for about 6 months, he genuinely wouldn’t sleep unless he was lying on me or his dad (mostly me) Obviously it got better but at the time it felt like it never would, I’ve no help except look into co- sleeping and sending hugs, not that they help, but I truly remember the exhaustion and my heart goes out to you. X

Safe cosleeping was the only thing that worked for us. DS essentially only slept with my nipple in his mouth for the first year so we had a next to me crib and I slept down the bed with my boob pointed at him. Not glamorous but you do what's needed!

This! I remember with my first sitting up and feeding him while I banged my head against the wall to keep awake. In the end I took up bedsharing and it was so much better.

Get her into a routine of eat, awake, sleep. She'll sleep much better and so will you. I followed the '7am to 7pm sleeping baby routine' book and it worked beautifully. Follow the advice on swaddling and winding. My baby still loves his sleep at 13 months. Good luck x

Not saying you should do this but what really helped me with my second DC was my DH used to do 3 night feeds a week, that meant 3 nights a week I got a longer block of sleep. Physically it helped and psychologically it helped me get through the other nights too! I expressed milk for these for the first 8 weeks or so then found it too much hard work when my supply regulated so swapped them to formula then. I was happy with this but appreciate it's not an option for people who want to exclusively breastfeed. My DH also worked FT and did the bulk of the household chores at this time although I did most of the cooking still. He would do the first night feed of Tuesday nights, Friday nights and Saturday nights.

Co sleeping is the only way for us.

IMO just use formula at night , if you feel like you are at breaking point. It doesnt get easier for a while in terms of sleep so for the betterment of both of you, just give a bottle. And use breast early morning and throughout day! Nothing wrong in combo feeding!

With both our single and twins I changed to formula and then peace reigned turns out they were hungry. Similar situation hubby works and helps all he can when he gets in so I don't like asking for help in the nights unless it's real bad and they do sleep in there baskets well one girl likes to be snug and wrapped up and the other prefers a blanket just on the top of her