Please reassure me about nursery

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I have to go back to work when Baby is 6 months. Up until then I had full pay but after that it's statutory which I can't live on.

Between 6 and 9 months we'd agreed with a family member that they would look after baby while I worked a 3 - 4 day week. This was going to be a paid arrangement and family member was experienced with children and seemed very happy about it. I was also happy as didn't want to do nursery until baby bit older and was happy he'd be with family.

We booked nursery place for 9 months and everything was sorted.

But now family member has decided they no longer want to do it.

In hindsight perhaps we were expecting too much. Although as I said, it was going to be paid and they were happy initially. I'm not angry but the idea of changing the plans we'd made has sent me into a panic today.

We now have to start baby in nursery much earlier and I've been crying with guilt all day. They can fit him in thank goodness but I just feel so bad that he'll be in nursery setting this early.

I like the nursery and when he's a bit older I'll feel happier as I'm sure he'll love all the games and play but just the idea of him there as a smaller baby is hard. I worry he'll be scared or lose some attachment to me.

I have no choice however and I need to go back to work.

Has anyone had baby in nursery earlier? Was it OK? Just need some reassurance that I'm not a terrible mother.

Ah I know how hard it must feel, would you be able to do one month on statutory so that you can do a gradual start to nursery, start with 1.5 days a week and gradually increase until you go back to work? Honestly though as hard as feels for you, they soon settle in. My first DD started when she turned 6 months, and thrived there, she did 3 days a week. DD2 does four days a week and started much later when she was one and I found it harder emotionally than I did with DD1, DD2 struggled more with settling in, although loves it now

My little one went full time at 7 months! We had the same arrangement with a family member and then covid cancelled that. And she wasn’t the only one of that age there. Try not to feel guilty if you have to work nursery is a great setting! And all of the staff will love baby cuddles.

That sounds like a lot of change which can be unsettling once you have a plan- it won't seem so big of a change in hindsight, I promise!

Does logic help? Baby's attachment to you was going to be strong and remain when he was with your family member, so it will be just as strong when it's with a different person too e.g. nursery key worker.

They will absolutely dote on the wee one

Mine started at 6&7 months.
it was a breeze in comparison to later down the line. They settled quickly, came on leaps and bounds and loved it. It was so much harder on me than it was them!

Mine started at 6 months, it was fine. He loved it and has ever since. Much easier than starting later when compared to other parents I have spoken to.

Thank you for your replies.

One of the nursery workers also said 6/7 months was good time when I spoke to them as its easier for them to settle etc so that's reassuring.

I'm sure he'll love it, I guess it's just trying to get head around the change of plan. I'd psyched myself up for handing over to family member in a few weeks

Have you had a look at childminders?

I went back to work when dd was 6 months and I didn't feel happy at the thought of her going to a nursery environment. I found a childminder was a better fit for my dd.

DC1 went from four months pt and DC2 from five months pt.
Now 20 and 18. Smart, independent and off at uni.
No issues whatsoever, all bonded just fine, my mental health intact, my pension looking great and never a single regret.

It's good to hear these perspectives. I think being back at work will help my mental health as I seem to be losing the plot sometimes and my reaction to this change of childcare plans feels over the top for me

I've had some shocked reactions when I say I'm going back to work at 6 months from other new mums and even health visitor and it doesn't help matters.

My baby didn’t go at that age but lots of kids at her nursery start around then and my goodness, the staff absolutely dote on those smaller babies. They are constantly cuddled, the activities adapted for them - the affection is palpable. If you were happy with the nursery for your little one at 9 months, they will be absolutely fine to start earlier.

I did check some local ones but none had spaced at the right time unfortunately

Both of mine have been FT from 10 months, at the time I wouldn't have wanted them in at 6 months as those few months does seem huge at the time, but in hindsight they would have been fine either way.

Nursery has been so beneficial for both of them, they get so much out of it. Eldest is now at school with kids she's known since the baby room. We have no family nearby, nursery has very much been our village.

Oh bless you. I know exactly how you feel, I was distraught when I had to send my 5.5 month old in full time. She’s 2 months in now and we have bonded beautifully. I am more present when we do have time together and the attachment is strong as she knows that when we are apart we will be back together again soon. I sympathise fully xx

My 2 started later and honestly, 6 months is a great time to start. Mine happened to start about 2 weeks into leaps that made them clingy (8/9 months and 14 months). I think for settling, earlier is better as its just another place/ day to them and they get used to nursery really fast. The nursery workers build extra special bonds with the youngest that are never broken. The older kids that start after a year just never compete with the ones the nursery have known from 6 months. They're also starting to wean at 6 months and that will be great for your little one getting to watch others eating. And the ones that start earlier are usually much more socially advanced at school. Try not to be upset, when babies don't settle its often them picking up on parental feelings/ guilt. So quick-ish, smiley goodbyes, see you later etc. Then maybe a call after half and hour to check settled.

My 1st started at 7 months, settled in amazingly it was lovely. My 2nd didn't start until just after her first birthday and it was really hard to settle her in, at the time I wished id have put her in nursery sooner. The younger ones tend to settle quicker in my experience

When mine were born mat leave was almost 7 months - it was fine. Also possibly better from the slotting back in at work pov.

I've looked after many, many babies in nursery. Honestly, six months is an ideal time to start, as once they hit nine months, separation anxiety kicks in, which makes settling much harder. All babies go through it for a while at 9-12 months, but will have an easier time if they are already settled and bonded to the staff.

As a side note, I've always found it frustrating that the end of maternity pay and the return to work at 9 months is timed to coincide with the development of separation anxiety. It's such bad timing.

Ah - the sideways looks from mums about your choices even when there is no choice really. I remember that fondly . Not.

They catch everything going at nursery at every age so make sure vaccinations are up to date and you have a chat with your employer about the reality of nursery with a small one (up to 3yo really) . Try to figure out now how you will manage when called home at short notice. Can the family member who has sort of left you in the lurch cover emergency cover (this will be a lifesaver in itself)

Your child will have loads of stimulation and affection and will sleep well given a busy day.
They will have a cracking immune system
They will probably walk and talk early.
You will spend your life at birthday "parties"
If you are lucky your child will have a great relationship with a key worker and they will be interested in some freelance babysitting from time to time
Your pension won't suffer
Your child will simply be loved by more people and will love back. You will be loved just as much by your child.
You will largely escape the separation anxiety phase and won't spend months peeling a weeping toddler off your leg (nursery at 1yr is prime time for this)

You will keep your sanity and drink a hot coffee again. Play to your strengths.

Can you tell I also went back to work at 6 months both times? My kids are now 10 and 13 but I remember vividly the stress of going back to work and whether I was making the right choices. I also remember the shitty judgement from my mum "friends" made at NCT.

Of course you will miss them BUT organise your life so you are doing nice things at the weekend with them and they get the best of you.

Gosh thanks so much for all these messages, it's nice to read your experiences and its really helping ease my anxiety. It's so easy to feel guilty about every single little thing as a mum but I think I'll try and cut myself some more slack

Hi! Yep mine have all gone in at 6 and 1/2 months and while it’s hard in you it’s sooo much easier on them.

At that age they tend to be happy with a cuddle (yes they want you) but nursery staff know how to sooth a crying baby and comfort them. Going in at 10 months - year they have separation anxiety as it’s at its peak, it’s new, they are more aware, they are more aware you aren’t there. I was the earliest of all my friends to return to work for exactly the same reason as you. I’ve always had the easier time with all my children.

Find a nursery you like, do some extra settling in. Never make a deal about drop off, quick exit and sob in the car and ring five mins after and I’ll bet you they are fine! Get to know the staff and it will be fine.

This is really helpful. Yes, the judgement sucks

I also went back to work at 6 months so baby went to nursery and to be honest it's been great. He loves it there and is always happy to be dropped off.

Trust me, I went back at 9 months then DH took a month SPL so DC1 went to nursery at 10 months. I got plenty of judgy head tilts for going back full time even at that very normal time. Whatever you do as a parent (and particularly as a mother) you will be judged so learn to ignore as soon as you can.

Mine started nursery full time at 12 weeks, he's nearly 10 months now and loves nursery. I'm glad he started at an earlier age because it meant there were no settling issues.

We have a wonderful bond, he just also has a bond with his keyworker which I see as nothing but a good thing. An extra person who is fond of him, what a lucky boy!

Of course you aren't a terrible mother. Providing for your baby is important and nursery isn't chucking him down the mines, he'll have lots of lovely experiences there.