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My 14-year-old can't commit

2 replies

highlyfavored · 27/09/2023 18:07

I love my dear daughter and I want all the best for her.
But whenever I encourage her to do something, she quits right away.
She is now being homeschooled because she doesn't like the school system.
I agree with her on this one, and I think homeschooling is the best option.
But now she wants to quit being a cadet because she thinks it's all a waste of time. She's only been to three meetings.
I told her "We cannot keep quitting all the time"
I even told her that she is trying to manipulate me "again" into giving in to her wishes.
How can I encourage her to be more active, with her socialization and extra curriculars?
Thank you.

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Saracen · 28/09/2023 08:08

Tricky one!

I do think that sticking with things for the sake of it is overrated. Adolescence is a time to experiment: with relationships, activities, ways of behaving. It can take a LOT of experimenting to find what you like, and if you stick with things for too long, you don't have to time and energy to explore new things. Knowing you can quit can make it easier to want to try things.

I wouldn't have gone to more than three meetings if the first three were boring. Even if some good stuff happens later, the ratio of boring-to-good is not promising. It doesn't seem like a good use of her time. My eldest tried a million sports in their teens before finally settling on one they loved deeply. They also dabbled in many subjects before choosing one at 20 which they liked enough to do it at uni and want a career in it - and I was 27 before I found the right job/career for me.

On the other hand, sometimes we do have to persist in order to access the things we like. And frustratingly, many kids' activities require you to sign up for a whole term at a time, so it can be a big waste of your money if they don't keep going.

Do you want to say more about the situation? In what way is your daughter manipulating you? Is she generally unwilling to try new things even if there is no commitment involved? Has she been out of school long - are you worried she is lonely because she won't do social things?

Beamur · 28/09/2023 08:15

Is she struggling with being around people? Whilst many teens seem to spend every waking moment with friends, many don't - and are more introverted.
I too would worry about her becoming isolated.
Three weeks at cadets isn't long enough to make friends and get to know others..I get that if it's not very rewarding it's easier to stop but maybe she needs to try a bit longer.
Does her homeschooling involve other people/groups or is she mostly just at home?

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